May 6, 2011

Leaving Las Vegas, for good.

hand bag
  
In the past week I stopped breastfeeding, for good. I left the kids the longest they've ever been away from both me and Jeff- for three whole nights! and four long days!- and I lived to tell about it. And so did they. I am directing/producing a one-night show that debuts tomorrow.

No wonder I am up at two in the morning with a body like jelly.

The only thing I know for sure is what I'm wearing for Listen To Your Mother. Nothing else is sticking right now and that's ok. This must be survival mode. Maybe we can all talk when it's over and this will all make so much more sense.

Paris, LV

A quick run-down of my thoughts on Vegas? I never gambled once, not even a slot machine! I just never got the itch. I kinda wish I'd played roulette one time, you know, with my good luck lately. The food was amazing. See also: we never ate at a single buffet. Cigarette smoke. Weird coughing guy in the room next to us. (Probably from all the cigarettes.) Hotels are like university campuses there. Go visit them all. Especially the Cosmopolitan. Especially if you like Mad Men. Especially if you like smoke-free. Real Paris is a gazillion times better than Las Vegas Paris but any Paris is better than no Paris. Short skirts. I did not conform, but  I did show my legs knee-down one day with no leggings. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!

style

With the close of nursing Ivy- a whole two years and eight months- I realize she has moved on much faster than I can catch up. She is Big Girl Now, and as I type I am having my first real cry about it. Just like that, anything baby about her is gone gone gone and all those photos? Memories? Don't feel like enough. This door closes on more than breastfeeding. It's babies. And I've heard a big slam. For good. And I can't stop crying.

36 comments:

  1. I'm sad for you too. You are such a good mom. I applaud your breast feeding dedication. I'm so glad you had fun in Vegas. I got married there at the top of the Stratosphere. (At sunset.)

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  2. Tomorrow, Steph. Tomorrow.

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  3. Stephanie you just make me laugh. I see a lot of myself when I read your posts. Just older and grayer lol :)

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  4. I can totally see why people keep having kids... it would make me sooo sad to not have a baby in the house... but I can see the sense too. Well done for breastfeeding so long :)

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  5. (((Hugs))) sweet girl...big, big ((Hugs))

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  6. My eleven month old just ended co-sleeping, and I am totally cut up about that fact. I can't imagine how I'll feel when she closes the door on breastfeeding. My heart goes out to you.

    Maybe no more babies, but grandbabies? One day? (that either made you feel a smidgen better, or hella worse. I'm hoping its the former.)

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  7. Oh, honey. I know. I get it. I get it so much. Wish I could give you a big hug in person. Love you, Steph.

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  8. :( I guess I won't truly shut the door on babies until I am no longer able to have them. I mean, we think we are done having kids, but we don't take any permanent measures and consider ourselves always open to the possibility. So it is kind of a weird place to be, as my baby turned one yesterday and I'm not sure if he is the last.

    I'm glad you had a good time. I find it funny that the hotel that reminds you of Mad Men had no smoke!

    Show us what you wear to your show! I'm sure the whole evening will be beautiful.

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  9. I packed up my newborn stuff for the very last time and there was quite a bit of ugly crying. See, look? I got teary just typing very.last.time. It seems so...so...final. And sometimes I'm ok with that. And sometimes I am not.

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  10. Hearing the door slam must be so hard. My door is closed, but unlocked, but may be closed forever. I don't know.
    Great post.

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  11. Oh, how we want them to grow up and then when they do it i t is heartbreaking. This motherhood thing is complicated. Praying for you through the transition.

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  12. It's one of those bittersweet Motherhood moments; I want them to grow and develop into happy healthy toddlers, adolescents, adults... but then again I sometimes wish they could just stay babes forever :)Also, AWESOME job BF'ing for 2 years and 8 months!!! Fantastic, mama.

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  13. Oh Steph, I don't know what to say but wanted to write something. Your kids will always be your "babies" but you have so many "big kid" memories to look forward to, too!

    Thanks for sharing your Vegas trip. I've never been either and kinda sorta want to go.

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  14. Good luck on the show. Reading about being done with babies makes me tingle....I just miscarried our 4th and it makes me worried that maybe we are done with babies. I didn't go through my third one thinking this was it. Lots of unknowns ahead. I totally understand the tears.

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  15. Oh, Steph. Cry it out girl. You're allowed. What a beautiful gift you've given to Ivy...and she's given to you.

