January 9, 2012

Will I remember this?

Will I remember this, crouching next to her in the little firetruck bed. By dim light I knit because she awoke and said she felt too scribbley, and cried until she shook. We took deep breaths together and she woke her brothers. I had drugged them to sleep with a chapter of Tom Sawyer but now they rustled again. Shhhh.

When it was quiet, and I was sure they were out, I sat in the tiny bed and dared not make a sound. I looked around and pretended I was little like them. I saw the papers behind the dresser, the sock on the floor, the clock that ticks but tells the wrong time.

I knit until I didn't and just sat and mapped my move.

Even if I write it down I wonder what I'll really recall. Even if I memorize, will it still feel the same? Mostly I just hope they remember the feeling of having me here, sitting and waiting for them to drift off in the safety of my keep, the click of my needles, and the hum of my whispered song good night. Mostly I just hope they know how much I love them.

- linking up, just write

33 comments:

  1. this made me teary. i love the line about pretending you were little, like them.

    (I want you to be my mom.)

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  2. Girl. You have SUCH a way with words and making them just BE real life. I love you for that.

    And I can SO relate to these feelings lately. This is why I did not "kick" the 4 year old out of my bed late last night when I discovered him there... :)

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  3. me too! Especially on the days I can't figure out why I'm so upset at them.

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  4. I hope that for my family too. I don't always feel I give them what they need but I hope they always know how much I love them.

    Steph, there is a sadness in your posts lately and I just want to say that if I can help (lending an ear or anything else) please let me know how.

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  5. Okay. This is just about the most gorgeous thing I've ever read on motherhood. So beautiful. So perfectly summed up. Makes me want to cry.
    Gorgeous.

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  6. I loved that bit too, where you pretended to be little like them...and noticed the clock that ticks but tells the wrong time. Gorgeous writing.

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  7. I just <3 you Steph. You always make the every day seem beautiful. And it is!

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  8. What a beautiful moment(s)- so simple yet true.

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  9. Beautiful! I believe they will remember the feeling of you making it safe to fall asleep!

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  10. Beautiful! I believe they will remember the feeling of you making it safe to fall asleep!

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  11. [[[hugs]]]. Some nights it is so hard, isn't it?

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  12. This is beautiful. Isn't it amazing that we are the memory makers now? That the things we do are what our children will tuck away and carry with them?

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  13. I am so sure they will know how much you love them.

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  14. So very beautiful. I love those moments, sitting near while little ones sleep. The ache to know if I'll remember not just the moment itself but how it feels - you captured it so perfectly.

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  15. Yes, this. Mostly I just hope this, too.

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  16. They'll remember.
    They know.
    I am sure of it.

    Jen
    www.thewholebagofchips.com

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  17. Beautiful. Your heart is just beautiful. What a blessing your kiddos have in knowing they have a mama (and papa) who love them so dearly.

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  18. When my {gulp} 17-year-old was born I remember nursing her on the couch when she was 4 months old. Tears streamed down my face because I was so sure I would forget what that moment felt like. Today, I could tell you every detail, down to the shape of her mouth, and the feel of her fingers draped on my chest.

    Rest a little easier, friend.

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  19. your Just Write posts have become my favorites- this one is especially beautiful!

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  20. Every single day.

    Love it.

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  21. This is a good thought to think throughout the day when I'm with them.

    "What will the remember?" I feel a blog post stirring . . .

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  22. beautiful...I try to remember "me" in the them. and I remember my mom's smell, her warmth, her love. I remind myself then that I remember nothing about what she wore, her make up, her wit. I remember her being life. I want to be life too.

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  23. I really needed to read this today, Steph. Thank you.

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  24. "...the click of my needles, and the hum of my whispered song good night..."

    absolutely breathtaking, my friend. I will remember. :)

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  25. I feel so much the same way, so often. Despite all my pictures, my journal entries, my playing it over in my head every day...I've forgotten how a 4 pound newborn feels in my arms.

    I guess the only thing to do is to enjoy it while it's happening, not worry about anything but the present moment?

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  26. Oddly, "the click of my needles" made me teary. Oh, and then the whole "mostly I just hope they know how much I love them part"...

    They do :)

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  27. Awwww. I don't think I've ever wished harder for a picture since reading your blog. I would love to have seen this.

    "And goodnight to the not-so-old lady whispering hush."

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  28. I need to take up knitting just so I can do this at night too while Punkin drifts off to sleep...

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  29. This coupled with the post below it? Breathtaking. Beautiful.

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  30. This is beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

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  31. Oh, they will. I'm certain of it. I love that you wait with them until they fall asleep. We (usually) do the exact same thing.

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

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  32. I have been having a rough time here lately with this mommy , SAHM thing and then I read this. This brought me back to a better place. It is still tough...but so worth it. Right?!? Your children will know. They will remember and they will love you so very much for it all(they already do but you know what I mean). Thank you for sharing this.

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  33. I love your post. I used to wonder if I would forget. And I did forget some things. But now that I'm far on the other side of my children being small I find those sweet memories pop up at the most lovely times. And besides, my grown boys remember, and they're (mostly) sweet enough to tell me :)

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