March 28, 2011

It feels like a Tuesday

handle with care

I was lost, and now I'm found. I couldn't get to my blog this morning and it was more than frustrating and phone calls and resolutions and here I am again. Maybe you didn't even notice. Well, good. Thankfully my personal chiropractor is on hand to work out the kinks and tension. I owe him like four Lego sets now.

It feels like a Tuesday. All day I kept thinking I forgot to put the garbage out. I feel like Monday drove a bit too fast and then slammed on the brakes, throwing its arm in front of me. The go-stop-go has me all edgy. We're almost through day one of spring break and everyone still has their limbs in tact. And scissors were involved.

Or maybe I'm all edgy because I'm riding the curb of the cliff a little too closely. Living on the edge is awesome

if you don't fall off.

But not living on the edge, planting your flag in the middle of the nowhere field, seems much farther from failure, doesn't it? 

Right now I am so far from that field. I think Listen To Your Mother stuff has got me nervous, just the fact that it's looking like it's going to go so well but one inch away is something falling through or falling apart. So pretty much all day I have to distract my mind from thinking about that possibility. Why do success and failure have to be such tight neighbors?

And, we just decided to search for a (new) church home and if you've been around here for awhile this might be a surprise (it kind of still is to me.) Edge > fingernails gripped and hanging on> big fall.

Admitting all that just sucks because on one hand I can look brave, with so many exciting things ahead. And on the other hand, I am failing. Because I'm admitting that I'm scared, because I'm confessing something I had believed in before just isn't working or has the potential to not work out. I was wrong. Or maybe I just didn't know. Isn't that a good enough answer?

21 comments:

  1. Life is like that. We think it's going so well, and then something gives. And that sucks! I hope you can find a new church home that really IS home.

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  2. You'll get through this, and realize how amazing the ride was :) All of it is for a reason...even the stop-go-stop craziness. I've been having a month of Tuesdays it seems. I'm coming out on the other side, and I've grown. I can smile about it and be thankful in it (not always FOR it.) Praying you find the other side soon too. ((hugs))

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  3. First off, you haven't failed just because you're admitting that you are human, which is to say someone with feelings rather than nerves of steel.

    Second, it's only a failure if you don't learn anything from the process.

    I like to think of it as failing forward (a term I did not coin, BTW). You're reaching for the brass ring, following your heart and stretching. if things don't work out as planned, you'll be better informed on your next try. You're still moving ahead.

    Who know? Maybe it will go off without a hitch?

    Hugs,

    Kim

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  4. I agree with Kim... it's not failing at all to admit that you're scared, OR to admit that something that you thought would work, even did work for a while, isn't working for you anymore and you're going to do something else. Isn't that SMART to know that something's not working and needs to be changed? Congratulations, you're human and you're growing and you're learning and you're adjusting your sails as necessary (and whether it's the winds or your course that's changed is immaterial). :)

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  5. Yes to the whole success/failure being tight neighbours.
    I hear that.
    That's hard/sad that you're off to find a different church family.
    We were at a different church this past weekend and it got me thinking a lot about what church is supposed to be (or rather, what the Sunday morning meeting is supposed to - the church is us. God's peeps.) and what it is supposed to feel like. It got me thinking a lot and wondering what our church family will be like after we move to Africa.

    Praying for LTYM and I know it's going to touch so many people and be wonderful and lovely and meaningful and the pride and thrill you are going to feel is going to be AWESOME.

    YOU are awesome. :)

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  6. Not failing. Living. What's that Samuel Beckett quote? "Try Again. Fail again. Fail better." Google it. It's worth it. xo

    Proud of you for following dreams and leaning into those sharp curves, riding the edge. You many find there's a soft landing at the bottom of that cliff.

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  7. Yes, more than good enough.

    I understand so well what you wrote here about success + failure. We're hanging on the edge of the cliff right now too. It's terrifying, but...good...too. I don't want to live "in the middle of the nowhere field."

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

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  8. Hang on! Before you know it, you will get that supermom strength to jump back into the exciting position of teetering off the edge, not just holding on by your fingertips...
    And know what? Sometimes failure IS success. Silly, I know.
    [hugs]

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  9. So much love and so many prayers. <3

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  10. Listen To Your Mother will be nothing but a success! I definitely know how that in-between, unsure, nervous place feels, though. I'm all too familiar with it.

    I'd love to know more about you guys looking for a new church. Since we left our old, yucky church a little over a year and a half ago we've visited half a dozen and have gone to three for over 6 months. Church is so hard. It's hard to commit, it's hard to find one you love, but (for me at least) I really want to do those things.

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  11. You are not failing, life throws curves but I am certain there is grace in all of it.

    Listen to Your Mother will be a beautiful success...wish I was closer to see it myself. I will be Marching for Babies that day but will sending prayers and successful vibes your way!

    Praying for your church search, He will place you where you belong and you will soon be able to look back and see why you traveled that road and stopped where you did along the way.


    Jen

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  12. it's brave to admit you're scared. being scared is NOT a fail.

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  13. You ARE brave. And you're NOT failing. Life is just challenging! And hard. And scary, too. Hugs to you.

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  14. Admitting you're scared is like the opposite of failing. It means you care deeply which means you are much more likely (I'd say CERTAIN but I don't want to jinx you!) to succeed in a big way.

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  15. My husband always says "It's not courage if you aren't scared."

    And courage is a pretty good thing to have.

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  16. How many different churches have you tried in the years you've been married? You might try listing them along with what you liked about them and what you didn't that made you want to find something different. Then try to figure out what you are searching for and list those attributes to help guide you. I have found that there is a "politics" in all organized religions that seems to make it difficult to feel very Christian. Usually there is a group who thinks everyone should believe only the way that particular group has decided is the Way and they try to control the church. Maybe you don't need a church. Maybe you can teach your faith to your family from what you already know.

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  17. Oh thank you for sharing this. It's nice to know these types of adventures and challenges aren't just experienced by me.

    The church home thing is sooo hard. Our home is going through a royal mess and in the middle of it our small group pretty much disintegrated. In our situation, we can't really find a new church home and really feel like this is it for now, but I did something rather revolutionary for me: I'm taking a sabbatical from church. Yep. I gave myself permission to skip church and just sit with Jesus in solitude until the anxiety in my heart lessens and the thought of going to church doesn't fill me with anxiety and grief. People around me don't exactly understand, but it's a relief to my own heart and that's what counts right now. And my husband understands, and he's still willing to go and take our little guy without me until I'm ready to come back. Community is so messy, you know? I know you know, and I hope you find a community that feels like home, even if it is messy.

    Living on the edge is exciting and scary and tiring all at once. Sometimes I wish I could just tie myself in to the cliff like a mountain climber does when he needs a rest. And then I'd like to put my life on pause if only for a nap. =) May you find a moment in time to get a chance to tie yourself in and take a rest, even if only for a bit.

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  18. I wish your way with words would flower and drop seeds because I'd totally plant them in my head and feed off them as I write this book.

    PS. Has the edgy subsided?

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  19. Life has kind of a pendulum pattern doesn't it? From where I sit you're not failing, just transforming and growing. With four kids I think it would be hard not to grow right along with them!

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  20. I'm so glad to see someone sharing their burdens like this - gives all of us readers a chance to bless you by praying. And that's awesome.

    Be blessed, and may the peace of God settle in your heart, even in the middle of everything.

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  21. the moving forward, in spite of the fear, that's the opposite of failing.

    lots of grace and peace to you--even in the tumult.

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