November 5, 2010

Yep, I said those things.

Some kids recognize the golden arches and yell McDonald's! I drive my kids past the square downtown and they yell "THE CUPCAKE PLACE!" and then Ivy said, "I yub the cupcake place."

To the cupcake place

This morning I felt myself almost go into another dimension. Want to keep it really real? Here's excerpts of an actual email I was exchanging with my friends:

It's like, I get up early and ALL THE KIDS get up, too. They know Mom is up! So I must get up too! And when I go to bed at night it's usually with one of them. WHEN DOES THIS SHIFT END AND OH HOW TEMPTED I WAS TO LEAVE OUT THAT F

This morning the kids did absolutely every annoying loud thing all in a span of fifteen minutes, like, NON STOP and I could see myself outside of myself, like about to snap. I am going out of town for two nights by myself in a couple weeks and the little guilt I had about leaving is ABSOLUTELY gone now. Like, zip. I need to get away or I am going to lose it. Oh man, I love my kids, but this is about me.

and then I tweeted:


I know I choose to parent this way, I know, I know. It's very attached. But that doesn't mean I won't have growing pains along the way, or am exempt from being dramatic about it. Sheesh, mothers that do things way different than me complain about their life, their choices, too.

Somewhat unrelated, the drive home yesterday:

A drive home
My mind goes there.

Somewhat related: I'm ordering Chinese for dinner.


  1. I'm a much more conventional parent, and I soooooooo get this, too.

  2. Get out of my head! I was just tweeting two nights ago about the woes of co-sleeping AND I'm also having chinese for dinner!

    Is that your place you go driving?

  3. ohhh, i wanna go to that cupcake place. count me in. and i'm really excited for you to get away! you are going to feel so refreshed afterwards, i love that feeling.

    and i love your honesty.

    p.s. thanks for the secret. ;)

  4. okay...i couldn't even get in on these e-mails this morning because of what i was doing, but i LOOK FORWARD to reading through them all after bedtime.
    it cracks me up that you put them here. i love it.

    ellie was disappointed today after i told her we were seeing gray & didn't. maybe they should have a cupcake date soon.

  5. I love you
    and the cupcakes were amazing, thank you... but not as much as your visit today. YOu made my day!

  6. Hugs my dear friend... I completely get this!


  7. I think I know where your coming from in this post, I do too, there are days that I feel like a rubber-ban so stretch that snapping would come very lose!!!

    I read a book call "Calm my anxious heart" By Nancy Dillow, I highly recommend it! It's all about how contentment is a thing that is not natural that it does not come naturally to us but that need to be learn

    It's change my perceptive on life, the way I view my life change of it, and now I'm changing the way I live and life around here is a much better place :-)

    Hug, we love you


  8. Oh what a lovely place to drive and get away. It would take me to magical places in my mind every time.


    I so get every part of this post.

  9. The sky kind of looks like that again now. Oh, and there are snow flurries coming down. And there was hail yesterday?!?
    As for parenting...we ALL complain now matter HOW we choose to parent. Because life can get overwhelming, and we need a break. I'm looking forward to my children having their OWN stateroom on the cruise. Not having to share a bathroom with 4 people is going to be so awesome!
    I'm really going to miss reading your blogs this week.

  10. I hate not having SOMETHING for myself. Anything. Anytime throughout the day where I can be selfish. I get soooo bitchy when I have to be "on" 24/7.

    Today I had 3 extra kids and the noise level was such that I literally had to stop myself from leaving the house. That might be frowned upon a bit, eh?

  11. Thanks for posting this. It is always nice to know someone else is having a hard time, in whatever their circumstances are. Reality is always welcome.

  12. I get it, and I love this post.
    I hate when people act like parents who opt for attachment parenting lose their right to vent or complain.
    Yes, because I breastfeed, co-sleep, and don't vaccinate, that means I can't vent when I lack sleep, my kid gets sick, or my chest hurts. Yeah right!!
    I appreciate this post because you allow yourself to vent. :)

  13. I was feeling this way today with just two kids. I didn't get anything done other than feeding my kids, reading books, breastfeeding, and I did give them a bath. But it's so demoralizing to work while being screeched at. Or knowing that as soon as I turn my back they are going to find a new way to hurt each other. On the days when I get stuff done I feel like I haven't spent enough time with the kids, and when I sit and read books and play all day I feel lazy for not getting stuff done. I don't know if I'll ever get the hang of it.

  14. I totally understand. Some days I want sympathy too but I am surrounded by people who have made different choices and who clearly don't want to hear about it.

    So I just don't say anything (mostly). But boy would it be great to laugh about those feet in the face moments with someone who didn't feel the need to ask when I'm planning to wean, or get Elizabeth into her own room etc etc etc

  15. thank you for being REAL!! i love your blog =)

  16. Must be something in the air tonight because I was thinking so many of the same things today. Mostly about how people thing just because I'm an attached mommy that I think my kids are "perfect" and well behaved etc, etc. And then I get flack (from some people) when my kiddos have a tantrum or whatever. That's not what AP is about. Kids will be kids no matter what, but the difference lies in how you treat them and how you lead them through this journey of growing up. Anyways. I love your tweet too, yes we make our bed, but it's so short lived and before we know it they will be heading out the door all grown up.

  17. And it doesn't matter how early you try to get up to have some time away from them (yes, away from them), they still sense mom is up and everyone has to get up. And I would like just a little more room to be able to roll over at night!

