October 14, 2011

Good night.

I don't know about you but I'm just like utterly exhausted from this babywearing week stuff. After this I should be good on the subject for at least another year, okay? We'll keep the babywearing in my title and that's about it.

I realized the other day as Ivy asked me to lift her up because she was "too tired of walking" from the car to the house that she really is getting too big for me to carry even on my hip. Babywearing really has drifted far off into the distance.

She's of course never ever too big to hold, however.

I'm too tired of everything. I was hoping as we settled into the school year and fall that I'd catch up from the summer of yes and awesome things, but, I have yet to find any sort of appearance of balance. So I've been walking around half-awake all sideways trying to show up for whatever it is I need to show up for.

I'm so frustrated with myself because I don't see a reprieve anywhere in the near future (which is all my own doing) and you see, I'm already on empty. I'm malnourished spiritually, physically, and artistically. I find myself wanting dumb stuff that's not me, making stupid mistakes, letting people down, and caring about things that have no weight or worth or real estate in my mind or heart at all. And the setbacks just sift right on top of what I was trying to dig out of all this sand that is my life right now.

Not that there is some dark black cloud hanging over my head, because there are so many good and beautiful things happening right now all around me and probably you yet I've swindled away all my energy to love it like it should be loved.

So, I'm going to take a nap right in the middle of the day, and I'm pushing the reset button on a random Friday afternoon halfway through October.


  1. I love your blog! I just "retired" the sling after 10 years and 5 kids, but then realized I still need it sometimes for my 2 year old plusu it would make a great LEASH! mommykerrie at yahoo dot com

  2. Oh, Steph, I HEAR YOU!! I agree with every. sentence! Fifth grade is gonna kill me! Even worse, I also have been making poor decisions for myself...let's get together and share our guilt!

  3. How about an art day! You and me and paper and hearts and yummy food and, and, and, and, let's make some stuff! I am going to be making some garland and mobiles and cute little paper flower vases for my little art show sale open house thingy in November.....come on over for some TLC:))))))

  4. oh, i need a reset button from this week as well. i mean all is good, and fall, how i love the change of seasons. but yeah, i'm tired too. xoxo

  5. "So I've been walking around half-awake all sideways trying to show up for whatever it is I need to show up for."

    So, I walked out of Gabe's therapy appointment leaving my shoes and didn't notice until I was halfway to school to pick up Gavin (late).

    And it is about so much more than just forgetting the shoes...


  6. Malnourished. That's the perfect way to put it. I've been feeling that way for such a long time, it's become the new normal. Ugh.

    I think I need to find the reset (which I first misspelled as "rest," which seems utterly fitting) button for my days, too!

  7. I love you sweet girl and so does God. He's madly in love with you! Praying for you and sending my love.

    Janelle (nell)

  8. Hope you get recharged and refreshed soon, that something in life gives you a boost artistically, spiritually and physically.
    For me right now the best thing to recharge is to cook good food. Try to find the joy in the mundane things

  9. I know this feeling! This week I started to give myself 20 minutes of rest time in the afternoon if I feel like I need it. It sometimes helps to get up in the morning knowing that I will have some down time. And not fun planned time. (not that it's bad, but sometimes even hanging out with friends--which I LOVE to do--is not what I need) What i need is a nap. Good for you for doing that! Gianna
    gianna (dot) kordatzky (at) gmail (dot) com

  10. i know some of this, too. be still. be filled, beloved.

    {also? i wore my almost two year old all day in a sling at a festival and am tired beyond words. sad to things these baby days are passing.}

  11. I've been feeling some of the same. I think that just about everything we are doing is good for us, but it still seems like too much. And I don't know what to let go and what to hang on to no matter the difficulty.

  12. It's amazing how much work self-care is. But the alternative is burn out which is wayyyyyyyy worse.

    Tread gently, friend.



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