January 30, 2012


Here necklaces hang on door knobs and music plays on a CD in the kitchen. Potatoes bake in the oven and I can smell that I used too much olive oil, and some ran off the pan that's going to be a mess to clean up that I'll forget about the next many times I cook something.

The boys school their younger brother about Kid Jail. "Yeah, Juvie, yeah, see." "They make you eat really gross food."

"I heard you have to eat chili every day."

I place a threat with my eyes. If you throw another paper airplane at my neck I swear I'm going Google the closest kid jail, dude. 

And what is it with little boys and the incessant need to hit their mom on the butt?

I got my bloodwork results back a few days ago and they were normal.

This is where I write a bunch of serious things about how I'm doing and what I'm feeling and about treatment and my faith, about being broken while pretending not to be (and however then could I -we- be fixed when we do that), but then I cut and pasted it somewhere for maybe later, because I just can't go there right now.

What if I look foolish, what if I misrepresent, for saying what I said. But if I can't write the truth about my life

I will not write at all.

Maybe later when I'm ready.

Lately I've been wishing for more than what we have here. For the first time I'm antsy, not as content as I've always been in this tiny house this town. I need more space, more rooms, more places to put stuff.

With a view.

I want windows lots of windows and a breathtaking view. Out in the country. Trees, or at least one, you know the one that reaches with hands and shades and gives you something to write about. Something to look at, sky anything. But a good drive will do, for now, we don't have to go far, we pass trees and beach and stretch and land and then we are back home to here

and it really is more than okay.

linked up - just write


  1. Wow! This is really beautiful. I can relate to wanting more space, more rooms, a bigger house.
    And why DO boys always feel the need to give us a swat on the butt? ;)
    Beautiful writing.

  2. A good drive can do so, so much. I reach this point where I just feel like I'm going to break if I don't get fresh air/fresh scenery. And nothing's even "wrong."

    We're not meant to be caged.

  3. Swats and rubs, all day long.
    And I know so much about being broken and pretending not to be,
    But it is just.so.much.work, this pretending.
    And I am trying to stop pretending but the lines are so blurred and mixed up
    And what is pretending, anyway?

    1. "And what is pretending, anyway?" <---perfect.

  4. I drive almost every night, when Ryan is in town. And during the day that's what we do when I feel that itchy feeling, like everything is all wrong or a meteor is about to hit the house or something. Then later I can't sleep but I can and then I can't again. Then I do, lightly, and so often I dream about the house with open spaces near trees and water. But I like it here, too.

    Yes. I get it.

  5. love this honesty, steph. i can just feel the words slip off your fingers as you type. and you know, i'm feeling the same ripples as you. i keep trying to skip a rock and hoping for more. fortunately, each ripple is beautiful enough that even one is enough. that's what i keep telling myself, at least.

  6. This line ---> It really is more than okay. What a way to finish this gorgeous post. I have felt this, I feel this, I will feel it more tomorrow. It really is more than okay there, here, both of us.

  7. Oh Steph, so beautiful.

    I wanted to comment the other day when you mentioned a potential diagnosis. I did not have the words...I am finding that just because I know that road doesn't mean I have the right words. And I don't...but if we were in the same room, all I would know to do is to hug you and say "I know"

    Your name has been placed on my heart numerous times this last week...know that you are being covered in prayer.

    Big Hugs,


  8. Oh yes, yes, yes. On so many levels I get this. Seth pinches or smacks my bum several times daily. ;)

  9. Oh yes, that want that need that fear of resending and mis-telling. I get that.

    {I also get the little boys and hitting mom's butts. What *is* that about?!}

  10. You should totally watch A Room with a View. I'm sure you have. But you should watch it now. Or soon.

  11. Yes. I could totally go for more space. I like how it feels like you shared a stream of thought.

    I love this idea and decided to join. Thanks for the intro!

  12. Not foolish. Not foolish at all. We all go through things.

    And yes, the butt smacking runs rampant around here too! What IS up with that!?!?

  13. When I lived in Santa Barbara, I had beautiful things, but no space. I put everything in storage and moved to Thailand. Now I have space but I miss my beautiful things. But really, it's more than okay. We don't have to have it all at once. We have the whole rest of our lives to get all the pieces aligned. It's something to look forward to, isn't it?

  14. Oh I so love this Steph:) So beautiful and I love how you catch yourself from falling, that you have this incredible wisdom that keeps you afloat. Reading your blog is like riding all of these little waves with you...I so love it. You are so beautiful. Right. Where. You. Are.

  15. i pray you find a window today...one with lots of trees, and lots of room to breath. I am finding more and more that when you write your truth it is never silly. just more scary. and living, really living, is a little scary always. {said by me, inching one toe in to the pond of living)

  16. absolutely beautiful piece. and bless you for seeing with eyes so true (it really is more than okay) and for sharing that vision with us.

  17. So thankful for good report on the blood work. And remember when your brother would scare me with that big snake in the microwave? Being patted on the behind is their way of showing they love you..

  18. Oh my goodness! I am so glad my son is not the only one who rubs my butt!

    But hugs to you. I totally understand what you are talking about. In fact I wrote about that recently. Take your time. Always open up when you are ready...for then it will be the time to help someone else

  19. When you are ready to write the words will flow freely from your fingertips, or not quite as hesitantly as they once did. While we all might be on similar paths, this is your story and you can't tell it wrong or misrepresent it. There are thousands of times that I think about pulling certain posts of mine, but I don't. I want to be real, I want people to know that I struggle and that struggle is really okay. It may hurt like hell, but its okay. Try not to pretend too hard, it can be exhausting all in itself.

    Love you lady. xo

  20. The decision not to write... so poignantly written. Thank you.


  21. I know the feeling of needing space, so, so well. Love your just write posts.

  22. This. Is. Beautiful.

    Hugs to you.

    (And my daughter loves to swat my butt too.)

  23. I am very much with you on the "something is not right." I also have been feeling this way for the past few months. I know in my mind I should be happy. Life is great. but, my heart and my gut do not follow. I have such an overpowering sadness some days. I am a good, "brush it under the rug", though. But..even lately it has been hard to convince myself that the happiness needs to show not the sadness. Like you, my bloodwork came back normal. I have upped my vitamin d, played more music and added more excerise. Hoping the gray clouds go away.

  24. Steph, I totally understand. And it's not JUST the season, but oh, how I KNOW this season and what it can do to my mood.

    Take heart that it's FEBRUARY already! The flowers are confused and already pushing their way up through the dirt by us. Soon, it will be spring and the views out of any window will be magnificent.

  25. Yeah, that's it. I'm fine, no I'm not. I'm content, i mean I need to be. Why can't I be? So many people have far less. here I am with plenty of food and heat and a bed and stove, etc.

    Oh, I am so there.


  26. I've been offline since last Sunday until just this morning. Thinking about you and glad you're getting in some nice drives. xoxo


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