I lay in bed the other afternoon and closed my eyes for a minute, just trying to simmer, and the only thing I got out of that meditation was that the dishes needed to be washed and I needed to cut off all my hair.
So I went downstairs and washed the dishes and made an appointment with a complete stranger.
I feel like it should be a kinda big deal but it's not, I really feel- nothing. I don't miss it and I don't not miss it. It's just hair. I don't feel like a new person because I think this has been me all along. I feel like maybe I'm getting back to the old me. That last one wasn't working out. Why did I ever let someone make me feel like I needed to change who I am in order to be used by God?
I'm stepping slightly forward instead of slumping around in place. I'm going to do things. I am going to make plans. Some might be little and meaningless, like how I want to get a membership to Costco and start having the kids do chores. Some might be bigger so big that I am still too afraid to speak outloud or even whisper. And I now recognize that fear and allow it instead of tuck it away willing it to not exist. This right now is an awesome prequel to something even greater. Writing it here will not make it happen. I must remember this.