February 24, 2011

The fabric of our life gets torn.

I took my uncle to the bus station, then went home to my grandmother and tried to be strong. Meaning, I collapsed into her arms, a weeping mess.

It's hard, that space that is there. As the days go by, it gets bigger. I didn't know it would be that way.

Why Dinner Will Never Be Ready.

Last night I prepared two different meals, for the bean eaters and the meat eaters with a pot on every burner and the water running and Gray lost Noah's brand new DS so without even realizing it I'm upstairs with my head under a bedskirt searching and underbreathcursing and then downstairs swatting Valentines off my hutch into a paper trash bag, remembering the water running down the cabinet, and the bag of chicken sits on the counter, cold pans on burners.

Ivy brings me my bible LOL and

drops it into the overflowing sink.

The phone rings and I accidentally squirt the counter with dish detergent (really?) in an attempt to clean SOMETHING.

I can do five things at once but I can't get one of them right.

Most days it's not like this, but get out of the groove even a smidge and it's all upset, needs mending.

I arrived to my knitting class the other night with confidence and a mostly-done project. I showed my teacher one area where I thought I might have made a slight mistake, meaning, she ripped out a ton of my work (a ton) and fixed my mistake and got me back on track. A bit behind, but I'm back where I need to be.


  1. oh honey ((hugs)) we all have days like this, some more than others.

    I have been thinking of you lots.

    much love.

  2. xoxo

    We have days like these and we look back and think, "Wow, i made it through it all".

    be easy on yourself.

  3. I wish I could give you a big hugs

  4. Lots of hugs from this mama... this line rings so true with me: "I can do five things at once but I can't get one of them right."

    I feel ya!

  5. I think almost every one of my days consist of that craziness of trying to be in a million places and your head is all over the place and you can't really focus on one thing. Because that's what moms do-- everything.

  6. I think you are a beautiful, genuine person. I learn from you. Hoping you have a day full of peace.

  7. You are so real, and such a blessing even when you are having ugly underbreathcursing moments. Hope today is better.

  8. I love how the knitting becomes a metaphor for life. Hope you are back on track now. I'm still trying to get there!

  9. It will get better with each passing day. Maybe Gray can make a habit out of putting the DS back in the storage container after he uses it and put it in one central location. I know, too easy.

  10. Oh, some days.... I hope you and your family have a better day today.

  11. Steph . . . bless your heart, Aunt Diane can relate tho! We all have 'breakdowns'! We're only human! I love you, Aunt Diane

  12. this is the hardest part. when the ripping apart is happening and you have to find the way to be loving to yourself and keep your daily life moving some how. a very very wise woman once told me to try to pay attention and ride the waves of grief. when it was rising up let it and then once that wave was done swelling i would have the down ward rush within which i could do tiny bits of healing and also some "getting life done."

    it seems like what ever you are knitting right now is something deeply special because despite what it really is - it is your prayer shawl. knit away mama...

    and think of all these people out here on the interwebs that are loving on you and holding you up when the waves are crashing.


  13. Whew, I'm tired from just reading this!!! Girl you sound just like me... I have so many days when I'm just out of it and missing the mark.

    I think you rock just for being able to knit. I've tried so many times and I just can't get it. I blame it on being left handed! Ha!!!

  14. These sorts of days are hard. But the sun is always right around the corner. Hope things become a bit brighter for you soon!

  15. Love the title of this. You're so good at titles.

    It's times like this when our "human-ness" really shows, huh? Thank goodness He has our back. Love ya!!

  16. These have been the hardest handful of months of my adult life, so I can relate to how you're feeling. I just want some Normal back again, you know? A week of normal, maybe? A blessed month? But nope! Not yet!

    And I keep telling myself, "You're growing! You'll be stronger for all of this! Imagine how easy Normal is going to feel when it comes back! God is making you stronger for the life ahead! How awesome is that?"

    I know you'll get all knitted back together, and your fabric will be stronger there in the place of the mending. (I have to believe that or I might be tempted to unravel completely...)

  17. I pictured all of this happening...except the you cursing under your breath part. ;)

    One day at a time, babe. You already know that.

    Don't forget to be strong for you first, everything else will follow in your footsteps.

  18. You are so not alone!!! I am right there with you some days. And when I am there I feel so lost I think I might never find myself again. But I do. And I remind myself of what my father always says, "this too shall pass."

  19. I've never posted a comment on your blog, but I read it often and this is one of my favorite posts that you have written. You always seem to have such a chill attitude towards life that I admire. It's good to hear that I'm not the only one who can't seem to get dinner on the table in a timely manner. :)

  20. i get you.

    [i know you probably knew that already.]

  21. It's really interesting how you get in my head on more days than you don't.


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