January 31, 2011

On the last day of January

I did more today than I probably have in the entire month it was kind of like when I hear hubby's car pull in the drive and I frantically straighten up and try to make it look like I did something all day what? oh I have never done that.

But this month was kinda eh for me. It wasn't bad, it wasn't not good, it was just there and kinda dangling over me, like, I'm going to take some really slow first steps into this new year.

I don't know if the Listen To Your Mother shock has set in yet, you know, the whole I just leaped out of an airplane type of thing catches me daily because there is no turning back now. I had no idea how awesome it would feel to see the auditions rolling in. And I have that feeling in my soul bones of welcome home, this is what you've always wanted. And it's true. I have essay scrawls on notebook paper from fourth grade when I wanted to have my own theatre someday, producing my own shows, and I did go to college for that very thing but never finished. And never thought I would.

Finally a ball is rolling, somewhere that relates to my little universe. I've been on pause so long I thought that was a normal pace.

So anyway today I prepared a meal for a friend and a double batch of minestrone for us and used up every pot and casserole dish and utensil in my kitchen so then I washed it all (by hand, still) and even put it away. And of course then decided it was a good time to make chocolate chip cookies. But in the middle of scooping out all the ingredients I realized I didn't have brown sugar and so I just put everything in a baggie and will try to finish tomorrow. Note to self: don't get the kids excited about cookies unless you're really going to make them. But look at these yummy oranges! Mmmm!

They are saying we are supposed to get a really big snowstorm our way, so everyone's on edge about that. We are stocked up here and I even cleared out the garage so I could park my car in there (I've put that off since summer ended.) So seriously. I get an A. Or truly just bring that F for my poor effort in the past six months up to a C-?

I'm going to just put this in here nonchalantly so skimmers will miss out! but I sometimes have to ask myself if I love my kids enough to give up blogging. Of course I love them enough to do so. But I need the reminder. And I am not saying I even have to make such a choice right now but I'm really praying that I can soon-ly no longer renew anymore ads and then let my words slow to a trickle and softly make my exit or whatever happens when you move on from blogging. I mean, that's just crazy talk for right now. But I want to get more balls rolling on the outside of this inside life. (And I'd be lying if reading this post didn't make me look over my shoulder and try to shrug away confirmation of some things I've been sweeping under the rug.)

Oh! I also even knit something for a friend this morning and then trekked to the post office with Ivy in her rubber boots and mailed it.

I've still got a whole night ahead of me that probably involves writing for work and folding laundry while I watch a movie. Then more knitting. That probably sounds so incredibly boring but I am sitting here feeling so grateful that I actually enjoy the things I do to serve my family and friends. And I still get to have dreams that could actually still turn into something. And I can screw up a lot of my days but make up for it now and again in one really good day. Yay. The end.

43 comments:

  1. It actually sounds like a perfect day: some organizing, lots of cooking meals full of love, some knitting for you and some for a friend...my version of heaven!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I saw what you did there.

    ;)

    Your life actually sounds like what I want someday. The fullness, the domesticity, the chaos, the dreams, the doing, the ups, the downs...

    all of it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Not going to lie, I'll be a sad mama the day you step away from the blog. Mostly because I wish we could actually be friends. Living close friends... doing groceries together friends. You know. (Welcome to creepy things I shouldn't be admitting on the internet?) Anyhow. I understand what you're saying.

    ps. let's have tea...

    ReplyDelete
  4. It is so evident that all you do is out of love for your family and friends...selfishly I hope you never stop blogging...but as a mother I know what you are feeling...

    Woohoo, for a productive day! Those were hard to come by when I was at home and even more so now that I work full time outside the home.

    You so get a A...even if you did nothing but love on your kids today:)

    Bless you Steph!
    Jen

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is the third post I've read today about letting it all go..ya know the whole blogging thing. And I ask myself if I could let it all go and I don't like the honest answer. But I think I need to begin making my way towards that too.

    And I think you should get an A! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I could let it go tomorrow, but I'd be sad. Miss the people. The relationships...but I've always had a hard time letting things go- good & bad.

    ReplyDelete
  7. That day you slowly do that will besad BUT if it's what truly makes you happy than we will probably all be able to be happy for you!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I don't have too many ads and none of them have stipulations of me HAVING to post, so I can't really understand 100%. But it's something for me to keep in mind for the future. I know that when I am EXPECTED and TOLD TO write that I suddenly don't enjoy it very much. That of course, makes me wonder about that whole "writing" dream most of us bloggers have.

