December 31, 2014

Year's End

When attempting to deconstruct the past year it seems like all a blur and yet at the same time very defined. I think it was a really good year for Jeff and I, maybe our best yet. The kids, too. They get along awesome and love each other. It was a pretty terrible year medically, but by now we know that comes in cycles or seasons or whatever. We're getting through it. And hey, we hit our family maximum so yay for using our insurance.

Despite some pretty dreadful and draining weeks (and rainy drives), I can only look back on this year with a full heart. If it took anything out of me, it was what needed to go. And I found a peace in it all that has been very healing. Something I've been looking for... for a long time. It was a year I really felt like a grown up, and a really good mom.

I remember the years where I could not wait for the first of January to come because a chance at a new beginning felt like the only way out. Maybe it was the heaviness of new motherhood and little kids and hard times. I am so thankful to be on the other side, where I don't feel like I ever need to start anything over again. This is just fine. Let's keep going from here.

December 26, 2014

Sprits are bright

It's the day after Christmas and all is calm. Jeff's napping. Ivy's creating with her Fashion Plates at the  table (she just finished sewing all the things with her Sew Cool sewing machine which is sooo cool but also sooo loud.) The boys are doing I'm not sure what but since they are quiet I'm not going to go check up on them. I must also mention that the house is spotless.

This morning it was so very not spotless. 

Christmas happened. A pile of boxes greeted me in the living room along with two garbage bags full of wrapping paper and bows. I did wonder to myself last night if we shouldn't save some of these bows for next year- especially after buying a whole new bag the night before and now they are garbage. We could always just tape them on next year and then I remembered that I'm not seventy and we're moving and this is not the time to think about next year's bows. It's enough to think about the next day, or next few hours to be honest. 

So, today was going to be our big day off to relax and recover from an intense week. Not only did we have the holidays to tend but I also made a trip to Seattle and back with Noah. The exhaustion hit hard by mid afternoon yesterday. We served food at our community Christmas dinner and when that was done (and we had stopped on the way home for our Ellen selfie above), all our obligations were met and my body and mind basically went limp. Dishes piled in the sink? No one cares. We can use paper plates and our fingers. Laundry isn't even on my radar until next week (or until school starts up again if I'm being truly authentic here.) Beds don't get made during Christmas break. I'm sure I saw that's a rule somewhere. 

Then we got a request for a showing. Talk about a snap back into reality. We are selling a house! And... no way can we show it today but no way can we not show it so...  basically I said to give me a few hours and you better believe we got to work. 

The house looked amazing and we piled into my car with the a hamster and two gerbils and went to lunch. Now we're home and this clean, quiet house is really, really nice. It's a great way to start a weekend of (hopefully) doing nothing but whatever I feel like: coffee, Into The Woods, knitting, shopping, shopping at the knitting shop, reading, napping, snuggling.

Things are good. We are very merry. 

December 18, 2014

May Your Heart Be Light

I woke up this morning around 4 a.m. and smelled burning coffee. I ran to the kitchen to see if the coffee maker had been turned on by accident and it wasn't even on the counter - it was put away in a cabinet for house showing purposes. So I tried to go back to bed while googling about phantom smells on my phone and couldn't get back to sleep after reading about tumors and strokes. But it's probably just my sinuses.

I ended up listening to the final Serial episode and was up for the day. And so we begin Christmas break. The kids had half day and I spent most of it at the school helping out with the kindergarten holiday party that was holy cow crazy loud and busy. I could not wait to get out of there.

This just might be the first year that Jeff and I won't be staying up late wrapping presents on Christmas Eve. Everything is bought and wrapped. I don't know why it's so different this time around- I mean considering the house selling and house hunting and Jeff being gone and the Seattle trips and getting Noah better... on top of school and ballet and work and staying up late knitting teacher gifts. I don't know how I'm still on top of things and you bet I'm checking my list more than twice to see what I must be missing. My best guess is that keeping this busy is helping me cope and keep it together and also the kids are older. Some things do get easier. I'm really starting to notice it. Good timing.

Despite everything going on I do not feel the heavy weight on my chest that I know so well. I feel peace. Even though we were in Seattle last week and now we have to go to back again next week for what I am calling our Christmas miracle for Noah, even though we'll be driving home from the hospital on Christmas Eve instead of celebrating with friends as we'd looked forward to, I feel like everything... is going to be okay. I actually feel happy.

This whole thing with Noah has had me dangling on the edge. Some days are harder than others. I am constantly working through reliving all we've been through before and unearthing past hurts and researching in desperation all over again and confronting my Gigantic Trust Issues. And also being so very, very angry at the whole thing. But thanks to past experience I've been able to read each situation and doctor and get us where we need to be (Seattle) at a fast pace. There's the peace.

The situation is urgent and what we've tried these past few months isn't working. We have a very promising treatment available to us that is both scary and exciting. In the past, medications only hurt Noah. So we found the ketogenic diet and it saved his life, and that has chartered the course of our lives ever since. However, this time around it looks like modern medicine just might be the answer. He'll start infusions of Remicade via IV next week. We're going to get to know Seattle very well in the coming months. Good thing I love that city.

I will always make the choice that is best for my kids and I do believe this is it right now. I am putting a whole heck of a lot of trust in his new doctor (because he has earned it) and to be honest it feels so good to be willing to trust again. Here's to miracles, no matter how they get here.

December 7, 2014

Around and around.

I put up the Christmas tree in a different spot than last year and it's like a whole new world in here. I debated on putting one up at all. With showing the house I didn't know if I should do a real tree or fake, or maybe just skip it altogether. Then I ended up finding a fake one that looked real and then we put a zillion lights on it and I'm really glad we went for it.

I feel like it was just Thanksgiving and now the kids only have two weeks of school until Christmas break. I need to remember that I'm in charge of getting the goody bags for the kindergarten class holiday party and I am pretty sure I remember Gray mentioning that he signed me up for something in his class. I should probably look into that. We're sneaking in shopping for gifts (instead of us buying all the kids' gifts we're letting them buy for each other... with our money. It's been fun so far, but this means four separate trips over a very tight schedule.)

This weekend Ivy had long dress rehearsals for The Nutcracker and next weekend she has four performances. Of course I'll be helping at three of them and in the audience watching one.

Tomorrow Noah starts his prep for another procedure up in Seattle this week. This is kind of my way of sharing that he's been diagnosed with Crohn's Disease and so, that's one big thing we've been battling and is basically where my head is 24/7 right now.

I remembered that the pets were out of food so Buddy and the gerbils just got a dinner of really good granola from the bakery and what was left in the bottom of a box of Cheez-its. They don't seem to be complaining. I'll go to the store tomorrow.

December 3, 2014

Into December

Our guests are on their way home. There are no longer pumpkins on my porch (which is, like, months early compared to last year's pumpkins that stayed until the Super Bowl) and I'm getting out the Christmas decorations a little at a time.

The house is quiet. I mandated homework time for the boys and gave Ivy a toy catalog to circle for her Christmas list. I need to prepare for more showings tomorrow. I put on holiday music for the first time this year today. It helped in a little way, as it always does. Can't believe it's December again.