January 17, 2012

One Hand Larger

I am waiting for my tea to steep. And I'm still waiting, at the age of thirty-five, to feel less misunderstood. Finally realizing that this might just be my albatross. So on the upside I now have some clarity about something.

fingerless mitts

I made one hand larger than the other. Not on purpose, I've actually tried to convince myself that they're fine this way (but they're not) and hopefully I'll rip out the too big one and knit it all over again. Even though the more I wear them I kind of don't notice all that much.

The days are so long, and the piles are so high, and my energy is so, not. I tease myself about new ideas and am reminded by the glare of everything else that still and will always need to be done, and so.

Knowing better, yet so frustrated that I won't even allow myself the pursuit -of so many things, stumbling upon their purpose. And shame for how behind I am on everything that came before. "Focus on something more motherly, more Christ-like," more not where your heart bows even though you can hear your own pulse tell you to follow that bend.

And you couldn't fathom your own child struggling with a similar voice. You can do anything you can do anything you dream!


But I really have to locate the source of that wet dog smell. And I herd and I feather and I do feel fulfilled and inspired and good for a little while again.

linked up- just write

22 comments:

  1. Steph, you kill me. I think we all are a little Mary and a little Martha. The Mary just wants to pour all her attention into what makes her heart beat best while the Martha part of us searches for the source of the wet dog smell and nags us about all the other details. The details never go away. The opportunities to pursue your deepest passions, however . . .

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    1. I hope everyone reads your comment. Might need to tattoo it somewhere.

      Steph

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    2. Seriously woman! You read my mind, but you put it into words so much more eloquently than I could even attempt.

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    3. Beautiful and perfectly worded.

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  2. Sometimes, I wonder if it's all too much. Can a person be everything she wants and still be everything they need? I don't think about it too much, though. All too soon, I'll have all the time in the world to work on my dreams.

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  3. Oh Steph,
    Reading your blog is like taking a great big deep breath...thank you for helping me breathe a bit easier today:) XXOO Chrissy

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  4. Steph, every time you write you take how we are all feeling and write it so Damn well.

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  5. Trying to focus on being more "Christ-like" over here too... it's hard.

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  6. Oh my, yes- the tug and pull of all that needs focus makes something too big, not fit- always. Sigh.

    {Beautifully written, as always}

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  7. Love the very first comment that was wrote by Adam. There's always a tug and pull on us especially as mothers I think.

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  8. It's so hard to be self aware (and sometimes painful when it's not). Kudos to you, for knowing who you are!

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  9. This is beautiful, as always!

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  10. Ari and I were just talking about this clarity (and lack thereof) and how it all makes us feel like such a grown up. The number of our years doesn't, but the feeling in our being does. And how sometimes it's our understanding that things won't always go our way and won't always be perfect that makes it all easier to swallow. When you know those things with your head AND your heart, it all seems less important somehow. (Wow...that was a great big circle of thinking! I hope it makes sense to someone other than me.)

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  11. Oh my! It's like you looked right into my soul. I feel so bogged down by what I need to do that all the things I want to do take on a chore like quality. And yet I am fulfilled. And I know my blessings. But that pile of laundry HAS to get done. So know you ate not alone in this. But you already did I am sure.

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  12. I love your just write posts. I linked up for the first time this time! It was fun.

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  13. I can totally relate to those feelings of being misunderstood, my dear Steph. How you take something difficult and make it into something beautiful, well, I'm amazed.

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  14. They sure are pretty gloves. Or mittens. Or whatever : ) I hope you feel better soon. The winter gets sort of hard and crazy doesn't it? : ) Just remember, spring is sure to come.

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  15. I first started reading this absentmindedly.
    Then, I got all confused.
    And then, I tried to read it again.
    Finally, i realized that was the point!
    thanks!

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  16. You write so beautifully. I'm imagining that you always write with one hand on the keyboard and the other on your chest to feeling every heartbeat. Hugs to you my good friend.

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Your comment is gonna totally make my day!

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