Yes I totally geeked out right then.

Listen To Your Mother auditions are still re-playing on loop in my head 

*side note- did you watch the Oscars last night and hear Best Director Tom Hooper's last line when accepting his award? "Listen to your mother." Yes I totally geeked out right then.* 

and I've got some big decisions to make this week.  I might disappear for a little while to do some casting and bathroom deep cleaning and playroom gutting (it's in serious need of caution tape) (I so wish I was kidding). And, inspired from all that I heard this weekend, I'm going to be making up for some lost time with my kids. I've found no matter how good of a mother I am, I can always love- and show it- a little more.

In the meantime...

I got word that starting at 10am CST Misha Lulu is on sale today at The Mini Social. I've got a coupon for you to use: $10 off with code: AIB10  (valid 2/28 through 3/2).

On Ivy: Misha Lulu dress & pants, shrnk shirt found on The Mini Social, One Ruby Lane boots.

[I truly love Misha Lulu (you know that by now) and have not been compensated in any way to make mention of this deal, but when you sign up from my link at The Mini Social, I get shop credit from your first purchase.] 

Ready to listen

This is my set up. I am here early, before the first audition of the day.

Yesterday was amazing, as I expected, but a bit more mind-blowing than I could have imagined.

How is it that every-one has such a unique story to tell? - and - I want them to be able to tell it.

But, I can only choose a handful for my show, to make it The Show. Each piece could stand on its own, but in the end, for The Show they must marry each other and compliment and flow.  I feel honored to have heard the words of the women and men that share and bare their souls and hearts and jokes to me (and Samantha and Sarah, who so kindly sat in on auditions with me.) We grab tissues, nod heads, and laugh.out.loud. So many of these folks are not even writers or bloggers. They knew they had a story and finally wrote it down.

What story do you need to tell? Write it down. Discover.

My hope is that for those that don't get cast, that they know that it doesn't make their story any less worthy of the ones that are chosen. I hope they will continue to share it, tell it, post it, speak it somewhere. Be heard. Some-one will listen, and I've found often that it will be the very person that was meant to hear it.

Like Listen To Your Mother on Facebook, follow on Twitter; the cast list will be posted this week.

A really big bag

The knitting class I've been taking is for a felted shoulder bag- I get to felt it next week. So, until then, it's ginormous. 

Yes, I knit all that. 

I am now working on the belt and then plan to make a braided handle. It will keep me company in between auditions tomorrow (which, by the way, today is the last day I will accept audition appointments for Saturday and Sunday! Is your story waiting to be found?)

I'm struggling a bit today with - I'm not sure the right words- basically the feeling that no one takes me seriously. And by no one I don't mean everyone. What is a good way to describe that? You know that feeling that no matter how old you are, you still feel like a child, or that your dreams are just dreams, talents aren't considered talents by others, and then I second guess myself thinking it's my fault for putting it out there, maybe I'm not emphasizing enough the importance of what I do. Maybe I can't even see the value in my talents, so how can I expect others to receive it for what it is really worth? But why must it require a megaphone? What if I just want to gently be, and that would be enough, and still be known for its beauty and amazing-ness?

Anyway. Here's my latest fashion tip: while shopping at Target with Sarah last night I realized that the long fitted tees in the Girls' section size S (6) makes a perfect dress for Ivy.

The fabric of our life gets torn.

I took my uncle to the bus station, then went home to my grandmother and tried to be strong. Meaning, I collapsed into her arms, a weeping mess.

It's hard, that space that is there. As the days go by, it gets bigger. I didn't know it would be that way.


Why Dinner Will Never Be Ready.

Last night I prepared two different meals, for the bean eaters and the meat eaters with a pot on every burner and the water running and Gray lost Noah's brand new DS so without even realizing it I'm upstairs with my head under a bedskirt searching and underbreathcursing and then downstairs swatting Valentines off my hutch into a paper trash bag, remembering the water running down the cabinet, and the bag of chicken sits on the counter, cold pans on burners.

Ivy brings me my bible LOL and

drops it into the overflowing sink.

The phone rings and I accidentally squirt the counter with dish detergent (really?) in an attempt to clean SOMETHING.

I can do five things at once but I can't get one of them right.

Most days it's not like this, but get out of the groove even a smidge and it's all upset, needs mending.

I arrived to my knitting class the other night with confidence and a mostly-done project. I showed my teacher one area where I thought I might have made a slight mistake, meaning, she ripped out a ton of my work (a ton) and fixed my mistake and got me back on track. A bit behind, but I'm back where I need to be.

I Think You're Wonderful

 

I fell in love with a pillow yes I did.

[Purchased from Olive on etsy.]

