I can't shake the wonder if it's the right year if it's ever the right year for all of this. And at the same time I take a deep breath and pep talk my mind into letting go. You have to let go.
I dropped Noah off at "backstage theatre" camp today. It's just three hours but I walk him in and then, well, I leave. I walked out into the heat of the summer and put on his first day of school five years ago like a heavy coat. When will it get easier to leave my kids? To let them be without me?
We play at the park with friends and the kids won't leave me alone. They want to sit on me and ask me questions and interrupt my much-needed friend time. Is this what attachment parenting has become? Is this all my fault? They can not play with other kids at a park without my constant interaction? I kind of want to get away from them again. But I don't. Why can't it all just be?
Around the 24 hour mark, Ivy asked about my absence: "Is Mommy at Target?" I do tend to run away to there, and I come back and it's good. For a while.
Staccato moments, I leave I miss I come home I work I snap I sigh I sleep, are not satisfying the hungry soul. When will it get easier to to let me be without them?
I pick Noah up from his class in about an hour. He'll be excited about this new thing, and my heart will grow with pride and he'll move another inch away from me into independence, into the unknown,
into his own story.