February 27, 2012

In my notes

It was the session I was most looking forward to at the conference and it was the one where I had "a moment." That usually happens to me at least once at these things, and this was a biggie. It was such a moment that I almost got up and left the room.

I felt so many things all at once- fear, happiness, understanding, revelation, and belonging. All of those things make me cry hot tears. My heart raced and I wanted to fill the notepad and I wanted to lie down right there on the floor and sleep for days. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm always showing up just a bit too early for life, or often a smidge too late. It throws me off, and I take it personally, and I wonder what is wrong with me. Our speaker, Ananda Leeke, in this late afternoon writing session mentioned something just as an aside to our participation -- maybe some of the questions would be too personal or wouldn't be for us. What she said was so small and just a little tidbit in a long beautiful group of sentences purred in her calming voice --  I'm not sure anyone else wrote it down. But I did. "Maybe you'll have an in-between moment. That's okay." Whatever it was meant for, I took it for me. 

Deep breaths. Write a six word memoir that expresses what you are feeling in the present moment. Go.

"It's time to take the freedom."

A woman reads her six words into the microphone and sobs. She wants to know how she could find her way back home to herself. My body begins to shake. 

Write down what your creative heart needs and wants. 

"My creative heart needs and wants a view, freedom, and a purpose." (And a barn cat.) Yes I wrote it down just like that. 

She talked of the many inner women or voices or personalities or whatever it is to you that you imagine in your creative heart. What do they want you to know? 

We closed our eyes and took 10 nose breaths, in a n d out.

"You are loved.

You are special.

You are smart.

You are unique.

You are a good friend.

You have good intentions.

You need to work on some things. 

But they aren't as much work as you think.

You aren't damaged.

You can change.

There could be truth in criticism.

You know better.

You'll be okay.

You are on the right path.

You can do this."


(The above notes were taken directly from my notepad in Ananda's session Fierce Living From Your Creative Heart.)

In the next morning's writing session, Jeff Goins presented How to Fall Back in Love with Writing and Create Your Best Work Yet. He offered a link up at his site asking us to write something dangerous, something you're meant to write or afraid to write, what you wish you could write. He's written out that session, with the link up here.  I'm feeling quite panicky publishing most anything so far this year. Look at me, living on the edge.


38 comments:

  1. you know, I'm not sure I had one of those moments. But then again, maybe it's still coming....

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  2. This is lovely. And messy. Which makes it even better. I love it!

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  3. Keep writing... So true. Oftentimes I'll be so down and depressed and I'll write and sometimes, that's all it takes to make me feel better... I love blogging conferences forays all the positive energy.

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  4. Came over from Jeff's Blog just now...And I really like your list! Precious insight and permission :D Thank You :D

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  5. Oh, this is good, but I'm so sad that you were at Blissdom and I MISSED you! I wasn't in Ananda Leeke's session (I'm off to visit her site now) but I was in Jeff's; I thought it was incredible. I'm putting up my "scary post" tonight...

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  6. hmmm...how rarely i go to a blog to comment anymore. what a lost art?

    so, stephanie...i just have to tell you something. your writing is unbelievable. from when i first read your blog, when gray & noel were just tots, i just feel like you have FOUND yourself. your writing is so real. YOU are so real and genuine. i'm so glad you're giving yourself the freedom to be you. can't wait to see what's ahead.

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  7. I really can't wait to listen to this session. Just from reading this I have hot tears perched and ready to fall.

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  8. Sounds amazing. Blissdom in general was that way for me last year. I'm glad you had that moment and have it always, to hang on to through your memories and your notes.

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  9. I'm sitting in tears on the couch in my house.

    I have always felt too early or too late. I've never felt just right or on time.

    Steph, thank you. Thank you.

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  10. I was sitting at that exact moment across from you during Ananda's session and I remember thinking that something big must be going on for you.

    I had that stirring. A moment when truths were unlocked as words flowed out on the page. Wasn't it wonderful.

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  11. Love. Thanks for the link. And for being dangerous. :)

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  12. Jeff's session was one that hit home for me. I'm beginning to worry that he'll think I'm some crazy stalker chick because I keep mentioning him!

    Glad you were able to get something out of the sessions as well.

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  13. Jeff's session was amazing too, but Ananda's was the one I wrote about, too---and the one that had me in tears. I stopped by via Rachel's blog and am so grateful I did. I loved your post.