    Hugs and Love.
    Bri

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  16. For some reason it's interesting to me that you've stopped breastfeeding at the same time your show opens. Moving on to different things, that's all. Different AMAZING things.

    But I know it's hard. This Motherhood thing just never stops touching and pulling on our hearts. Thank God.

    Love ya and hope the show goes AWESOMELY FANTASTIC!!

    Hear from ya on the flip side. :)

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  17. I so get it, I do.

    I'm not ready to not have the little babies in the house.

    xoxo.

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  18. As Ivy's babyness leaves you really begin to see the person she is. It is always an unfolding to discover who your children are and how did they get to be so great (after you survive the teen years).

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  19. I'm not to that point yet (with the door closed on babies) but even thinking about it as a *future* reality makes me sad. Can't imagine what it's like to actually be there. But wow, how AWESOME that you bf'd for 2 yrs 8 months! Way to go, momma!

    p.s. can't wait to hear about LTYM!

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  20. Oh sweet Stephanie. My last baby turns one tomorrow. Part of me is mourning. Part of me is excited for the future. (Corey and I are also going on a 3-night trip next week, first time away from the whole crew in years.)

    I get it.

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  21. a big slam. it's an END. Ends are hard. Peace to you, sweet lady.

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  22. You said really awesome and touching things here. But all I can think about is how this put the 'For Good' song from Wicked in my head and it won't go away and I have to blame you for that. :-)

    Also? You are going to rock this weekend1

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  23. Gretchen has been slowing down with her nursing... some days it's still a lot, some days only two or three times...
    I'm certainly not ready. I know that.

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  24. Oh huge hugs. I am having a tough time letting go of the newborn things this time around. I know inside Henry is our last, but a small part of me is wishing we could have *just one more* and I would keep on wishing it with every kid. Sigh.

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  25. Oh wow, I know what your feeling, I think. I'm not sure.

    My door is slowly, quietly, maybe going to close. It's not sure.

    The door to breastfeeding Gage shut about 3 weeks ago. The door to more babies, I think it's closing, but I can't be sure. It might already be shut and I don't even realize it yet.

    Can't wait to see you and the big production this weekend, oh wait, I mean TOMORROW!

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  26. What a bittersweet ending...I'm jealous it lasted so long for you - not bitterly so, just nostalgically so. I've cried for the same reason a few times myself.

    I'm so excited for you, and the Listen to Your Mother show!

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  27. It's a new season. It's ok to be sad about the one leaving, but realize the ways your kids need you in each season of their lives is different, yet they are all sweet in their own way.
    I miss having babies too. I'm pretty sure I'll ALWAYS miss that.

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  28. I like how Lisa put it, it is a new season. And one I am sure you will rock! We must continue to grow if we are to see what the future holds. But it is a bittersweet moment, I'm sure.

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  29. I don't know what it's like to leave Las Vegas, but someday, I know I'll leave, too. And I can imagine what it feels like but not totally. I offer a huge hug and a huge prayer of peace in the voyaging on to a new city, that I'm sure will be filled with differen but lovely beauty.

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  30. What Heather (EO) said struck me, "It's and END. Ends are hard." She is so right, ends are so hard sometimes, but they ALWAYS make room for BEGINNINGS. One door closes and another one opens...

    But there is absolutely nothing wrong with mourning the "baby days". I've been there, A LOT, latley! :)

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  31. i just looked at my boy-babe knowing that by summer's end, he won't be a baby anymore. i can't yet imagine weaning knowing that your family is complete. my heart goes out to you, steph. you have so much wonder to look forward to, as well, as this chapter ends.

    so excited for your LTYM show and that all went well:)

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  32. why do they leave us so quickly? *sigh*

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  33. I have tears in my eyes for you. :( I don't know when my time will come but I know it's soon. Avi's needing it for comfort and before bed but less and less throughout the day. It's good, and yet, I have those moments as well. Some nights I wake up and she somehow magically appeared in our bed and latched on for comfort. She starts the night in her big girl bed and ends up in ours almost every night. I don't remember when she gets in any more. Suddenly, she's just there.

    The nights I wake up and she is asleep full length on my stomach my heart wrenches when I think of the time soon to come when she won't fit there anymore.

    The baby that was will always be only left in memories....but the journey to come is so precious and special too!

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  34. I teared up a bit just reading this! Ugh, it's so hard. But more joys, bonding and lessons ahead...

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  35. Oh, my. I'm kind of tearing up just reading that. We still have at least one more baby on our minds and hearts...maybe more after that.

    Time will tell.

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

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