I leave tomorrow for a dreamy getaway to Grand Rapids, Michigan. By myself. Well, with a small handful of other bloggers but still. In a room with a bed by myself.
I am so torn as I keep internally judging my decisions. Ivy is quite attached to me. Like, literally. She still nurses but will be just fine with me two nights away.
She doesn't prefer to be apart from me. But, I am really strongly feeling that I need to be apart from her and off on my own for just a couple nights.
Then I wonder if this is fair or if it's just plain selfish.
She loves spending time with Daddy and the fact that this is a weekend puts my mind at ease. Life will be as usual, just with me gone for most of the time. I keep telling the boys- just like when I stay out late with my friends or go shopping and run errands all day on a Saturday.
Kinda like that.
But I can't help but think what if... what if something bad happens and, how could anyone forgive me, a Mother, for going away for "alone" time to nice restaurants and a spa?
My children are my limbs my branches
What if she gets heart-sick for me? Like, what if she's inconsolable?
I will drive right home- it's not that far away- but then I think about it and I want to be selfish. I want to not think that this will even be an issue. I don't want to live life by what ifs. I don't want to make being a mother an obsessive heart-prison.
I don't want to always feel like it's all in my control or my hands because I know
I think these things and I am so torn.
I love her so much but I really want a break.
And so I feel these things and yet can't imagine being permanently separated from her. As I type she is sleeping here half on my lap, half on the couch. She is always touching me.
And I Love her touch but sometimes
all touched out.
So I want to go away for these two nights and hear that she did awesome. And I want to not even have to think about it- that it just happens and I have a great time and am re-charged! and we are re-united and both will be even better than before.