November 11, 2011

eleven eleven


At 11:11 am this morning I put a flag by his grave. I rearranged some plastic flowers that had been knocked down by the wind and noticed Ivy's beach rock was still there, beneath it a mark from the weather and rain. She put a new stone next to it today, this one had googly eyes. One big and one small.

We went to lunch and then back to Mommal's. I did some knitting while we watched The Chew and One Life to Live. Both of those shows are super weird but I was so into them. I kind of just didn't want to leave. The fall chill slips into your bones and you want to pull the sweater closer, wrap your scarf up higher on your neck, draw in to family. And bad TV.

I have a whole lot of wishes I'd like to come true. I worry when I know good and well worrying does nothing but keep me up at night. Something inside says just think about how relieved you'll be when all of this has passed, and I almost believe it's so. Toss, then turn. But when you're deep in the middle, and just want to survive this moment, you hang on. And you worry. And it leaves its mark like the weather, like the rock.

We pass by a field of sunflowers every time we visit. I look forward to the yellow and today they were black and hunched over. I think of Ecclesiastes. And a time. A beautiful deer stands still in the grass. I am so happy that Ivy sees it, too.

After dinner (I knew that flat of Ramen noodles would come in handy one of these days) I slump over two sinkfulls and can't even wash dishes in peace. Mom Mooom MOM Mom. EVERYONEGETOUTOFTHEKITCHENNOW. I will be here again after breakfast. It all seems so futile, and I'm tired, and I want out of thethickofit. But now I'm sitting and I sent them all downstairs.

My mom called. Her dog died. So there's that.

A time.


  1. P.S. there is no Ecclesiastes 11:11 but there is an Ecclesiastes 11:10 --
    So then, banish anxiety from your heart
    and cast off the troubles of your body,
    for youth and vigor are meaningless.

  2. Totally stunning photo of your totally stunning daughter. Hugs to you.

  3. Yes. A time.

    For everything.

    I hold on to that.

  4. your writing is. just. totally. amazing. and your photography too... I *love* everything about this picture... I want to hug you both. hugs, JH

  5. I also love that Ivy saw the deer too. :)

  6. Sad for you today. Remember, there's a time to heal, a time to laugh, a time to weep. I hope tomorrow provides you a some time to laugh. Hang in there.

  7. I love you so very much. Thank you for the gifts buried in your writing.

  8. Powerful words here. Just stumbled across your blog and it totally tugged at my heartstrings.

  9. *Big sigh* I hear you...and I'm thankful. Thankful that there are women that understand!
    Praying blessings on you tonight :)


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