June 9, 2011

The first _______ of _______ tastes like _________.

The first sip of an iced latte tastes like vacations.

...

Here's the thing.

I wish I could write beyond that line. I have many angles I could take it but what I really want to write is how I am about to Google "is it depression if you know the reason why you're sad?"

: : : 

I am having a hard time. I can not write about it. I think everything is okay, and as usual everything is going to be okay. But I'm hanging on the line right now, I'm kind of letting everything else fall... elsewhere. I probably won't be able to answer your emails or comments for who knows how long, and that eats at my heart. But I am not deleting a one of them, and will get there, in time.

We all eventually arrive, if not on time, in time.


You tell me: The first  _______ of _______ tastes/smells/sounds/feels/looks like _________.

I just need to know.

51 comments:

  1. The first bite of birthday cake taste like joy. {baking an eggless version for my birthday boy tomorrow}

    {{{Hugs}}} to you. It will get better.

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  2. I know. I am wondering something so similar for myself and is it back because I took myself off meds 6 months ago or is it just because it still makes me sad and I still hurt. Probably both.

    Love you and praying for you.

    Jen

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  3. Oh and...

    The first breath of fresh air feels like heaven.

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  4. Oh precious Steph...I'm sorry girl. I'm hoping for many iced lattes and sweet things for you. I really am so grateful to know you...I'll be praying for ya.

    Oh, and the first sip of diet coke is like a big gulp of air.

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  5. The first step of healing looks like gentleness for yourself

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  6. The first warm breeze of summer feels like hope.

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  7. The first pregnancy of my life feels terrifying.

    Steph, I am thinking of you and wishing for blue skies and rainbows to appear for ya (cheesy, but hey). In times like these I (try to) remind myself that once gotten through the sweet times are sweeter.

    The first moment of hope smells like the air after it rains.

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  8. The first note of the song feels like home.

    Be well, sweet Stephanie.

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  9. The first breath of cool morning air feels refreshing.

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  10. The first smell of sunscreen feels like summer!!

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  11. The first lick of a nighttime ice cream cone tastes like freedom.

    Wish I could hug you. (We don't know eachother; would that be weird?)

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  12. The first bite of cold, crisp watermelon tastes like summer is finally here!

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  13. the first lick of an ice cream cone tastes/feels like my childhood.


    and i love you steph

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  14. The first minutes of bedtime feels like victory.
    Praying for you.

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  15. Oh steph, I'm sorry. It'll get better, whatever it is...it always does.

    The first minute of nap time tastes like escape ;)

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  16. The first sniff of a newborn baby smells like Heaven.

    The first kiss of true love feels like sparkles from fireworks.


    keeping you in my prayers!

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  17. I came off my meds two weeks ago. I'm scared.

    God, however has got me in his hands, and you too.

    Job 33:29-30

    This is the way God works.
    Over and over again
    He pulls our souls back from certain destruction
    so we'll see the light—and live in the light!

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  18. The first sip of wine tastes like renewal.
    The first bite of cucumber tastes like summer.
    (I love you.)

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  19. The first wiff of rain after a dry spell smells like rainbows :)

    Depression sucks big time. Having lived with and still inside of darkness I understand. I will not give false platitudes there will be good days though mixed in the bad. I can't take meds ever but am learning to find the real me inside.
    We are all much stronger than we think and somedays when I feel I must die because to go one step further is just not possible some how I end up going one step. So even though life hurts I will go just one more step. Just one
    Hugs

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  20. The first bite of chocolate feels like the third or fourth kiss.

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  21. The first bite of a hot dog tastes like baseball.
    The first whiff of wet wool reminds me of elementary school.
    And musty basements remind me of Grandma's house.

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  22. I hear you Steph...I've been struggling too and finally made an appointment to see my doctor about depression. I don't really want to take pills, but I also don't want to wake up 10 years from now and feel like I've missed out on these precious years with my kids by being moody all the time. Sometimes it feels like too much and most days I feel like a bottle of pop that's been shaken! I hope you are able to get some rest and find comfort with your family.

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  23. Sometimes dealing with the reasons that you think you are sad help you deal with the things that are really making you depressed.

    Whether it's just a crummy time, closing the chapter on a season of life, saying goodbye to a friend, or any other nasty yucky thing that we often have to face. It takes a lot of strength to handle them and I'm proud of you for recognizing and identifying your "thing."

    During my last pregnancy with my daughter I dealt with a horrible saddness, a black hole in my gut that ate at my from the inside. If not for a great doctor and a supportive husband I'm certain that neither she or I would be here today. I dealt with my "thing," and dealing with it has given me the courage to face those "other things" that I never thought I could overcome.

    I stand taller today because I made it through that... and it's still a work in progress. You are SO RIGHT, we all eventually arrive, if not on time, but on our own time. You'll get there.

    Praying for you sweetheart.

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  24. I don't have a good answer, but I wanted you to know that it's sometimes better to let things fall to preserve yourself.

    I had a really rough time when my son was born. Just completely overwhelmed with love with fear. Reading your blog gave me lots of hope for the fun times to come and it also let me know that things are not so perfect 100% of the time. You really helped me through my rough spot.