    Beautiful clouds, too. Looks like an angel when you turn your head one way... looks like a pac-man when you turn your head the other way! HA!

  18. Sometimes, all you can do is write an overly dramatic email to a friend instead of losing it all over your kitchen floor.

    And sometimes, you write an overly dramatic email AND lose it all over your kitchen floor.

    Also? I know of feet in faces. Oy.

  19. I love this post. I appreciate the rawness, the roar I can sense is building deep inside you. (((hugs)))

    Often when I'm speaking with someone (and it's usually someone I'm close to), and they ask how I am (and I really take the question seriously, as I would expect someone else to if I asked them the same!), and I begin spilling my guts and shoving the hair out of my eyes and my back curls with tension, I find myself jumping into the middle of my own rant and saying, I mean, I love my kids and I love what I do...

    Like I need to defend feeling stressed. I chose to home school. I chose to nurse my children exclusively till they were one. I. I, I, I...

    But then they.

    I still need a break sometimes. We all do.

    Thank you for putting words to my heart cries, and love to my actions, and firmament to my choices.

    Giving permission for my longings. I feel like I should send you a thank you note. :)

    Enjoy that time away. May He renew, restore, revive.

  20. I could have written this today as well. My saving grace is I got to leave tonight and GO TO WORK. At least my work has wine. I'M NOT KIDDING.

    I'm going out of town this week for a few nights by myself and I am so excited. I get to go to the bathroom without an audience and sleep in the middle of the bed!

  21. I could have written this years ago, when my four oldest were 9,7,4 and 1. I co slept with all of my kids, fully attachment parented all of them,(co slept, sling carrying, extended breastfeeding, etc) and it was both the best and worst thing I ever did. Best for them, no doubt. I wouldn't change anything that I did - even though I got almost no sleep.

    Hang in there. You are doing amazing work that will have large benefits in years to come.

  22. With you! I wanted to order Chinese last night too but the girls and I settled for "Mexican grilled cheese" :)

  23. I get it and I am no where NEAR as attached as you are. AND I get an hour to myself every a.m. b/c I get up at 5:30. And I still get it. Totally get it. This season of life IS short. It WILL be over. My mother promises me this. I'm already seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and I look back and really miss those little bodies so dependent on me. Now they are so eager to fly. Which is good. That's the goal. But sometimes I just miss the togetherness. :-)

  24. You're so right Steph! Yes, I choose to night nurse, for example (though its days are limited. I'm about at my breaking point.) But that doesn't mean I don't occasionally wake up cranky and complaining because I didn't get enough sleep. Making choices "outside the mainstream" doesn't mean you can't ever vent!

  25. I completely get this. Totally and completely!

  26. So very nicely put. And now I want Chinese for dinner.

  27. oh man, come february, I may just hit this cupcake place before I even get to my mom's. :)

  28. It is so nice to hear that other attached parents have bad days and are just tired of all of it sometimes too.

  29. No matter how you parent we all have days like this, because the only way parenting works is if you do it everyday. And everyday can be a smothering time period. Of course, you expressed it more beautifully than most. I hate that we feel shame for our feelings, you know? Cause expressing them makes everything better, right? Here's to storing up the days where being with the kids for 24 hours is nourishing instead of oppressive.

  30. Oh.My.Goodness. I so get this!! I crave some alone time every now and then. It makes me a better mom because I am then more patient and less irritable. It does not matter how you choose to parent, every mom goes through this. Thank you for your honesty!

  31. I think this post was written for me, even if you didn't know it. ;) xo

    Hard days, these.

  32. ugh, parenting is so hard. Currently, my house is a cave, and nobody can enter. Unless they want to get infected....

  33. When I read it the first time I didn't see the "F" and I was shocked!

    I think we ALL get this, no matter how we choose to parent, there's the moment of deep breaths, and sighing and feeling the need to scream into a pillow.

  34. this reminds me of my recent bf'ing post. i do really love bf'ing lucy, especially since i couldn't with emma. but there are definitely moments in time, especially after a 4-hour cluster feeding, where i want to hand her over to ken and say "here. YOU do it." and i realize how stupid that sounds, so i just sit there and pat her bottom, rub her head and kiss her fingers that are wrapped gently around my chin while she's getting the good stuff.

    but that raw feeling of "i need a doggone minute to myself" is still there as well as that feeling of "man, i want this baby to stay this small forever." they both exist at the same time.

    i really get this.

  35. I know exactly how you feel. I have a post just like this I am working on but then I do guilt about not writing rosy happy things and end up not posting it.

  36. I'll bet it's a deliciously stinky foot.

  37. Oh, I love that last bit. I do feel sometimes like I'm no allowed to complain about things like bed-sharing and babywearing at all because I've chosen them. How many times have I heard, "It's because you carried her all the time," in response to my complaint that she will not ride in the shopping cart.

  38. Thank you for this post. I have moments like that to and feel guilty. Most of the time I LOVE the way that we(I) have choosen to parent, but there are those moments. . .

  39. Oh man the cupcake place is WAY better than McDonald's. And now I want a couple (let's be honest, 2 cupcakes are better than one...)

    Anyway. My kids drove me BONKERS this weekend but then I did a post Sunday night that was somewhat inspired by you, btw, and while I wrote and posted pics of them at the same time, I felt a release and I prayed to God and thanked him for my crazy life.



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