January 23, 2012

Piece of my tooth

I vacuumed out my purse the other day.

And today I was tentatively diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I go to the lab for blood tests in the morning. Something is not right.

I sat at dinner, and looked at my family, and wanted pen and paper right there so I could start listing all the things I really love and how I so desperately want to do more of them. Like eating together. And what I won't miss. I just don't think I'll ever look back and think "I wish I watched more TV," or "I wish I spent more time on Facebook." I know I won't say I wish I did more laundry. I don't think that's possible anyway. And  I hesitated when it came to my writing. Do I wish I wrote more? Because when I don't write, I don't miss it.

Seriously I wondered if I'd finally gone and just wrote myself right off this blog. That maybe the only words I'm left holding onto were my whole truth and I'm still not ready to let them go. As good as a story I know it would make, many things are better left unwritten. And little pieces of my truth will always be more than enough.

Carter left a note under his pillow for the tooth fairy, "Piece of my tooth" with the broken tooth Scotch-taped underneath. He said he figured he should get at least a little something for it.

She left him a dime.

And he was elated.


linked up - just write

53 comments:

  1. oh, i love love love you. hand-written card coming in the mail stat.

    xo

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  2. It takes guts to do what you're doing, Steph, the biggest guts. To put your hand up and say something isn't right. That's beautiful and brave. You know that I'd miss you terribly if you weren't in this space but you also know my first heart in that discussion is what is best for oyu and your family. We'll always be here, listening for whatever you have to say or share. You are valuable and beloved.

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  3. Brave and honest. And it's real. So real. Thanks for sharing.

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  4. I love you so much. I know you've been struggling. This is such a beautiful piece of your soul. Can't wait to sit, talk, and just be in ONE MONTH!

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  5. Know it and live it and just quietly nodding with you. Thank you for sharing this with us, love. <3

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  6. Please don't feel alone. There are so many of us with anxiety and depression, myself among them. I wish I knew why, but I don't. I only know that it's okay. Or at least, it will be okay even if it isn't right now.

    I hope that if you're at Blissdom I'll get the chance to see you and give you a big hug from a stranger who totally gets it.

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  7. Although it seems like a little piece of your truth, it's not, it's huge.

    You never know, you may find that if you leave your writing for a bit, a long bit or a short bit, the desire will come back to you.

    I've recently left something I truly loved doing for more than a decade and for the moment, I can't go back to it. But I wait patiently for that desire to return. I know one day the darkness will lift and it'll be there waiting. I know that for you as well.

    For now, focus on you and getting back to you and the things you love and do want to do more of.

    Sending peace your way.

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  8. Oh you lovely creature.

    The most wonderful ones are always damaged. It's what makes us super special.

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  9. I know what you are saying- probably for different reasons- but I get it. I miss you and I wish we could get together more.

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  10. We're here for you Steph. Whenever you need an ear to listen or a virtual hug.

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  11. Not all who wander are lost. Take time and revel in the simple comforts for as long as you need them. A little tooth might be falling away, but that might just mean it's making room for a big tooth to take its place, and you never know what that tooth will look like until it's all filled in. I won't say "don't despair", and I won't suggest that you should be feeling anything but exactly what you're feeling. I'm just saying, sometimes the most profound inspiration comes when you're doing something else entirely, and you find yourself or you find The Truest Thing You Know when you're looking the other way.

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  12. Virtual hug, and thanks for sharing. We'll be here to read whatever you choose to write.

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  13. (((hugs))
    depression and anxiety... I know it well.
    Good for you facing it head-on and honestly.

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  14. {I relate to so very much of what you wrote here.}

    I love that you took stock of what you would miss, and what you would not.

    {Humbling}

    Sending good thoughts your way.

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  15. hugs and prayers to you for taking steps to make it right...

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  16. Oh, Steph.

    I could have written this too. I thought I had just run out of words, you know? My camera sits in the corner and I don't even bother with it.

    It's slowly coming back and I stopped my meds two weeks ago. (But I so needed them, I did. Maybe I still do. Time will tell.)

    I love you times a gazillion,
    Z

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  17. Hug, I feel you. I am weaning off mine, I am writing about it now. The guilt I am feeling to equally love my boys is killing me.

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  18. I hope you get the right answers from the blood work and I (always) hope you get to do more of the things you love. Those things will be lucky to have you, whatever they turn out to be. Feel better, Steph.

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  19. A beautiful piece of writing. I "feel" it :)

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  20. Hugs to you! I pray you will find a solution. Thanks for sharing. Take your time. Get well.

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  21. I hope that you find your happy medium. You are a beautiful writer and might need a break. A well deserved break. Thinking of you Steph!

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  22. Hugs
    It's hard sometimes to face it when things are not quite right. Your very strong to come out and say it, put it under public scrutiny. Having lived with depression almost all my life I can understand a little bit. Just be careful about the medication, I have seen others have huge troubles with that. Long story's there. I would strongly suggest seeing someone who specializes in anxiety and depression, don't want you to go trough what they did.