    I can't imagine ever really giving up this instant connection though. I have too many connections that I enjoy. Perhaps when my kids are out of the house and I am looking for a constant and personal interaction...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Sounds like a wonderful day. Glad it was all yours and hope there are many more similar ones ahead.

    However, I'll be sad when my google reader doesn't show new posts from you. I don't know you well, but I love reading your words, your thoughts. I hope I can get to know you better too... whether that be through hanging out again sometime or through shared words.

    But I also know enough to say that if your days are more fulfilled by things other than blogging, then I wish you more and more of days like that. (Though I also hope you know that your love for your kids, your family is evident in every one of your posts.)

    ReplyDelete
  10. You just make me smile, steph. Love them well.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Glad to know I am not the only mama who does the "oh shoot, daddy's home" clean :)

    ReplyDelete
  12. That "life on pause" feeling? I hear you! It makes me frantically look for more performance opportunities.

    That "Daddy's home" clean? No clue what you're talking about there. Nope, not me.

    That "one day I'll stop blogging" idea? I've had that. But oh, it would make me so sad for EITHER of us to quit.

    Also, you totally get an A, all the way.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I honor the way you feel about blogging. I am a very new blogger but already feel that way and sometimes think about just stopping cold. However..I do not think many would notice...and that's why I may stop before I am ahead.

    I however, would miss you!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Haha!!! I took a week off a while back, to prove I wasn't addicted!!! to prove I could just be a mom, to prove a whole lot of things and I thought I needed a break... Well I tell you I took a lot longer than a week to get back into it... Much longer....Could have walked away quite easily. Once I got back into it I love it... but I know I can walk away!!! Good information to have up my sleeve!!! Can't wait for your pic of the fab four tomorrow!!! No pressure!!!! None at all!!! Absolutely no pressure!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I am so glad that such a dream is coming true for you. So fun to see you making it happen.

    I would really miss your blog posts if you do choose to leave, but I get why fully.

    I hope you get to finish the cookies today. Enjoy!

    ReplyDelete
  16. No skimmer here. Read the whole thing. I totally understand and last year I made the choice to step away to enjoy my family. My posting spotty, stats dropped, and comments disappeared, but I lived. I saw my kids smile, heard them laugh, held their hands, and just soaked them in. I've been slowly coming back to the bloggy world, but not as gung ho as I was because I had a taste of what was out there and I liked it. A lot. I hope you find your happy place and if that means bidding this place goodbye then so be it. There is much more to life than the blog! Trust me.

    PS. I will miss you and your posts though. You were one of my first reads and have been in my reader for the last 6 years. One day I will meet you and get my hug!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. my january has been the same, in fact i could say almost no good. but. feburary is here and usually it's the month i hate the most, but at last, i am going to embrace it.

    and i think it is so incredibly cool that you are following your dreams in theater. you know, it's inspiring to us all.

    lastly, i haven't even been blogging that long, but i question it almost every day. but then i remember in the end it is for me, so i keep going. but i totally get the 'when it ends' and start something new outside of this.

    okay, wow. long comment.

    happy february, friend.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I totally know what you're saying. But then again, I feel like I've found that lost piece of me when I began raising kids and being a housewife - this part is for me, this part is my own, the writer in me still gets to write, carving out that time to write, even if it is (mostly) about my children.

    Stay safe for the (yet another) snow storm. And don't forget the brown sugar to bake cookies! :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. I love your voice, your heart.

    I took down my ads and changed some looks and let my words remember what it was to flow without expectation and without constraint.

    It feels like home.

    Happy for dreams and happy for family and happy for words and phrases. Hoping you find your home spot.

    ReplyDelete
  20. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  21. You need one of those chairs that say "Producer" and a star on your dressing room.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I would miss you if you stopped blogging...but I have had the same thoughts. I enjoy blogging but sometimes I choose writing on it over spending time with the children..darn those priorities.

    I'm sure you'll make the best decision for them.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I felt (still feel?) very much in a rut in January. And the month before. Those bursts of energy and productivity are so good for the soul. I think I'm going to have one today before this storm. I might even shower this morning.

    I'm excited for you and your theatre production. I really am.

    Oh, and I wasn't skimming. Read every word. :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. just saying hi, here reading and not skimming.

    ReplyDelete
  25. If you are getting the storm we are currently having, there is not so much snow as there is record breaking cold. Today our high is 0 and we've already had that. Our low is to be somewhere around -16 to -18. Maybe it is just too cold to snow. Schools have been closed today for the whole area from south Denver and including Longmont. Brrrr.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Steph, I havent commented in awhile but I have been keeping up...So excited for you. I do have to say when I saw you on my blogroll I knew I had to read when I saw, "it was kind of like when I hear hubby's car pull in the drive and I frantically straighten up" I am SO EXCITED I am not the only that does this!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. You simply cannot stop writing. Even if it's less, like once a week, you can't just stop! I love reading your words every.single.day and I couldn't bear it if you just went away! Plus to not see pics of your adorable family? just can't do it!

