I pass by and that's me, shopping for big kids clothes, with a cart and arms like that squishy rolly water snake thing you could get at Walgreens when I was a kid, for a dollar. I buy shorts for the boys that are 'smart' and 'on sale' and batteries and a birthday card and toothpaste and my favorite basil dish soap. And I'm actually kind of excited about my purchases.
I read books in search of a smidgeon of me. In characters so I can tuck it away and not have to write it myself. "There I am, that's me," I'll say, relieved, somewhere in my head.
Like Evelyn in Fried Green Tomatoes I'm too young to be old and too old to be young. Yet I've always felt this way, since I cried when I turned twelve because I didn't want to someday be thirteen. When I was still a teenager and moved to the city. And when I was still a teenager and moved back home. When I got married, when I had babies, and all that time since then and in between. When I always knew more than I thought I should and more than I let on and I want to recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I don't want to see where I've been or what I've been through or who I think I should be. I want to find me.
-just write
"There I am, that's me." I'll say, relieved. Me too. And I love that basil soap. Beautiful writing.
ReplyDeleteHave you read Cold Tangerines? You'll find yourself in there and want to have her over for dinner. Invite me as well please.
ReplyDeleteyes...I too look for myself along the way each day. Sometimes I find her more easily than others...
ReplyDeleteI adore you.
ReplyDeleteAnd I have that squishy water thing tied around my waist. Just so you know.
looking for a glimpse of me as well (and all I can find is the squishy pool floaty thing around my ass.)
ReplyDeleteIt truly is beautiful writing. I see you. Right here. And you are gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteThe part you wrote - "I read books in search of a smidgeon of me. In characters so I can tuck it away and not have to write it myself. "There I am, that's me," I'll say, relieved, somewhere in my head."- a light bulb moment for sure! I have always looked for Me in others and that is why I love reading all my fave blogs (like yours!) because I usually say, "There I am, that's me" and I am relieved too!
ReplyDeleteI want to find me too!! Thank you for this post and starting this little flicker of an "aha moment" for me! :) XO
OMG! I just re-read my comment...and how many times can one person use the word "me"??!! Um, sorry for not being a better proofreader! :)
ReplyDeleteThis is so beautiful, Steph. I love your honesty and frankness and relate-ability. :)
ReplyDeleteI think we're all looking to find "me" somewhere. Anywhere.
I read this and thought, "Yes!" Thanks for sharing. It is nice to know that as I go through the motions everyday and try to figure out me that someone else does it too.
ReplyDeleteI almost added, in my post, about my arms and how I noticed them flapping while swinging the other day. There I was, swinging like I kid and looking at old lady arms. It's so confusing.
ReplyDeleteI fully relate to every word, Steph. Love you.
You're right there, in those words. Beautiful writing!
ReplyDeletethis is lovely and amusing...i sort of have those water wings too- dang it! love your honest mama heart.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is absolutely beautiful. I'm so glad I found this post today. I needed it.
ReplyDeletenow i need to go re-watch fried green tomatoes. always trying to find myself, in every reflection, in every circumstance, every song.
ReplyDeleteI have always felt this way~ " I'm too young to be old and too old to be young"
ReplyDeleteThis is lovely.
ReplyDeleteI do the same thing in mirrors except I am asking myself "who is that person in the mirror?" Beautiful post, as always.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm hanging out with you somewhere because I can't find me right now either.
ReplyDeleteWish I could get rid of my water wings but they came with my DNA, so... ;-)
ReplyDeleteI'm constantly looking for ME too. I hear ya girl.
Beautiful, as always...
"I'm too young to be old and too old to be young." That is SO how I feel right now! That moment when you go from always being the youngest in the room to often being the oldest (and yet not old, just in my 30s). It's a weird, tough transition.
ReplyDeleteLovely post, as always.
As always, I love your writing. :) And I can completely relate, on so many levels.
ReplyDeleteI always read your posts feeling like you are IN MY HEAD. It's weird and wonderful at the same time.
ReplyDeleteI'm just going to ditto anymommy. She hit right on the head. Beautiful as always, Steph.
ReplyDeletefirst of all, you have beautiful arms, but I loved the verbage of "this is me walking around Target with my arms keeping me afloat!" Smiles and giggles.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, who am I? I'm not who I think I am, but I'm also not who you think I am.
So what does that make me?
A mom who still is working it out, screwing up all the time, and putting all my faith in Jesus.
Oh my, yes. A smidgeon would be lovely.
ReplyDelete(This post? Is exactly what i craved reading - just heart and soul good writing. Thank you.)
Even though I've heard variations of you saying it before, it still puzzles me that you need to find you. I've had the pleasure of spending time in your company and--of all the people--I would have guessed you knew exactly who you were. That, of course, is an outside looking in view, and those are always maybe a little skewed. But still. You carry yourself as a girl (I hate to be called a woman) with strong convictions and lofty dreams and a faith uncommon. Maybe you're still looking. But definitely don't discount what you've already found. XO
ReplyDelete"I want to recognize myself when I look in the mirror."
ReplyDeleteI have been on this for years. I think I'm getting closer, but at the same time, I'm scared my life will pass before I really recognize the reflection.
I kinda hate it.
This hit home today...thanks for posting. :)
I love this post. In the basic hurriedness of life, I think we sometimes lose who we are and you captured that beautifully.
ReplyDeleteHonest. Eloquent. Relatable.
ReplyDeleteYou remain one of my favorite bloggers of all.
stephanie@metropolitanmama.net
I already commented on this once but I just saw this: http://www.etsy.com/listing/59535139/not-all-who-wander-are-lost and it reminded me of you and this post. <3
ReplyDelete