July 1, 2012

to be invisible

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I felt a wave of irritability flow over me and usually at its heels is sad times, but I kind of had a chat with it - like the man I passed on my way home today, he stepped out his front door and looked at the sky and it appeared they had a conversation. The sky replied and he nodded his head and went back in. It seems what I am feeling isn't that I want to run away or be by myself, but I would like to be invisible. In this particular moment I really want to be about the house and with my kids and free to observe and watch and just be nearby but I don't want them to see me - touch me - need me - ask me anything. 


I have a crumpled page of quotes from a magazine hung on the side of my fridge. "Solitude feeds the soul, but that doesn't mean you have to go it alone." I'm still trying to figure out what that means for me.


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Sometimes I just need for no one to know I'm here.


21 comments:

  1. Please. Just once in a while?

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  2. Big Sigh. I know EXACTLY what you mean.

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  3. I feel those words loud and clear. Such a foreign feeling except to those of us to feel it every day. Solitude~~without going it alone. I like that...

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  4. Oh, such pretty thoughts. Thank you.

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  5. I know that feeling. Thank you for writing it beautifully.

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  6. I so get this. I love being a mom. Of course, I love my children to pieces, but at times, I'd love to be able to sit back and enjoy them without being needed 20 times a minute.

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  7. I love this...solitude does feed the soul. And open windows and morning light. I've made a habit of getting up early this summer to find a few stolen hours while everyone sleeps. It has been such an unexpected gift. XO

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  8. Yup. I hear ya. It's a cycle for me. And I acknowledge it, but it is still difficult. My kids don't understand. My husband doesn't understand. I can sit in the room, with everyone screaming and laughing and yelling and fighting and and and... And I don't care. I just sit. I feel immune or unable to move. I sometimes put my fingers in my ears and stare blankly at their requests. It's immature, maybe. But I shut down sometimes. As long as it isn't all the time and it isn't something that means I am neglecting anyone, I don't see the harm. It just is what it is. I don't WANT My kids to think I'm perfect. Good Lord. What a pedestol that would put me up on! Can you imagine trying to emulate a "perfect and selfless" mother? I don't want that for my kids.

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  9. Oh how I love this congregation around you in a comment section on the Interweb. We are nodding like at the sky. Like you have spoken a secret motherhood mystery thing out loud--gave it shape and form and a bit more understanding. Thank you, Steph.

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  10. this sums up the way i've been feeling for a week pretty perfectly. i'm so glad to know that it's not just me. i hate this feeling. i always feel like less of a mother for allowing myself to feel it. thank you for sharing

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  11. I totally agree. Having 4 kids, surrounded by chaos doesn't mesh well with my introverted personality. I want to be here, but just not with all the touching, needing, ect. all the time.

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    1. This is what I wish I could say when people think I just need to get away. I don't want to get away. I want to have to go anywhere. I want to be here, but not here.

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    2. I feel this way all the time. I thrive on alone time, which is far from plentiful with the young kids...and no, I don't want to get away! I want to have my quiet, peaceful solitude in my own house...mmmhh....will just keep dreaming for now.

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  12. definitely get this. having 5 homeschooled kids in the house means mama has a definite shortage of time to herself. my favorite thing, the definition of luxury to me? when the mr. takes them to the park or the library on saturday. a few hours of silence is heaven.

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  13. I know exactly what you mean.

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  14. ahhh the long days of motherhood... (((hugs)))

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