March 26, 2012

Water Wings

I walk by the full-length mirror in the big kids' section, because that is where I buy all their clothes now, all four, no longer little kids with the T in the size. I walk by and I look like I'm wearing water wings where my upper arms should be. But that is my skin. It's been tank top weather and I was all, what the hey, and there they are. Keeping me afloat in Target.

I pass by and that's me, shopping for big kids clothes, with a cart and arms like that squishy rolly water snake thing you could get at Walgreens when I was a kid, for a dollar. I buy shorts for the boys that are 'smart' and 'on sale' and batteries and a birthday card and toothpaste and my favorite basil dish soap. And I'm actually kind of excited about my purchases.

I read books in search of a smidgeon of me. In characters so I can tuck it away and not have to write it myself. "There I am, that's me," I'll say, relieved, somewhere in my head.

Like Evelyn in Fried Green Tomatoes I'm too young to be old and too old to be young. Yet I've always felt this way, since I cried when I turned twelve because I didn't want to someday be thirteen. When I was still a teenager and moved to the city. And when I was still a teenager and moved back home. When I got married, when I had babies, and all that time since then and in between. When I always knew more than I thought I should and more than I let on and I want to recognize myself when I look in the mirror. I don't want to see where I've been or what I've been through or who I think I should be. I want to find me.


-just write

31 comments:

  1. "There I am, that's me." I'll say, relieved. Me too. And I love that basil soap. Beautiful writing.

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  2. Have you read Cold Tangerines? You'll find yourself in there and want to have her over for dinner. Invite me as well please.

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  3. yes...I too look for myself along the way each day. Sometimes I find her more easily than others...

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  4. I adore you.

    And I have that squishy water thing tied around my waist. Just so you know.

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  5. looking for a glimpse of me as well (and all I can find is the squishy pool floaty thing around my ass.)

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  6. It truly is beautiful writing. I see you. Right here. And you are gorgeous.

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  7. Jody (jody & joy)March 26, 2012 9:20 PM

    The part you wrote - "I read books in search of a smidgeon of me. In characters so I can tuck it away and not have to write it myself. "There I am, that's me," I'll say, relieved, somewhere in my head."- a light bulb moment for sure! I have always looked for Me in others and that is why I love reading all my fave blogs (like yours!) because I usually say, "There I am, that's me" and I am relieved too!
    I want to find me too!! Thank you for this post and starting this little flicker of an "aha moment" for me! :) XO

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  8. Jody (jody & joy)March 26, 2012 9:22 PM

    OMG! I just re-read my comment...and how many times can one person use the word "me"??!! Um, sorry for not being a better proofreader! :)

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  9. This is so beautiful, Steph. I love your honesty and frankness and relate-ability. :)
    I think we're all looking to find "me" somewhere. Anywhere.

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  10. I read this and thought, "Yes!" Thanks for sharing. It is nice to know that as I go through the motions everyday and try to figure out me that someone else does it too.

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  11. I almost added, in my post, about my arms and how I noticed them flapping while swinging the other day. There I was, swinging like I kid and looking at old lady arms. It's so confusing.

    I fully relate to every word, Steph. Love you.

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  12. You're right there, in those words. Beautiful writing!

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  13. this is lovely and amusing...i sort of have those water wings too- dang it! love your honest mama heart.

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  14. Your writing is absolutely beautiful. I'm so glad I found this post today. I needed it.

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  15. now i need to go re-watch fried green tomatoes. always trying to find myself, in every reflection, in every circumstance, every song.

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  16. I have always felt this way~ " I'm too young to be old and too old to be young"

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  17. I do the same thing in mirrors except I am asking myself "who is that person in the mirror?" Beautiful post, as always.

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  18. Maybe I'm hanging out with you somewhere because I can't find me right now either.

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  19. Wish I could get rid of my water wings but they came with my DNA, so... ;-)

    I'm constantly looking for ME too. I hear ya girl.

    Beautiful, as always...

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  20. "I'm too young to be old and too old to be young." That is SO how I feel right now! That moment when you go from always being the youngest in the room to often being the oldest (and yet not old, just in my 30s). It's a weird, tough transition.

    Lovely post, as always.

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  21. As always, I love your writing. :) And I can completely relate, on so many levels.

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  22. I always read your posts feeling like you are IN MY HEAD. It's weird and wonderful at the same time.

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  23. I'm just going to ditto anymommy. She hit right on the head. Beautiful as always, Steph.

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  24. first of all, you have beautiful arms, but I loved the verbage of "this is me walking around Target with my arms keeping me afloat!" Smiles and giggles.
    Secondly, who am I? I'm not who I think I am, but I'm also not who you think I am.

    So what does that make me?

    A mom who still is working it out, screwing up all the time, and putting all my faith in Jesus.

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  25. Oh my, yes. A smidgeon would be lovely.

    (This post? Is exactly what i craved reading - just heart and soul good writing. Thank you.)

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  26. Even though I've heard variations of you saying it before, it still puzzles me that you need to find you. I've had the pleasure of spending time in your company and--of all the people--I would have guessed you knew exactly who you were. That, of course, is an outside looking in view, and those are always maybe a little skewed. But still. You carry yourself as a girl (I hate to be called a woman) with strong convictions and lofty dreams and a faith uncommon. Maybe you're still looking. But definitely don't discount what you've already found. XO

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  27. "I want to recognize myself when I look in the mirror."

    I have been on this for years. I think I'm getting closer, but at the same time, I'm scared my life will pass before I really recognize the reflection.

    I kinda hate it.

    This hit home today...thanks for posting. :)

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  28. I love this post. In the basic hurriedness of life, I think we sometimes lose who we are and you captured that beautifully.

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  29. Honest. Eloquent. Relatable.

    You remain one of my favorite bloggers of all.

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

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  30. I already commented on this once but I just saw this: http://www.etsy.com/listing/59535139/not-all-who-wander-are-lost and it reminded me of you and this post. <3

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