I realized the other day as Ivy asked me to lift her up because she was "too tired of walking" from the car to the house that she really is getting too big for me to carry even on my hip. Babywearing really has drifted far off into the distance.
She's of course never ever too big to hold, however.
I'm too tired of everything. I was hoping as we settled into the school year and fall that I'd catch up from the summer of yes and awesome things, but, I have yet to find any sort of appearance of balance. So I've been walking around half-awake all sideways trying to show up for whatever it is I need to show up for.
I'm so frustrated with myself because I don't see a reprieve anywhere in the near future (which is all my own doing) and you see, I'm already on empty. I'm malnourished spiritually, physically, and artistically. I find myself wanting dumb stuff that's not me, making stupid mistakes, letting people down, and caring about things that have no weight or worth or real estate in my mind or heart at all. And the setbacks just sift right on top of what I was trying to dig out of all this sand that is my life right now.
Not that there is some dark black cloud hanging over my head, because there are so many good and beautiful things happening right now all around me and probably you yet I've swindled away all my energy to love it like it should be loved.
So, I'm going to take a nap right in the middle of the day, and I'm pushing the reset button on a random Friday afternoon halfway through October.