December 12, 2011

This is from memory

our day

I know the sound of the mail truck.

I know when there's sirens to bristle and make sure the ringer is on. I am a mother.

I know that thing that I thought would be the end of me. I stare oddly while stopped at the red light. Amazed that it's now far, far, far behind me. I will look at each of my kids someday and faintly remember. Thankful that good times always always outweigh the bad. And that the bad times were just a minor role,

a bit part

to the really really good.


In the grocery store, my cart is full and I'm almost done but not quite done and it's that not quite done that almost totally sends me over the edge. Like, I could have just sat down in front of the toilet paper and cried. Or simply walked away from my cart and out the door. But I didn't and so I just finished up like any regular day even though inside I was not okay.

My daughter closes her eyes with each bite of the soup I made from scratch. I sit on my hands to keep myself from leaving this moment and my chair to grab the camera. So I look at each face and beg to remember it all, each bit of this piece of time that seems to be everything that matters to me in this world right now around one wooden table. I try to memorize, the words I'll use when  I retell it here. And I'll be okay if I don't, this event still happened even if it doesn't have a photo and if I don't ever tell a soul. I let my mind wander at the stakes

of keeping it all for me.

In the evenings I juice a grapefruit or two and put the glass in the freezer until the kids are asleep. I check on them, they are perfect and safely delivered through another day and now I can just be. And I drink my grapefruit slushy with a spoon and you know, this is like what I look forward to all day. Especially today. The last minutes at the end, the mosey around the finish line.

Lately I try to remember what life was like before the Internet and I wish so hard we could go back to there.

-- linking up w/ just write

31 comments:

  1. The grapefruit slushy idea is brilliant. I think I'm going to do the same thing - just because of you.

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

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  2. uhhh...the grocery store scene. yes. are we all just one minute--maybe one choice--from losing it or what?

    i have to still go tonight and i think i played those scenarios out in my head already. and it's totally at the not quite done.

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  3. Uh huh. Yep. all of this.

    I coulda totally plopped down in the TP aisle at Target and cried today but instead I finished my shopping too.

    Life is a tad overwhelming at times. In so many ways. I wrote about it too.

    xo

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  4. I totally *did* breakdown at the grocery store. I so get that part. and the internet, yes.

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  5. Well hello, I am an emotional wreck reading this on my phone, rocking and nursing because this hit home way too hard tonight.

    Or this past week....

    Xoxo
    Thank you for sharing to let others know and remember we aren't alone.

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  6. I know I've said this many times before, but I just love your writing. I love and admire how you're able to catch the simple moments and render in them so much meaning, your ability to take the mundane and make it poignant. Simply beautiful.

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  7. You. Your children. Your moments. Without the internet, I wouldn't know of these. And that would make me sad...if I knew.

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  8. I love how your words encourage, convict and refresh me all at once.

    How they reach through the screen put a hand on my shoulder and say its okay, it happens to me too; at the same time remind me to savor these moments, the ones that fleet.

    Odd how the late night quiet can be more restful than sleep.

    Jen

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  9. completely get your words! i have been avoiding my computer for days and wishing it didn't exist... of course, i know it's there, waiting, with hundreds of emails that need my response, and pictures to edit, and friends to check on and ...boy, to just plop down in front of the tp. yep. i get that.

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  10. This. Yes. The grocery store scene. My heart feels you.

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  11. i've had days where i get in the car and then can't, for the life of me, get out and go anywhere. so i drive and go through the drive through and then go home. and i pretend we're on a driving adventure for the kids' sake. *sigh* i get the grocery store. oh, how i get it.

    (and a grapefruit slushy??? i'm totally trying this. it's got to be a whole lot better for me than this nearly empty box of trader joe's eggnog cookies.)

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  12. Only once did I walk out of the store while praying for forgiveness for leaving a full cart in in aisle way. Only once. It was either that, or stand there and cry for all Wal*Mart to witness. Inside my heart was screaming, on the outside I was eerily calm. My kids still talk about that day as if it was burned into their memories.

    Thanks for sharing your story.

