February 15, 2011

in the quiet

sitting

*update: he just passed a little bit ago- around 4:15pm.

I don't really have an update. We've been spending time at hospice. It's so nice and homey there. There's a play area for the kids, and the room Poppal's in is like a little living room. Ivy hopped down from my lap yesterday and asked if Poppal was done yet. I think she meant taking a nap... ?

Gray has been asking a lot of questions and it's starting to make sense to him. While we were on our way over there yesterday morning he asked what it meant to pass away. Tears rolled down his face and he said, "All of this just makes me so sad" [sniff sniff] "I just love Mommal and Poppal so much- (he looks out the window) Slugbug!- I don't want him to die."

Poppal & Ivy 
The last time we went to Cracker Barrel, Ivy kept dropping her bear on the floor and Poppal leaned over to pick it up, he had his hat off, and she kissed the top of his head. It was so sweet. 

I feel like all your comments and facebook messages and tweets have been you here visiting with me, coming to the room one by one. No one was a stranger to Poppal, so surely you were his friend. I really don't know how to say thank you enough, in my head I keep thinking up thank you cards, and so I will say it here and every time I get the chance. Thank you.

My Mommal, and my dear Mom and Aunt Diane, they are all really doing better about it all, this time has been so peaceful, it's hard to explain. The comfort is really upon us. I didn't want to leave him last night. It was just me and him, and I really wanted to stay with him all night. Selfishly I hoped he was still here when I go see him this morning, but I don't want him to suffer any longer. I'm not good at this letting go.

65 comments:

  1. No one is good at letting go, Steph. It's something we all deal with in one way or another. And it's ok to never let go. He will be in your heart always, with those wonderful memories.

    I lost my grandfather when I was 8 years old. I don't remember much. I remember the sadness. I remember that my older sister understood it more than I did. I also remember almost every moment he ever shared with me. And I think that's the best part worth remembering. You have that.

    xoxo

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  2. My sweet, dear daughter, I love you so much and I know how close you are to Poppal. You mean the world to me, seeing how caring and loving you are standing by his bed-side and being there for all of us. YOU are my rock. This post means so much to me. We have so many wonderful memories of OUR one of a kind Poppal/dad. Love you, Mom

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  3. So hard to let go but his heart will always be with you. Hugs to you and family, Steph.

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  4. I don't think anyone is good at letting go.... and I was thinking about this the other day.... the change that happens to kids when we realize that we aren't kids anymore....we're adults and our parents and grandparents are getting older. I don't like this stage, I think, I mean, I love life, but losing loved ones usually happens when we get older. I want to go back to being 14 and my grandparents being young and active and never even THINKING about them passing on. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.

    Your mom's comment was so sweet... brought tears to my eyes. Cling to memories. Praying for a miracle!

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  5. Christie's right. No one is good at letting go. But you're teaching your children how to accept it - and be there for a loved one - gracefully. May your week be easy and full of grace.

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  6. I am so sorry to hear about your Poppal...I just lost my sweet Grandpa in November so all that you're saying is very familiar. I am praying for you and your family, and especially your Poppal!

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  7. As you have done many many times before, your beautiful words have moved me to tears. It's not selfish to want to hold on because letting go is so hard. Just know that your Poppal will always be with you in your wonderful memories and even Ivy will remember him. My oldest was her age when my dad died and she has very few, but very vivid memories of him. I'm sending warm hugs and comforting love to you and your family. If there is any way that I can help, please email or call me and I'll be right there. Love and hugs to you all. XOXO

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  8. oh my heart, Steph. So much love.
    peace peace peace....

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  9. It's a tough tightrope to walk, that letting go. We never really want to, no matter what that might mean. But I feel certain that he can hear you all visiting and he knows how much he is loved. And many, many prayers are being said for him.

    Of course, Gray breaks my heart. I remember the realization that people I loved die when I was 7 and my grandpa was in the hospital. It's a hard milestone for a child, so I'm saying extra prayers for him.

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  10. Oh Steph. I know too well the mix of sadness and comfort that Hospice can bring. It is such a caring place filled with love and peace. Healing for so many involved. I'm sad that your poppal has to go thru this but I know he is proud of you for standing by his side whenever you can.

    Hugs to you friend, we are all holding you from afar.

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  11. you are an amazing mother, daughter and granddaughter.

    Your love shines off of you, without even saying a word. Your poppal is one lucky man to have you, as you are for having him.

    I am so very sorry for your family.