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  23. Oh Steph...this was me a year ago. I remember asking my doctor, "Am I losing my mind" and she looked me right in the eyes and so gently said, "Honey, that's anxiety. You are NOT crazy." It does get better, I promise. Hugs and prayers and love to you.

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  24. PS - I didn't quite realize how NOT myself I was until a few weeks on medication. Then, suddenly, I felt like a fog had been lifted and I remembered who I was and how to enjoy life again. Just wanted to encourage you - there is healing.

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  25. You are in my prayers, Steph. I love you! Hugs!
    Aunt Diane

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  26. On this road myself. Cheering for you to get the clarity that you want/need. Cheering for you to be you, and to find your happiness. You deserve it.

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  27. You are beautiful inside and out!

    This quote gives me courage...
    “I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year, ‘Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.’ And he replied, ‘Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.’”
    -Haskins

    P.S. I like your wish list..I'll never wish for more laundry or FB, either. :) You sure have your priorities in line...good for you!

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  28. I'm here for you if you need anything. I pray you get your answers soon and this too shall pass. You have so many supporters who love you. You are so important to so many people and we love you so much.
    Carter's partial tooth cracked me up. He's such a smart boy.

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  29. So glad you are reaching out--in real life and on the blog. Life is HARD.

    I know I'm in some serious need of a big dose of inspiration right now, and we're so lucky we're about to get it IN SPADES.

    Hug to you. And this gem I got off Stacey Morrison's blog that she got somewhere else:

    Trust Your Struggle.

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  30. yeah, the whole truth is a lot stickier than computer keys allow.
    that's probably why i only post about once a week.
    i let the truth spill out on the furniture when my computer is closed.
    sometimes there isn't much left over.
    (but maybe photos, like you mentioned to me?)
    regardless, let your truth seep out. it tends to boil over if left alone too long.
    xoxo

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  31. Hugs and thoughts are with you...

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  32. Thinking of you and lifting you up in prayer, my friend. xoxo

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  33. Praying for answers and that you'll find yourself thinking things feel more "right" in jiffy.

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  34. Thanks so much for sharing your words and your feelings. Hugs!

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  35. Thinking about you and appreciating any words you share with us here. xo

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  36. Brave. Beautiful. To stand in the dark and shout, "I'm here!" so that others in the dark can hear that there's community there, too. I stood in the dark for years, and I was desperate for every voice I met there.

    Praying for flickers of light,
    Beth

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  37. Steph, I love you. You are amazing and strong. And brave.
    I am thinking of you. And sending hugs and love your way right now.

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  38. You're so very brave, for accepting that something was wrong, and seeking out the help you need. And, most of all, for sharing it here, with us. Nothing makes a person feel less alone than realizing that they are not alone. Thank you. And FWIW, I will miss your words if they are gone. Terribly.

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  39. Yours is one of the very first blogs I ever read...and still one of my all time favs and must- reads.... Because you are you and not someone else. You are raw and honest and it's beautiful. Because it's real. I think we'll always have a longing for something more and truer as long as we are here on this crazy earth. He is more than all of this. And lives are changed when women (or men) take a stand and share openly about "real life."
    Praying for you now with tears of understanding....

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  40. Oh, Steph. I have come on here three times to comment, but didn't have the words. There is so much beauty in this post -- in the words, the analogies, the honesty. I pray that today's test went well and that you are able to find some answers, but more importantly, I pray for rest for your soul. ((Hugs))

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  41. Hugs and prayers for you. I'm sorry that it's hard now and I pray it won't feel that way for long. I hope you will continue to do the right things for you, writing/not writing, etc.

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  42. thinking of you and your daily struggles and hoping you find the right answers.

    xoxo
    liz

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  43. Love your writing. Love your style. And absolutely love your authenticity. It's rare, sought after, and beautiful. Hold onto that always, Steph, and to the truth that you are loved by our Maker to infinity and beyond. You are precious. :)

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  44. Thinking of you and how you're feeling. I can so relate.
    Be strong ~ you'll get through it. Hugs.

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  45. Thanks for being so honest, Steph. Your blog will forever be one of my favorites.

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

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  46. You know...I have been living with anxiety and depression for years now. Right now it's an ebb tide. I am sorry yours is rising. But it will ebb, too.

    The most important thing to remember is that it's something that HAPPENS to you, like a cold, not who or what you are.

    constance.reader@gmail.com <-- if ever you need somebody who understands.

    x

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  47. My prayers are with you, Stephanie. I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

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  48. I find a little piece of peace and beauty right here every day. I want you to know that. But I also want you to know that when you are done, I get it. I've made that list and I'm not at all sure that any of my time online is on it.

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  49. Steph,

    I'm being treated for depression as well. I've also suffered with anxiety. These things are directly related to the bacteria attacking my brain and hormones. I believe that, often, depression is a symptom of another physical issue. If you feel in your heart that something is wrong physically, I encourage you to continue seeking answers. If you ever want to talk, I'm here.

    Janelle

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  50. I'm walking this road right now. It's frightful and dark. It's lonely and isolating. And it's also filled with grace. Unbelievable grace that gets just a little bit brighter each day, a little bit clearer in each step. {for real, friend. for real.} You are in my heartcry prayers.

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