June 19, 2011

It was the color of homemade.

It was the color of homemade. The hat she wore walking her dog. I drove past, hurrying Carter to baseball camp, we'd make it at nine a.m. exactly.

It was a hue that you just don't see sold in stores. She must have made it herself or maybe it was knit by a friend or maybe she bought it at a street fair.

I wish I could knit more. I just don't have time. Where in the world did all the time go? My boys stand up my side and heads in the crook there at my shoulder. It's an awkward jigsaw piece but it fits.

I wish I could read more. I collect books and like how they look on my table waiting, but reading takes a commitment I just can't give right now. That makes me sullen-y.

I pushed Ivy in a stroller down the street today. A girl wearing her baby in a moby wrap passed me and all in one little thought I smiled and then hoped she didn't judge me for pushing my kid in a stroller because if she only knew. I used to babywear, too I wanted to whisper trailing off.

I pushed the stroller and noticed that I'd probably be getting rid of it sooner than later. As has been happening with most of our baby to toddler stuff. Before I know it she'll be out of the big car seat and that's like the last of the gear. Then I'll have no kids in car seats. And instead they'll start needing their own cars. I stopped that thought process right there.

This moment. My hands are in all the jars and my feet are in all the corners and we are all overlapping lines. Soon enough it will be different.

For now this is how we'll live it.

28 comments:

  1. Oh Steph, it seems like your heart is going every which way right now, being pushed and pulled by the continuation of life. I hope this new stage finds you happy and fulfilled. (and with maybe a bit more time for you and knitting!)

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  2. It occurred to me last week that I really should take the big ol' bus of a double-stroller out of the trunk and at least put it in storage. For that Great Maybe Someday. But yeah - we NEVER use it. Because our girls are kids now, you know?

    I understand.

    And I want more of the color of homemade in my life and that means less time for the color of pixels. Working on that daily.

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  3. What a tender post! Have a super week and I also hope you will keep my little Will (10 mos) in your thoughts on Friday as he will be having his cleft palate repaired! Thanks.

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  4. I had a bittersweet moment today as well with my little one! Only now he's big and grown-up, and going to VBS all by himself!! :)

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  5. I have that same thought when I am not babywearing and instead using a stroller. Why do we beat ourselves up so much?

    I love this post...I really really do.

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  6. oh so much truth to it. Some days I wish away my simple life, and other times I can't get enough of it and never want it to change.

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  7. Sometimes part of me can't wait to look BACK on this crazy busy time of my life. But I cannot think that way. I have to LIVE it for the now, just like you said.

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  8. thinking and living the moment is so much better but yes it takes so much energy at times to just do that.

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  9. I love this post, and your writing!

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  10. ...sigh... I so get it and you put it so beautifully. The babywearing line... oh I feel that way even when I don't see anyone babywearing. I miss it. :(

    britt

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  11. sweet post. don't worry - with current carseat guidelines, she'll be in a booster until she's 12. ; )

    the fear of babywearing judgment that crops up as a topic here never ceases to amaze me...when did babywearing become so judgmental? I highly doubt anyone would think less of you for pushing a 2 year old in a stroller. Well, they shouldn't! Most moms use a combo of both at various times and for various reasons. I don't know...I guess I just never took "I'm pro babywearing" to mean that I have to be anti-stroller? You see someone in Target with a baby in a bucket seat, just tell yourself that it's their one break and they've been wearing that baby all day! I like babywearing but also liked the ability of having a baby fall asleep in the car, and then *stay* asleep if left in that bucket carseat thingie. Okay, I'm rambling now. Bye!

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  12. I love this. And I get this. We are on the fence about another. And the days I think we're done are weird.

    The days I think we're not are insane.

    Which is better?

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  13. I know those thoughts all too well. I looked at my 12 year old today straight in the eye, maybe I even had to look a little bit up. It was just yesterday that I was snuggling his little 7 pound body next to mine. Enjoy every stage, even the tough ones. :)

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  14. you have such a gift with words. thank you for sharing that gift.

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  15. So much love for you -- I feel like we're going through something intense together right now... hugs and all that good stuff.

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  16. I just want to give you a big hug right now Steph. xoxo

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  17. I've been thinking about you, keeping you tucked in my prayers. (All I have left is the car seat for my youngest, but he'll be there for a while yet...)

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  18. oh, the boys up in the crook of the shoulder. I've got one almost there, too. We went camping this weekend and I brought the mei tai and John said, why are you bringing that? we don't need that anymore.

    and I brought it anyway. it stayed in the car.

    also? this morning I returned four library books that I've renewed three times. I hadn't had the chance to read any of them.

    Love. Hug. Beautiful post. Your heart is so dear. Thank you for sharing it with us.

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  19. It sounds like you've got your hands and your heart and your mind full in so many ways. I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace =)

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  20. I used to feel judgmental and superior when I was wearing my baby and saw other moms pushing strollers. God, how much I've learned after a couple of years! Kate nailed it on the head - every mom needs a break. And the babywearing superiority trip is ridiculous. You are a beautiful writer and I really enjoy your blog, which I only recently discovered.

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  21. I had a pregnancy scare recently. And I realized, for the FIRST TIME EVER, that I really didn't want to be pregnant. That was a shocker for me. I have many feelings about it and am unsure what we are going to do, but it's interesting...

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  22. oh i so understand this. love your heart, love your words, love you! =)

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  23. We're overlappers as well. And, unfortunately, I'm at the needing their own cars point. You'd be surprised at how the same the different can be.

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  24. I wish I had more time to knit and read too. And my youngest is out of the stroller. And my middle is about to graduate out of the car seat. And it amazes me how those two facts sadden me so much because it's just another sign that they are growing up. And yet, at the same time, they aren't growing up fast enough for me some days. I'm so torn between wanting them to stay young and wanting them older - that some days it's hard for me to remember to enjoy where they are right at. this. moment.

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  25. Beautiful. I love your posts like this. Made me weepy! Hope your summer is lovely, lilting and magical, just like your pretty writing (and therefore, your mind).

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  26. How strange and wonderful and terrifying and new to be entering into a new season of parenthood like that! We're still in baby/toddler/preschool land - and I think we'll be here for awhile. ;)

    P.S. You are such a good writer.

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

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