    So, my very selfish reasons aside, it really seems that writing is a part of you and I just can't imagine you letting it all go forever. It seems that you need to write - for you. I've never gotten the feeling you write for anyone else (us OR the advertisers) but for you. So, if you can just give that up, albeit slowly, more power to you. But I would really really miss you! (ok, I guess I wasn't done with my selfish reason after all!)

    ReplyDelete
  28. I'm seeing a lot of people talking about not writing anymore. Everyone has to do what they feel is best for their family. It can be hard to balance sometimes for sure. I've been a lurking reader for a while now, but I wanted to let you know that i really enjoy your blog and wonderful pictures.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Running around when you hear the husband's car in the drive, I have no idea how you would do that...or try not to look like you have been running around to do stuff and not look breathless when he walks in. Nope, not at all.

    You will know when the time is here and I am confident that you will be able to do what is best for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  30. You TOTALLY get bonus points. It all evens out in the end. :D

    ReplyDelete
  31. You know, it is funny, but when I forgot to renew my domain and lost it I was SO upset about losing readers, losing ads from loss of traffic, all that stuff...

    But then, lately, I have actually ENJOYED blogging the few days a month I do it much more than I have had before I "took off and found readers and traffic and item reviewing".

    Now I do it when the kids are asleep, or not here, and I'm not missing as much-or I feel like I'm not-because I'm only blogging for me and on one else.

    It has been wonderful, to find that freedom and to realize just how ocd I was getting about updating, and writing, and coming up with topics and checking traffic, when really I just needed to be watching the kids play batman. :)

    ReplyDelete
  32. when it's a good thing for your family, a way to chronicle your life and allow your kids someday to look back on these years and know you and know themselves in a way they never could have without this record, well then blogging is a good thing.

    when it's just a chore, when it's getting in the way of the "doing", and you feel like you're *recording* your life more than actually living it, well then it's a bad thing.

    only you can tell where you are at any given point in time.

    ReplyDelete
  33. This post resonated with my heart. Deep down.

    Thanks for letting us journey with you through all of this.

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

    ReplyDelete
  34. P.S. I totally got excited when I saw the link and realized that Shannon had blogged again! (I've missed her).

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

    ReplyDelete
  35. Wow. I'm in awe at your productiveness. You so get an A++!!!! I have felt so blah lately, but it's time to move on!!! Thanks for re-inspiring me!

    ReplyDelete
  36. I am new to your blog audience, but it seems to me that you are such a natural storyteller and author, and that these struggles are completely normal for any author, at any point! Even if this was your last post ever, what you have written and contributed so far is a masterpiece :) I think you could walk away from this project at any point and, hope you know, that it is great. Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  37. so can relate to the last minute dash to get things done and the true joy of having a day to get things done and organized without the dash. =)

    so you can smile with me at this one but i am so thinking of trying to learn to knit. am i crazy? i just love the idea of making something cute and snuggly and warm ... especially now. =)

    ReplyDelete
  38. It will be a sad day for your friends and readers when you stop putting the virtual pen to paper, but I can completely understand where you are coming from.

    I often feel that if I could give up the passion I have (and therefore what I want to share on my blog) I could show my kids something more than I can give them now.... but I am not there yet. And I think you aren't either, even if you are creeping ever closer.

    ReplyDelete
  39. It must have been going around in January. I didn't do anything worthwhile at all either. Unless of course you count hours of watching netflix. Which don't count...at all.

    ReplyDelete
  40. I love to hear that you are following your dreams Steph, whatever they may be.... It makes me SO very happy for you. xo

    ReplyDelete
  41. "And I can screw up a lot of my days but make up for it now and again in one really good day."

    Yes, yes and yes. That pretty much sums up my life. Thanks for putting it into words. :)

    ReplyDelete
  42. Hey, Stephanie. . .I love reading your blog and I always check to read it, and I noticed you had been gone more than usual, and I thought, "duh! she's living her real life."
    I am so happy for you and your theatre project. I studied it too and also never finished and I am so glad for you. You can do it!
    Go, live, we will be here if you need to write and we all in blog land love ya to pieces!

    ReplyDelete
  43. What an exciting, changing time in your life... Thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete

Your comment is gonna totally make my day!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...