April 29, 2011

Liver spots

The street lamp glows. My hands on the wheel, and the shadow of the rain prints liver spots up and down my arms.

I have to run into the store, fifteen minutes until closing. At the stoplight I notice, and everything I am feeling all in one burst sprays over me: dread, excitement, anxiety. I'm not ready. Maybe I am. But then maybe feeling ready is actually trickery and this confidence is going to knock me off my feet and oh my gosh I am really doing this? My piece is the worst of the whole bunch. And I am the director. I am the director! So I get a pass. Right? But it works, it fits, I think it's meant to be? I think it doesn't even matter, because it's totally happening. Remember when I was little and I wanted to do this? Remember what I went to school for and didn't finish? Am I kind of feeling this really strange gratification of my own work? Are we allowing this now? Is this what having talent feels like? This is it.

But this is not just it. This is going to lead to more. This is already more than it.

I buy non-glare sheet protectors and envelopes and stamps. The store is closing.

Tonight is our official "dress rehearsal" and dare I say I feel ready? I feel so super lucky to be able to hear all the stories again before everyone else. What a privilege.

Thank you for all your encouragement along the way. I can't wait for you to see the show- whether you are in the audience because you got your tickets right here or because you'll get to see it online. I do hope my passion for it makes so much sense when it's all said and done. And even if it doesn't, I get it and it gets me and that means more than I could ever write or speak in any language.

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  1. Steph, I am so proud of and excited for you! I can't wait to see your show. We had our final rehearsal for the Madison LTYM last night, and I'm so excited for our show, too. Wish I could be there in the audience at Valpo!

  2. You are going to be amazing. Just remember deep breaths. And if you get nervous make yourself laugh by dancing funny or something. At least that's what I always did before shows because I have horrible stage fright.

  3. I am so proud of YOU! This is going to be such a special Mother's Day for me, watching and hearing this unfold and having MY daughter the Director living her dream. What a gift to me and all the other Mothers.

  4. Wish I could be there for all the brilliance, including yours Steph. But I will DEFINITELY watch on line! Hugs! You're awesome...

  5. I bet if we took an informal poll, all of your LTYM readers would say that their piece is the worst. It's so easy to find your own faults, while finding the merits of others. Just like saying thank you and leaving it at that when you receive a compliment, admit that what you wrote is good, that it speaks for motherhood, and that there are a lot, A LOT of us who can't wait to hear you read it.

  6. You are really DOING IT, Steph!! I am so proud of you--and so thrilled to be a part of it. And I think Erin's right. We all think we're the worst. LOL

  7. Your excitement is so palpable. During the last play I did I remember a similar frenzied-elated-confidence taken over me. And you know what? It went fabulously! Better than any rehearsal. I wish I could be there to see your show!!!

  8. I bought 2 tickets today! One for me and one for someone else. I haven't decided who to invite to come with me, but I know I'll find someone :)

  9. I don't live anywhere near you but I am excited to watch it online when it gets there. My mom used to make similar productions just because the idea popped into her head one day. Oh how she would stress and not sleep. For now, just breathe. You will need the energy to enjoy it. =)

  10. How exciting that you are putting this God given talent to use! I am sure it will be amazing and wonderful and awesome! Cannot wait to see it online!

    P.S. I am a blog lurker that never comments. Sorry about that :(

  11. You do have talent and the rain gives you spots and your piece will fit right in and be full of your talented spotedness. Wha? I dunno, I'm just telling you that it's all going to be so so so good.


  12. It's truly amazing to realize a dream. I live in PA so I can't get to the show but if I lived within (reasonable) driving distance, I'd totallly be there. Congratulations on this moment!


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