The thing is, I want to talk about him. But when I do I start to cry.
There must be a six-month milestone when it comes to grief. I haven't Googled it or anything but I'm almost sure of it. When you lose someone, it's more shock and affairs at the beginning. But when the dust settles- and when they were the life of the party and lit up every room and now that is gone- their absence... it's just so there.
The past few weeks the tears just brim. I've got my own set of losses but the kids, they each are still processing the first close death in our family. Ivy misunderstood a while back and we really haven't corrected her. Poppal's in Kevin? She'll ask- a lot- and I'll affirm that it is true. Poppal's in Kevin (Heaven).
But she still thinks he could walk through that door any minute.
And while on Skype with my Aunt Diane in Louisiana, she was showing us her sweet grandson Aiden. He and Ivy were waving and being cute on the webcam. Then she called to Uncle Clark in the other room- Aiden calls him Poppal. And Ivy says brightly, "Oh, Poppal's not in Kevin? He's at Aunt Diane's house?!"
His cell phone and wallet are still in the desk drawer. Ivy rung him up, "Poppal you're in Kevin? Did you get your head fixed? Oh, you're at the beach?"
She wants to talk about him. I want to talk about him. Carter misses him tremendously, featuring him in a writing assignment just yesterday (unbeknownst to me- all those dates are from his memory).
The thing is, I can imagine him standing right there. I can still hear him. I am in that in-between of it not being so raw but also still being able to remember everything. It is weird here.
Yet, comforting. We miss him.
- just write
My grandmother (Mama Jo) died 8 years ago. I still miss her terribly. And I've never missed her more than the days each of my babies were born. She, like your Poppal, was the life of the party and I hated that she wasn't there (in the flesh) to celebrate new life with us.
ReplyDeleteEven a year and a half later, there are days when something reminds me of my grandfather and I can't stop the tears. Grief is a crazy thing. *Hugs*
ReplyDelete6 months is a milestone, definitely. I didn't think I'd survive 6 months, so when it came and went and I was still here, I was shocked.
ReplyDeleteHere's the thing about grief...it is going to get you. It is sneaky and you never know when it's going to rear it's ugly (and healing) head. try to find the time and space to let yourself feel and cry. I have learned if I don't, then it will happen when I can't hold it in anymore and it may not be at the best place (like the grocery store or airport or in the carpool pick up lane).
xoxo
Oh this is heart breaking. I have no words, just my heart- it's yours.
ReplyDeleteoh my. I'm so sorry for your loss and the loss your kids are feeling. I think when you lose someone so close to you every day is a milestone. I have no advice, just know that I'm (and many) are thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteWell, this is so poignant. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteOh darling, this post is hard to read, grief and lost are part of life I know, but not easy!
ReplyDeleteI love you!
Kim is SO right - it will get you and mostly when you least expect it.
ReplyDeleteNovember 9th is one year since my mom passed away. It still slaps me in the face and at the oddest times. I'm still processing life without her.
I get it. Hugs.
I read this and it is sad in the sweetest way... There is nothing worse than losing someone so close and the desperate ache. But you guys just get it right, sad an longing and it sounds like the happiest memories. It is so great that you are all talking about it and your pop is so part of your lives and just won't be forgotten... What a beautiful legacy he has left.
ReplyDeleteBLESS CARTER'S HEART! I want a copy of this to frame. What an impact he left on so many that loved him. I am so glad his great-grandkids were able to know him and feel the love he had for them. You are right..TEARS! What a touching post.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for your pain Stephanie. You and your family will be in my prayers today ;)
ReplyDeleteFeeling your pain as I'm a week away from the 4 month mark of losing my own Grandpa. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever get to the stage of being able to talk about him without fighting back tears. Every time I walk in their door I expect to see him sitting in his chair waiting to greet me.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and your family's hearts.
Peace to you, sweet Steph. This is just hard. So hard.
ReplyDeletexo
oh hon. I'm so sorry. I miss my grandpa, too. We've been having lots of talks about life and death because we have one very very old grandpa left, and it's sad even on this end. I hope you find the comfort you need for you and the kids, and the words you need to talk them through it.
ReplyDeleteLove to you, Steph.
I have goosebumps, and my heart aches for your loss. I'm right there, too, in that bewildered, sad, place, even as the memories of my Dad comfort me. I needed to read your words, to connect with them, today. I wrote today about missing my Dad, gone three months, with tears streaming down my face and feeing sorry for myself. Then I went to read the Just Write posts and the first two I read - yours and one other - deal with loss and the fear of loss, and how it makes us treasure those memories and ordinary moments with the people we love, because they won't be with us forever, no matter how badly we wish they would be.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts and prayers.
-xo
-Ellie
Those first couple of months and years are when loss really starts to sink in. They miss the birthday, the holiday, or the time you make their favorite meal and realize all over again that they're not here. You may not be able to speak about him without crying but that's simply a testament to how loved he was. You've honored him here today.
ReplyDeleteI think you are grieving both for the loss of your children's "innocence" as well as the loss of Poppal. Grief just is. Just let it be and hang in there.
ReplyDeletei understand this. grief is a strange thing and sneaks up on you. my dad has been gone almost a year and a half and it's still really hard. i still cry when i talk about him. i miss him dearly. we are expecting a new baby right around the 2yr mark of his passing...bittersweet.
ReplyDelete((steph and family))
ReplyDeleteso sorry for your loss! I lost my grandfather 4 yrs ago and there are days it seems like yesterday. Many hugs to all of you as you grieve.
ReplyDeleteSo tough. I am sorry for your loss and for the pain you and your children are feeling. I pray your hearts are comforted.
ReplyDeleteTears Steph! Thanks for sharing this. I have been thinking of you and your loss this week as I know I told you at the time that I was so sorry, but I get it even more now. My very close grampa died yesterday and as I sift through all the memories, and the pictures, and the pieces it hurts and I can imagine the hurt doesn't go away even when it isn't so raw anymore. Sending you a hug!
ReplyDeleteI totally get it.
ReplyDeleteWe are coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my last grandparent's (mt Memmaw) death. I lost one grandfather before my birth and lost a grandmother and grandfather (opposite sides of the family) 8 years ago, only 6 months apart. I'm grandparent-less and it still hasn't quite got into my brain yet.
((Hugs))
It's interesting that Ivy calls heaven kevin, because my brother in law is named Kevin, and my son calls him Uncle Heaven. Now I'll probably think of you and ivy everytime we talk to Uncle Heaven.
ReplyDeleteOh, Steph, oh. I know. That is the thing ... when the dust settles, it's not any easier, it just becomes more real. Grief is sneaky and so in your face at the same time. Praying for peace, comfort.
ReplyDeleteI can imagine it's just hard not to have him there, giving you the physical love and company that you were so used to. I know you still miss him so and I'm so sorry. xo
ReplyDeleteMy beloved Nonno also passed away in February, and this post... I get it. So much. I can't imagine being used to the lack of him HERE, where we are. Sometimes, I feel like there's nothing I want more than to just call him, hear his voice, hear him call me 'Princess' the way he did from the time I was tiny until he found out I was expecting my own princess. It's going to hurt for awhile, I think... but at some point? The assuredness that I'll see him again will take the sting from the missing... transform it from a throbbing ache to a bittersweet wistfulness.
ReplyDeleteHow touching and sad. My gram died at Christmas time last year and my 4 year old brings her up all the time. She likes to talk about how when G.G. died, she thought about how much everybody loved her and then she turned into that love and it was so strong and bright, it was like the sun. That's the best job I've been able to do with explaining it.
ReplyDelete