July 18, 2011

The really really really long trip to Target

This past weekend I was home maybe a few hours total of my kids' awake time. I went to bed Friday night missing them. Thankful for the opportunity to have a breather, to get to do fun work, to be with beautiful people,  

but.

I can't shake the wonder if it's the right year if it's ever the right year for all of this. And at the same time I take a deep breath and pep talk my mind into letting go. You have to let go.

I dropped Noah off at "backstage theatre" camp today. It's just three hours but I walk him in and then, well, I leave. I walked out into the heat of the summer and put on his first day of school five years ago like a heavy coat. When will  it get easier to leave my kids? To let them be without me?

We play at the park with friends and the kids won't leave me alone. They want to sit on me and ask me questions and interrupt my much-needed friend time. Is this what attachment parenting has become? Is this all my fault? They can not play with other kids at a park without my constant interaction? I kind of want to get away from them again. But I don't. Why can't it all just be?

Around the 24 hour mark, Ivy asked about my absence: "Is Mommy at Target?" I do tend to run away to there, and I come back and it's good. For a while.

Staccato moments, I leave I miss I come home I work I snap I sigh I sleep, are not satisfying the hungry soul. When will  it get easier to to let me be without them?

I pick Noah up from his class in about an hour. He'll be excited about this new thing, and my heart will grow with pride and he'll move another inch away from me into independence, into the unknown,

into his own story.

11 comments:

  1. Tell me more about theater camp. A friend of mine told me about one going on all summer at MOH (weekly, not an all summer camp - just to clarify) but I looked at their website and didn't find any info on it.
    junesaavedra@frontier.com

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  2. "Is Mommy @Target?" LOL! You are doing the right thing, feeling the right things, all of this means you ARE a good mommy! Don't be so hard on yourself. Remember: a mommy's goal is to grow independence in her children. Sadly, this means they won't need us as much. But we get to be proud of the men & women they are becoming. We are NOT raising children. We are raising MEN and WOMEN.

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  3. This made me cry because it's exactly how I feel, although I suppose I am at the very beginning stages being that my baby is only two. I feel I need me time, but when I get it all I can think about is going back to her. I feel so silly.

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  4. I was just telling my husband how I feel like parenting is the biggest roller coaster. Before naptime, I feel like I'm about ready to pull my hair out. Then I go check on them and they are both sleeping so peacefully and they are the most beautiful sight in the world!

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  5. isn't it all so wish-y watch-y?
    i love this post.

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  6. I think this Mommy needs a really long trip to Target :) But at the same time I do not like leaving my babies with anyone. My almost 4-year-old is definitely starting to try her wings a bit, to reach out, to discover her own story. It's exciting, enthralling and terrifying all at the same time!

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  7. It's truly a dance. We step apart, and come together and step apart and on and on... Learning how to dance on their own is what we're SUPPOSED to be doing, but we're not supposed to abandon them completely on the dance floor. A weekend away when I spend SO much time with them at home isn't only a good thing, it's kind of Necessary for my family.

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  8. It's still hard for me to leave my girls at 16 & 13. Now that I work out of the home part time (for the next little bit anyways) it seems even harder. It wasn't so bad when they were still in school but I feel like I am missing out on their summer and I can't get this time back. I think that this is the foundation for being really close to your kids their whole life through. It's okay to get mom time, even if it's an extended trip to "target"

    xo

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  9. Its a hard balancing act, isn't it? I've only recently been able to let go of my own pre-conceived notions of how much time I should be spending with my boys. I had begun to feel like I was missing out on so much that was happening right in front of me because I was instead focused on what other things I should or should not be doing with them. Instead I've decided to be glad that they're self-sufficient happy little people, at home AND away. :)

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  10. If you ever decide to change the name of your blog from Adventures in Babywearing, you could name it "Is Mommy at Target." That sounds like it could be your next phase in parenting. It is very hard to stop parenting even when the kids are middle aged. We've parented so long and are so eager to help, we just don't know when to stop and let them stumble, get up and go on, on their own.

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  11. You always have a way of describing feelings that I to am having. Questions I too am asking myself about attachment parenting and such.... Thanks for being you and for sharing here :)

    Your blog is one of the very first I ever read!! It's been a while (and I'm finally trying to step out and actually comment ;)

    girlwillowmail@gmail.com

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