    I wish him peace and comfort in his final days and may it spill onto your family as well.

    love you (and mimi too)
    xoxo

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  12. as i was reading this i was thinking what an amazing gift this experience is for your kids. to see that passing away can be sort of ok and surrounded by love and peace and some sense of calm. that death isn't always something to be terrified of. i am not saying you have to love that it is happening or anything but you keep mentioning the "okness" of the experience and that is a blessing to everyone but especially i think to the kids.

    sorry, the words are coming out all jumbled but hopefully i am making some sense.

    i am deeply sorry for your loss. it is taking me back to losing my grandfather ali who i adored and still miss.

    lots of strength to you mama.
    robin

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  13. Praying for you and your family

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  14. Oh, I am so sorry.
    My prayers are with you all.

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  15. You're on my mind, all day. Love you guys.

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  16. I think it is supposed to be hard, the letting go. So, it's okay. Praying for you all to be overwhelmed with peace. My Grandpa is 80 and is as close to me as I think a grandparent can be. I've always thought of him as invincible. He has never seemed old, you know? But, now I'm starting to see some effects of aging and it breaks my heart to think of losing him. My kids have only experienced a tiny bit of death, nothing like this, but I think the conversations help us all to think about life in light of eternity. {small comfort, I know} So sorry for you all.

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  17. Letting go is never easy. Thinking and praying for you all.

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  18. there are no words that can make this part of life easier. i hope you find comfort in your happy memories and in knowing you and your family are being lifted up in thoughts and prayers.

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  19. My heart has been saddened to read about this sadness in your life and what a heartache this must be. I can feel the love you had for your Poppal and it just makes it hard to let go sometimes. We've never met, I just simply follow your blog because of what a wonderful person you are, and I just have been thinking about you when I get the chance in hopes that somehow along this journey you can feel peace.

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  20. Before Steve's dad died he had been lingering for days in the hospital. Deliverance and her cousin Jamie sat on each side of his bed one day and just kept telling him it's okay to go. we knew his fight to hang on would be only for our sakes and it would only lengthen his and everyone else's suffering. so we all started telling him it's okay to go now, we are fine and we would see him again.

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  21. My sympathy and prayers are with your family. Your Poppal sounds like a wonderful man. He reminds me of the hymn, "Well Done Good and Faithful Servant." May this time bring you and your family peace.

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  22. I truly believe that hospice experiences (for the most part) bring a certain kind of peace with them.

    I'm thankful to God that you, your mom and your aunt are feeling that kind of peace - it makes this time a bit easier on the soul, I think.

    Love to you and yours.

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  23. I am holding you and your family tight in my heart and prayers. Loss is so hard, so so hard.

    Love to all of you, especially your Poppal and Mommal.

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  24. I wish I could come just sit with you there with him. Maybe late at night. I think of all the times you just sat with me...

    God is so good at holding us all in His peace and comfort. I'm so glad you are feeling that - we will continue to pray you do.

    Love love love
    -A

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  25. Oh, Steph.

    Thinking of you and your dear family. Nobody is good at letting go. That's why it isn't up to us. Love is more powerful than death. I know you believe that with all your heart.

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  26. So much love -- you're blessed to have such wonderful family members <3 You're in my heart!

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  27. Beautiful, Steph. And Gray is such sweetness.

    Thank the Lord death isn't the end. I cling to that every day.

    Bri

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  28. Stephanie, I'm so sorry. I felt that same way about my grandparents. I never saw old- I saw wise and caring.

    I'm thinking of you.

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  29. You are loved. Praying for peace for you all.

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  30. Oh buckets of love to you, my heart just aches for you...

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  31. Just reading the last two post. I am so sorry for this difficult time you and your family are going through. I will pray for peace and comfort.

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  32. Praying for your family. We just lost my father in law so I know what you're going through.

    *hugs*

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  33. I'm so sorry, Steph. I'm thinking of you and your family and sending love and peace to you all.

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  35. Isadora1224@yahoo.comFebruary 15, 2011 6:16 PM

    I am so sorry!! My heart goes out to all of you!!

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  36. I'm so sorry Stephanie. I'm just heartbroken for you. I miss my Grandmother every day but I know this isn't the end and we will be reunited again and you will be too with your dear Poppal and thankfully there will be no goodbyes then. Praying for you and your family.

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  37. Stephanie~ My love and prayers are with you tonight. Saying goodbye is such a difficult thing, but reliving the memories is a precious exercise in keeping love alive. ((hugs)) from Texas.

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  38. I'm so sorry. My thoughts and prayers remain with you and your family.