    You are smart.
    You are special.
    You are loved.

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  14. Beautiful. I am moved by your honesty and truth. I also feel that "too early or too late" as well as "too much and never enough"

    Thank you for sharing!

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  15. Reading this post reminded me of a 'moment' I had recently myself, where I wrestled with whether or not to start writing the real story of my life. Whether I want the words out there on the internets forever or not. I clicked the link to Jeff's post and read this:

    "The world doesn’t need more safe writing. Write something dangerous — something that challenges the status quo. Something that moves you (maybe it will move others, too). Then, no matter how scared you are, share it."

    The thing is, I do have something 'dangerous'I could write about. And doing so scares me to my core. But then I read your post and wondered if it was the Universe giving me a nudge.

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  16. Sometimes I think our heart is ready, ready for something... but we need a tiny nod, or a tip, or a bump for things to come spilling out. Things that we didn't even know existed. Or maybe we knew there was *something* but it was just beyond the reach of words. Ananda was your little nod. Thank God for the little nods - just when we need them most. Let the spilling commence! New season, perhaps? I think yes. I'm looking forward to seeing what emerges from this space. (From your space.)

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  17. The thing about your writing Steph is that your most "perfect" posts come along when I am at my most "imperfect" moments. This list.....I am writing out, by hand, and carrying with me always......ALWAYS. If you only knew the impact of your words my friend......

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  18. Now I'm totally wishing I went to Ananda's session. I met her briefly and she has this wild energy about her. I did have a moment. One of those moments where the tears fell and I had a little clarity. Putting that into practice is now my biggest challenge.

    We didn't meet, did we? I wish we did.

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  19. I'm so glad we were told that they were recording all of the sessions, because I didn't get to any of the writing sessions but hears from several people that they were terrific! Glad you embraced them :)

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  20. I'm sad I missed Blissdom this year! I've been thinking lately that I need to "just write" more, too!

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  21. This is so lovely. I'm not sure what my creative heart needs and wants, but I'm going to be thinking about it.

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  22. I can't help but read this and think "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." from The Help, which is about my favorite book/movie dialogue ever because it's so true.

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  23. Beautifully said and beautifully written!

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  24. I love this....so very beautifully written from a place deep inside! I was in Amanda's class as well and I really enjoyed the writing exercises...they gently forced me to think and embrace my own creativity.

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  25. You are dangerous.

    And fabulous and inspiring and all that is good.

    (This is the first post that I've read that really and truly made me wish that I was there.)

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  26. All the moments are still swirling for me. I love yours.

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  27. I am so glad you had fun!! I will definitely try to be there next year. Maybe we can be roomies? I just love your heart, Steph. I am so glad the conference spoke to your heart! xoxo

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  28. Your notes made me cry. I needed to hear that. Thanks for sharing your "moment", Steph.

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  29. Of all the "highlight" posts about Blissdom that I'm sure to read, this one--THIS one--made my heart yearn to have been there. I needed that session.

    And also, I know you've been trudging through some crud lately but from the bottom of my heart I want you to know that your writing isn't suffering for it. Your words still move me. Every time. But I get that they need to move you. Oh friend, how I hope that Blissdom gave you a swift push in the right direction. XO

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  30. Wherever you were, I so wish I had been there!
    OH, how I feel like I've got nothing to say and everything to say. That no one is listening and really should that matter?

    How amazing for you. I'm so glad you had that moment!

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  31. I know my creative heart needs something, I can feel it so much lately but haven't figured it out yet. But reading this put words to what my heart has been aching to say lately.

    Jen

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  32. This part: "You need to work on some things. But they aren't as much work as you think." resonated so hard. I'm so glad you had that experience. Epiphany is too small a word for such a big opening in the mind.

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  33. What a wonderful session! It sounds like you carried a lot away from it.

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  34. I know how you feel. I left Ananda's session feeling like I had been to counseling. Every time someone shared and started to cry, I had to fight to hold back the tears! It was a great session for focusing.

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  35. that was a powerful session, and im so glad i was in it with you. great justwrite writing!

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  36. It was nice meeting you at breakfast and during Jeff Goins session. I got a lot out of that one. As far as the sessions go, his was my favorite but I didn't go to Ananda's.

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