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  13. I've had my share of losing it with my kids in the store (I'm not sure that's what you are referring to though) and even left my cart a couple of times. It rubs me wrong when I see other parents do the same, until I remember and try to give them some slack, if it isn't meaness or abusive. Sometimes I supress the urge to scold their child myself. I have to hand it to the mom's who don't just walk out but stick around to deal with the looks from everyone who she knows is thinking how she SHOULD be handling it.

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  14. yes for going back to those days.

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  15. Beautiful, both somber and real and leaves one smiling.

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  16. I really love your sharing. I also have a lot of experience in shopping with my kid's.

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  17. So many moments when I want to run for my camera... it's so hard but so good to just sit in the moment. Those moments, the good ones, definitely do outweigh the bad; hold onto that.

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  18. mmm...my husband often reminds me to just ENJOY the moments instead of pulling out the camera right away. i'm trying to do that, to etch the memories on my heart. these are beautiful words, steph.

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  19. Seriously. I could sit down and cry in front of the toilet paper every time I walk into a grocery store. I loathe that chore.

    And I have no idea what my life would be like without any internet. But lately I'm thinking it would be much fuller. I'm trying to work through those feelings because I do love blogging. But my competitive nature is getting the best of me and I'm left wondering if it's all worth my precious time.

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  20. I have such a mix bag of feelings about the internet too. I've stopped myself from Twittering b/c I've already got a 3 blogs and a FB account, 3 email accounts and belong to multiple forums. I've also drawn the line at Pinterest b/c I can see that leading to one hell of an addiction to envy for me!

    But then I think of all the positives, I can look back and remember because it all slips away so quickly in the busyness of life. I read posts about Ella from 2006 and think, "I'm so glad I wrote that down!". I think it becomes a problem for me when it affects my real life in that I am noting as I am running around what I am going to capture in my next blog/FB status, etc. I take internet breaks now and again because it is hard to manage it all responsibly with 100% good intentions.

    When Hannah died the internet friendships my sister and I had formed previously rallied around our family. I never forget that level of kindness from the world at large. That is really what it is all about. Sharing, enjoying learning about different people and places and lives. I'm glad you write! I would miss you if there were no longer any internet since your blog has been such a part of my life for so long. :-) I don't often comment but I am here reading every week. Life was more private prior to the internet but I think of all the hikes I've gone on virtually with another blogger, or quilts I've watched being made, or pregnancies and babies being born. It a miracle and we are living in a modern Renaissance due to our access to everything in the entire world. Don't wish it away!

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  21. I'm in love with these small slices of your day.

    And the fight to not leave the moment and the beg to memorize it all, gift it to yourself. Oh my yes, that.

    {Beautifully told}

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  22. Yes. I always have to fight to stay in the moment, too. This internet. It's saved me, and saves my memories too. But sometimes it's so very hard to stay away from it.

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  23. I feel every single bit of this post. Written perfectly.
    And yes. I wish we could all go back to a time before we were plugged in 24/7.

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  24. this is so good, i can't even think of where to start. you. i am just glad you are here.

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  25. "Ivy closes her eyes with each bite of the soup" - I can just imagine her face, full and content.

    It is so hard as a mom to enjoy moments without a camera in our kids faces, but so sweet when we resist.

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  26. How marvelous...I too remind myself to just soak up the moment at times. Undistracted living is THE BEST. But hard. And almost boring unless you re-learn it. Now I want a grapefruit slushie!

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  27. The internet makes me scared for when I have kids. Will they get to experience the same things I did growing up, the simple things, or will it all be replaced by indoors and the ability to know without exploring?

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  28. The internet has changed so much hasn't it? And not just for me, but for my children. So often I am so thankful for it, but those times when we go out of town and I deliberately leave my phone and laptop behind are magical.

    We are in the middle of a bad part of life, I feel all too easily could break me. I can only hold onto the idea that we will look back on this one day and remember so much of the good and less of the bad. We will, right?

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  29. i want to come thru this computer and hug you. I try to hang on to the good moments but I feel overwhelmed by the bad. Sometimes the internet just makes it worse but after reading this, i feel better. Thank you. (and hugs!)

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Your comment is gonna totally make my day!

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