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  39. I'm so sorry.Hold on tight to your memories. I still miss my grandma and grandpa, but the memories are always good for a happy cry. I'll keep your family in my thoughts.

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  40. I am so sorry. Hugs and lots of love to you and your family.

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  41. How blessed you are to have a man such as Poppal in your life. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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  42. I'm thinking of you tons right now. I pray for your peace and for the kids to have it as well. Hopefully you can find some in all of your wonderful memories with him. I'm so very sorry for your loss Steph. Wish I could hug you in person.

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  43. I'm sorry for your family's loss. I pray that the peace that has been present to your family remains as you go through these next days.

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  45. Oh, Steph. I haven't been on for a few days and just read about your Poppal. I am glad you and your family are finding peace. And don't worry about letting go. It takes time, especially when it is someone so very special.

    I pray that as you take your time, you enjoy the memories with happy smiles, healing tears, and warm snuggles from your loves. Hugs to you, friend!

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  46. Just saw these posts...haven't had much time to read the past couple of days...I am SO super sorry to hear about your Poppal...I lost my Granny about a year and half ago and it still hurts...I know WHERE they are...which is AMAZING AND AWESOME...but I also know they aren't here with us and that stinks...praying for you...and your crew.. crying with you.

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  47. I wanted to leave you a comment yesterday, but I just didn't know what to say. I am thinking of you. Now he is watching over you all, from above...

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  48. Wow, Stephanie. I am so sorry for your loss.

    I echo many of your thoughts. My grandfather passed away five years ago, also in hospice care for only a short time. The whole process seemed beautiful and peaceful, as odd as it seems. It felt similar to when a new baby was being born. Except I left the hospital feeling a little empty instead of full of life. But at peace all the same. Prayers for you and your family.

    jenny@mamanash.com

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  49. Hi Steph,

    So sorry for your loss and thinking about you and your family. It sounds like your Poppal led an extremely blessed life and cherished every moment with his loved ones.

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  50. i am so sad for you during this time. I know your feelings: when i lost my grandpa...i had such mixed emotions. It was his time but it was the.hardest.saddest.thing.ever.*hugshugshugs*

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  51. oh sweets, I am just reading this and I am so so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you and your family.

    (((Hugs)))))

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  52. oh sweets, I am just reading this and I am so so sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you and your family.

    (((Hugs)))))

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  53. Sorry to hear this. May you continue to know His peace that passes all understanding.

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  54. I am so very, very sorry for your loss, sweet friend. Prayers upon prayers to you.

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  55. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.

    I had a very close relationship with my grandparents too. I think it almost made losing them easier, maybe because I had such good/happy memories...I don't know...

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  56. it hits my heart so close, i don't know what to say. just let yourself grieve and take care of yourself and your mama and your mommal and your babies and all. praying for you steph. all my love.

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  57. Oh many hugs to you and your family; I am so sorry to hear he did pass, but then glad to hear that his suffering is over. I'm thinking of you guys and sending peaceful prayers your way. Much love to you all.

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  58. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm thankful though that you have been able to be comforted by so many and that there has been a peace amongst you and lovely memories to share.

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  59. Kisses my darling.

    And he will be waiting for you on the other side. Promise.

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  60. Oh Steph. I am so sorry. I lost my grandfather in September to Alzheimer's. even though he had been suffering for about 9 months with this horrible disease that made him unrecognizable, I still very selfishly want him back here on earth with me. I want him to be the way I remember him and I want him to tell me I'm beautiful and I'm a good mom - even when I think I'm not. Even though he would be miserable with that awful disease, I still want that.

    The next few days/weeks/months are really going to suck.. just being real. Don't worry about responding to all these comments and well-wishers; we know you need time with your family to mourn and to hold your husband and your kids and your parents close to you.

    Allow your kids to see you cry - they will ask questions, which is so good. Talk with them about heaven and the hope that we have. They might not talk about it much now, but they'll be keeping it in their minds to ask more questions later.

    You probably already know most of this, but I knew it when my grandfather passed away but couldn't think of any of it at that moment. Take what advice you need and discard the rest.

    The blogging world loves you and mourns with your loss. Take care of yourself and your precious family.

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  61. This post is so sweet and so sad. Everything is just magnified when you have smart/caring little ones. I'm with you. Praying.

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  62. I am so sorry for your loss. :-(

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  63. My heart goes out to Gray. Death is so hard for little ones...perhaps because they love so deeply, with such great intensity and without stipulation.

    stephanie@mtropolitanmama.net

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