    I understand that you can't tell the whole world what's happening, but I do want you to know that I hold you in my heart and in my prayers.

    sarahkrykwalder@gmail.com

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  25. The first sound of your baby's cry feels like heaven.

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  26. The first second of closed eyes under cool sheets feels like freedom.

    Love you.

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  28. The first sniff of newborn baby smells like heaven.

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  29. Ok so I'm embarrassed that I didn't read through all the comments *first* and ended up with the same thing as Michelle G. :) But she's so right!

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  30. The first cup of orange dream machine tastes like happiness.

    The first sip of peppermint mocha tastes like christmas.

    The first blog post on my google reader of the day tastes like cotton candy. Makes me smile every time. =)

    Thank you for over a year of smiles!

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  31. The first morning after forgiving someone that has deeply hurt you to the core feels refreshing, lightening, and peaceful.

    I am working on that one right now (and no, it wasn't my husband but someone else equally close and dearly loved which means their words can and do hurt the most).

    Hugs my friend.

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  32. The first smell of snow feels like heaven.

    And in my own life, the answer to your question is: maybe. Maybe it's depression if you know why you are sad. Maybe it isn't.

    For me, when I start asking whether it is depression, it is. I may not realize that until months later when I finally accept that my symptoms are back and I need meds again, but when I look back, there were days and days and days of asking whether it was really depression. For some of my friends, this is not the case at all. My thoughts are with you!

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  33. if you are wondering if it is depression than i think it makes sense to find a nice therapist and sit down to have a chat about it. honest. i know i is a financial investment and sometimes it feels like too much to to think about, do, or pay for if it doesn't feel like a crisis. but, still. do it.
    you deserve all kinds of healing.

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  34. Oh Steph, I'm so sorry. If there's anything you are able/want to talk about please send me an email. I know exactly how you feel and I've been in that same place. After we left out "cult church" we realized how controlling and manipulative they had been in the past years of our lives. Then, we left and went to this little church of about 20 people and a few months later the parents ended up beating their daughter to death and another one almost died. They had just brought us dinner after we had Finley. So, I was dealing with all of the stuff, then had a new baby, and I didn't know if it was post-partum depression or what it was called. I did end up seeing a therapist and that really helped. I'm praying for you and am here for you!

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  35. There are some beautiful words posted in these comments. Much more useful than anything o could write. And I believe that this community of women that you have crested/brought together speak the truth. I hope that you can "feed the good thoughts" and deal with the bad ones. I've been reading for awhile now, lurking until today. Feel better. There is so much life to live!

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  36. The first unprompted "I love you" feels like your heart will burst. Wishing you peace from someone who understands.

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  37. The first day of October tastes like homemade pumpkin pie.

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  38. yes it can still be depression if you know the reason. A broken heart and soul is real. I'm sorry you are hurting.
    You inspire me to carry on as a mama and writer always...

    The first step of many feels empowering.

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  39. The first hour of the day feels like crap.

    The first time asking for help feels scary.

    The first moments of relief feel like breathing. Again.

    Hugs and peace.

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  40. The first day of summer vacation feels like a rebirth with no stress.

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  41. The first smell of a new doll reminds me of my childhood.

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  42. Yes, it is depression even if you know the reason why you are sad/anxious/whatever! I battled it for 5 years saying if I just meditated or changed this or that that I would heal myself. But it never happened. I was trapped inside this cramped and gloomy jail cell. I knew it wasn't me and I didn't want to feel this way, but it just didn't matter. Once I started medication, it has seriously made a night and day difference. I'm finally me again! It just makes me feel horrible to think that someone else is going through the same nightmare I did.

    Hugs and Happy Thoughts to you sweet Steph!

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  43. The first sip of my morning cup of coffee tastes like perfection.

    Hugs to you and prayers up for peace in your heart.

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  44. Lots of love, love <3

    I'm going through something over here too.. something I've yet to write about. It's just not the time yet.

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  45. The first kiss after an argument of stupid words feels like rain washing me clean.

    Cheesy but true.

    I am right.there.with.you.

    I pray your soul finds the joy in everything you come across today. :)

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  46. The first kiss after an argument of stupid words feels like rain washing me clean.

    Cheesy but true.

    I am right.there.with.you.

    I pray your soul finds the joy in everything you come across today. :)

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  47. The first kiss after an argument of stupid words feels like rain washing me clean.

    Cheesy but true.

    I am right.there.with.you.

    I pray your soul finds the joy in everything you come across today. :)

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  48. "is it depression if you know the reason why you're sad?" - yes. Absolutely. I pray that you can find the peace.

    I hear you too. Knowing the reason doesn't mean it's any less of a reason for depression. It's okay. It's true.

    I love you.

    Oh and The first rainstorm of Spring smells like heaven.

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  49. The first sip of whine tastes like being 25 and single. :)

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  50. wish i'd read this before we had lunch.

    the first note of a good sing-y song tastes like the ocean and the sky and yoga and gravity. that might sound like a stretch but i think you know what i mean.

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  51. Thinking of you, Steph. Often.

    I would play the fill-in-the-blank game, but it is after 12:30am...so I'd rather just send a virtual hug and leave it at that. :)

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

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