It's the little things

that i love about most days

and you

and them.

Husband, I think you're wonderful for being such a support  go! he said when I mentioned BlogHer this year. So I go. Totally on a whim I got my ticket today. Will you be there, too?

Other things I think you're wonderful knitting class tonight + friend bringing us famous baked mac & cheese dinner + this friend, this one, i love you, heart her (they all kept my family fed and cupboards full the past week) + the many words at my heart doors when I thought I'd wrote them all away.

from the right bank

It is like, the last week of February. I don't know how that happened, but yet, the last week alone felt like a whole year so I s'pose that's how it's going to go for now.

I'm ready for new beginnings, new seasons, and whatever is awaiting to surprise me.

This coming weekend is The Big audition weekend for Listen To Your Mother. I feel super mellow about it all and just know each piece and person will fall right into place. Then after that I have a lot of work to do, on top of the work I already do, but it's stuff I love. That's awesome... so much to keep me looking forward and not behind.

Also I don't know how to explain it but I- and my whole family- have felt like this blanket of peace, like a constant covering or pouring upon us- ever since my grandfather passed on. It's such a befuddling yet beautiful and amazing feeling.

On Ivy: pants by Right Bank Babies from Zulily which happens to also be on sale there today, too. Not sure what sizes are left. Tank by Shirin via The Mini Social. [When you sign up from my link at Zulily and The Mini Social, I get shop credit from your first purchase.]

Not fade away.

 

We released balloons at the grave site today. It was the first time I'd seen them present the flag- he served in the Army- and as they played Taps I could hear Poppal humming it like he would do.

So thankful for these photos, I took last fall.  

Noah turned ten this week, and we got him a cell phone.

!!!

(He can only text and call family.) But it's been awesome, like, more than I thought. He watched his brothers and sister in the nursery at the church for us yesterday and today and would text Daddy if he needed anything. It was such a relief.

Tonight in the car on the way home he texted me, "Mommy can you see the fool moon?"

Yes, I could.

Hi how are you?

 

We've had such a wonderful week seeing family we never get to see, people that I love so much and am going to dreadfully miss when they have to go back home, far away. It took all week for Ivy to finally warm up to my [favorite] cousin Chad... this photo was taken yesterday and he had to leave last night.

So, it's all been so surreal and I feel I'm all in my head and heart and not hearing about how everyone else is doing. If you get the chance, let me know how you are and maybe tell me something interesting -or even boring- about you that I don't already know.

I like having something to read to get my mind off the heavier things. Love to you all.

in the quiet

*update: he just passed a little bit ago- around 4:15pm.

I don't really have an update. We've been spending time at hospice. It's so nice and homey there. There's a play area for the kids, and the room Poppal's in is like a little living room. Ivy hopped down from my lap yesterday and asked if Poppal was done yet. I think she meant taking a nap... ?

Gray has been asking a lot of questions and it's starting to make sense to him. While we were on our way over there yesterday morning he asked what it meant to pass away. Tears rolled down his face and he said, "All of this just makes me so sad" [sniff sniff] "I just love Mommal and Poppal so much- (he looks out the window) Slugbug!- I don't want him to die."

 

The last time we went to Cracker Barrel, Ivy kept dropping her bear on the floor and Poppal leaned over to pick it up, he had his hat off, and she kissed the top of his head. It was so sweet. 

I feel like all your comments and facebook messages and tweets have been you here visiting with me, coming to the room one by one. No one was a stranger to Poppal, so surely you were his friend. I really don't know how to say thank you enough, in my head I keep thinking up thank you cards, and so I will say it here and every time I get the chance. Thank you.

My Mommal, and my dear Mom and Aunt Diane, they are all really doing better about it all, this time has been so peaceful, it's hard to explain. The comfort is really upon us. I didn't want to leave him last night. It was just me and him, and I really wanted to stay with him all night. Selfishly I hoped he was still here when I go see him this morning, but I don't want him to suffer any longer. I'm not good at this letting go.

I'll fly away

I've had that photo as my iphone wallpaper since I took it a couple weeks ago. That's my Poppal.

Friday was his 80th birthday. We visited a little bit in the morning, took him a new flag for his garden, and Ivy played tea party with him like always.

That night, we had a huge birthday party for him. Family and friends from all over came to see him. He was so happy. Ivy thought it was her party, so when we sang and he blew out his candles, she cried so hard. So he had them light his candles again and we all sang- again- but this time to Ivy. And they both blew out the candles together.

Saturday morning I got that too-early in the morning call. You know the one that can't mean good news. Poppal had a massive stroke a few hours after his party was over.

