But for readers who come along, they can think I'm still in that same moment- and sometimes I am, but I'm usually not. Writing my way out, typing to meet or even locate myself, it's a method I use to figure out what in the world I am really feeling. And, being human, I am a harsh critic. Especially when it comes to motherhood because it's kind of a big thing. It's pretty much my world.
And honestly, my morning routine totally gets a C-. But at least I stop to grade myself, and can plan for improvements. Sometimes I need to confess and give it a shake so that I can move on. Maybe it will propel me forward, no looking back, or maybe I'll just hang out and keep treading for a while. It's really hit or miss. I know the pep talks are well-meaning, but my heart is waiting on the I can so relates. That's what keeps me public, and my comments from being closed.
Tonight I sat through Carter's baseball practice -- I've arrived at a whole new parenting milestone. You go from never having a chance to sit still to an entire chunk of time to do nothing while you taxi and wait. I am reading books again! And staring out the window. As an aside, I love that even though the field is far away from where I park, I know which boy is mine.
But anyway, as soon as we walk in the door from practice I boil a pot of water and successfully scrounge up dinner. Usually I get an A in groceries but it all depends on my hormones. This week was one of the D weeks = bare cupboards. But I made pasta and even put a batch of brownies in the oven. Laundry was spinning and the dishes got done. Total extra credit.
I excel in plenty of other areas, too - I expose my kids to good music, engage them in thoughtful conversation, foster their creativity- whether it involves paint, chalk, rocks, or Legos. They feel safe and confident even in my poor progress months and most of all, they are loved and they know it, without a doubt. Even though I'll never stop doubting. But I already know these things, and don't really need to write about it often if at all.
I do sometimes wonder if I love them too much, but I won't be making any changes about that.