I can get high on surprises. When something nice and unexpected happens you never had time to even anticipate it, or control its outcome or prepare for your reaction, it just automatically comes all neat and done and good. It makes you feel special.
My favorite part is that it leaves you vulnerable without the heartbreak.
When you are expecting something, there is always so much room for disappointment. There's just so much risk that it's not going to turn out as awesome as you hoped. Or turn out at all. And for some reason, for me, the let down takes me way down lower than what is probably normal.
This anxiousness also takes away from the current moment, always looking ahead at what's to come, good or bad. I have to remind myself of that constantly lately. Right now is a surprise waiting to happen, right now is life laying itself down in front of you but your eyes and thoughts are far beyond to a moment in time that might never be.
Our neighbors gave Ivy this big dollhouse and a million pieces to go with it, out of the blue, and she has been mesmerized. I hate how my kids will beg for something and whine for it and ohmygawd they'll finally get it and it means nothing, it's discarded, it's bagged up for donation, it turns me bitter. I love how Ivy never knew she wanted this, I love observing her appreciation of this gift.
If I could have many wishes, I'd shrink myself real small and I'd live here.
edited to add: PS I just found myself reading this post and wanted to share it here. Wow.