I hold my breath. I don't even realize it until I remember to let it out. My shoulders are high, and I forget to loosen up. I am so easy going except I'm not. And this surprises me every time. I think what I want to do is have a little tantrum and an ugly cry. But. That just sounds exhausting, and I don't have time for it anyway.
Ivy keeps carrying around this photo of me in the hospital after I had Grayson. Little Noah and Carter with their matching buzz cuts are on the hospital bed with me and baby Gray. But Ivy cries, face buried in her hands. "I wasn't borned yet. You forgot about meeeeeee!" And no matter how much I try to explain, she doesn't understand. But you were there, you were in my heart. God hadn't made you yet. She loves that photograph but it makes her so sad.
But I missed my brothers! I missed you so much.
And I imagine that she did. All that time waiting. And I think about me and my not-rightness for so long, maybe all my life. I missed her, too, and I didn't even know it. And how many things that I love make me so sad, too. Why they do that? Why? The things I miss that just aren't here yet.
School concert tonight: the high school gym was full of kids and coats and hot. Gray and Ivy would not sit still and there was music, so, Ivy thought it was a personal invitation to perform a ballet and her shoes squeaked on that gym floor with every spin. I took her to the stairwell so that she could dance, I took her on a walk, I sat down again in the bleachers and knew that if we could just get through this, it would be worth it. And it was.
*bff Jenny recommended the Pandora station to me, btw.
-- linking up w/ just write