I spent all yesterday in the ICU with him and my family. I watched my Mommal say her goodbyes to her partner of almost 60 years. And through the afternoon into evening I saw the grief slowly turn to peace, falling softly upon us.

I spent this morning up there with him, just us two. I played him every old gospel favorite I could find, and after that God Bless America and The Battle Hymn of the Republic. He was the most patriotic person I knew. And I don't know how many people understand my relationship with my grandparents. Most people just see "old", I know, but I don't. I never felt they were a burden, but it was a privilege to spend time with them, to bring them joy wrapped up in Ivy and Gray packages during our daytime visits.

We took the kids up there, it looked like he was sleeping. They just moved him to hospice nearby so I am heading over there in a few minutes. They are making him comfortable while we wait for him to pass on.

The very last thing I said to him Friday night as I hugged him goodbye was, "I love you, Poppal." I know he knew I loved him. And he knew I knew he loved me.

Have you seen her?

I am almost legally blind without my glasses, and this morning I was getting out of the shower- and the way the sunlight shined on Ivy's eyes, they glowed this bright blue, almost purple. Even to the almost blind.

She has pockets in her pants for candy! and stickers!

And a sneak peek to a possible someday-post about having a girl after all boys:

Yes, I had convinced my soul that having a little girl was scary, that it would mean having a "little me" and truth be told, I am not always a fan of myself. I do see so much of myself in Ivy but ...it is all the good parts. It's like God created her to show me the reflection I have never been able to clearly see. I have new eyes.

Ivy's hat is from the San Diego Hat Co, ruffle socks by Matilda Jane, & painter overalls from Tea Collection. (I buy all her Tea Collection clothes thru my affiliate link.)

muffle

Honestly I didn't even take myself seriously when I mentioned recently about writing myself off the page. But now I am wondering if my fingers could see into the future.

Here I am, enjoying the silence. Still feeling a whole lot of feelings but not really moved to write them down. I'd rather just let them be.

Or it could be because my ears are so stuffed up. I'm sick. Noah was sick last week (and he hasn't been sick in years) (he had a fever, I was on edge) (and one after the other we all got sick.) I am still miserable so I'm finally giving in and am off to urgent care as soon as hubs gets home.

I feel relieved. For the longest time I think I confused that with defeat.

A Case(y) Of You

 

little ivy, me, casey, emily - cheeseburgher 09

Emily cooked up a big ol' love on Casey celebration and today I'd like to say a few words about THE Moosh In Indy.

Ok, so, we both live in Indiana and had been blogging for a long time but would you believe it took us traveling to Kansas City to finally meet? Well, it did. And I don't know about her, but I instantly felt a connection.

Blissdom '10

Casey opened her home to Ivy and me last summer to stay for a couple days and while I was there I felt like something was neither "off" nor "on" - just different. That next week I'd find out Casey was pregnant and she didn't even know it. Casey- my friend that I ached for because of the years she tried for a baby and then finally made peace with her infertility... she was going to have a baby. 

I cried, I was thankful, and I am so very happy for you, Casey. You are the type of friend that I can't wait to see again, your beauty just comes out from the inside of you, you are fearless- which amazes me- yet you will admit when you are afraid. You are knowing even without me having to say the words.

I have so much more to say but I've written you a novel in the package I sent (which you can open now) - enjoy. And know you are so loved, you are so special, there is so much promise in that life inside of you.

Love,
Steph

Emily is also hosting a giveaway post on her blog every Saturday where Casey (and a commenter) will be gifted an item. You should probably check it out, and, if you would like, go ahead and leave some love-on-Casey comments here, there, and everywhere (on Twitter you can include the #mozzi hashtag).

February FOUR

This is reality. Gray didn't want his photo taken, Noah has a sore throat, and Ivy fell asleep. Carter? He's always ready for his picture- or checking on Ivy girl.

I keep meaning to write this down- instead of saying "Everybody" Ivy says "Everyboy." It's pretty cute. Because in her world, it is all boy every boy.

I used to take photos of my kids on the first of every month, now it's on the fourth. Four for four... get it? You can see past month photos here.

This could turn out either really awesome or really bad.

I spent over an hour the other night organizing all of my knit-wares and filled a bag with all sorts of scrap yarn that I have no idea what I'll ever do with but I keep them anyway. I had actually been planning to finally knit myself some fingerless gloves (you know I've made so many for everyone else but myself?) and I was going to just use random mis-matched fibers but then I found myself shopping online for new clothes for Ivy and not finding any dresses I really liked so maybe I'll just have to make my own. I'm only using scrap yarns, pulling from the bag by chance, with some of the strands not even long enough for one row. But I think it will give it a cool effect. Or it could turn out looking like throw up.

You'll know how it turns out if I end up posting a photo or not.