November 16, 2010

I can't wait for bedtime

in my arms


I can't wait for bedtime.


It could be morning time, and I'm readying the older boys for school and I think, if I just make it until bedtime.

I watch the clock, and I think, I can straighten up when they go to bed. I can finish the laundry and do the dishes and get my writing done. Maybe even do some knitting, at bedtime.

When the house is quiet, they are safe but not moving, they are still.


And then there I am, at bedtime, finally she's asleep and I find myself not wanting to slip away. I could rest my cheek on hers forever, should I just stay here... what do I have to do that is more important, it can wait, it can wait.


But I do, sometimes I do slither off the bed and pull a warm pillow to her side so she thinks I'm there, and I look upon my boys, and I kind of miss them.


All safe and still, I sneak down and have my tea and sweep floors and fold a towel until my eyes are much too heavy and

oh
motherhood,

I don't know if I will ever understand you.



33 comments:

  1. what a sweet post! :)
    I only have 1 a 2 year old. I love bedtime and all that I can get done while she's asleep. And yet when she goes to bed, I miss her so much! Everyone says I'm a sucker.. lol I"ll take it!

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  2. weird because all the thing you mention makes me appreciate motherhood. I love being here and serving my family even when I'm very tired, make that exhausted most of the time.

    But their is nothing sweeter then serving them with all my love and knowing that no one else can do a better job then me!

    Have a great day, and you are a excellent mama

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  3. Precious! It only takes an hour or two after my sweet girl goes to bed for me to start missing her. The stuff I have to do after she goes to bed always ends up being more than I could get done in several days and by then I'll be too tired to do most of it anyway. Oh well :) The cuddles are the important part.

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  4. Lately Lucy has been refusing to go to sleep in her crib and instead begs to "sleep with mommy!" while clutching my neck so tight. How can I resist that...even when I've been counting down to bedtime for hours so I can just be alone. Then I find myself falling asleep with her...it's hard to leave when she's so snuggly and quiet ;)

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  5. Oh my goodness, yes. Yes, yes, yes. I feel the same way. I think when I finally get McKinley to sleep, I can fold the clothes or do the dishes. But then she curls up into my neck and I can't justify putting her down just to have a folded towel. So we pull clothes out of the basket instead of the closet and we use dishes off of the counter instead of the cupboard because they get washed, but hardly ever put away.

    When she's 14 and doesn't want me to hold her...I'll fold towels then.

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  6. My 20 m old little boy never falls asleep unless he is in my arms and I am only lucky enough to clean quietly or do laundry if he is actually asleep for a nap. I have friends who their little ones go to bed at 7 p.m. I could never imagine! :-) I love the cuddling as much as I can get it now.

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  7. Gave me chills. :-)

    Well said Steph.

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  8. Me too. Exactly, word for word. I used to go around the house doing my chores with the monitor turned up very loud so I could hear his sweet breathing. Now that I'm pregnant again and exhausted, I just lie in bed with him, sometimes messing around with my iPhone, sometimes watching him sleep, sometimes sleeping myself.

    I finally gave up on the crib (he's 18 months old) and he sleeps in the guest room. I have to be there, at least while he's flopping around trying to sleep, until we remove the box spring so he doesn't fall off the bed. Coming to this decision has made me so happy and relieved. He likes bedtime, I like bedtime. Why didn't I do this 18 months ago? :(

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  9. There's this constant tug of war with my heart -- between motherhood and being a wife and being the other parts of me that make me me ... well, I sometimes feel like I'm so torn.
    I love the peace, the stillness bedtime brings for both them and me. It's like all of my worlds finally combine -- my children are safe and happy and warm, and I'm free to create and accomplish and connect with my hubby. It's beautiful time of day. It makes total sense.

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  10. I so feel you on this one. EVERY DAY. It's almost silly, really. :)

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  11. You have captured my sentiments exactly! Love it Steph.

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  12. Hold them and cuddle as long as you are able. They grow way too fast and you don't want to miss a thing.

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  13. Those moments...smelling their sweaty little hair as they pass into the deep sleep where they start sweating and the little rustle of the lips when they dream....they sit with me during the long day to come. But sometimes, it's so difficult to get to that point. The peace that comes when they are asleep. Now, if only I can keep from falling asleep with her, I'll actually be able to get things done at night!

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  14. Love, love, love this! I find myself looking forward to bedtime and feeling guilty for looking forward to bedtime at the same time. I miss my son (2 yo) almost instantly after he's asleep. Especially if it's been a rough day, I really want to go back into the bedroom and snuggle with him. Oh well, I guess housework can wait!

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  15. I am a night person and so I get my best "work" done after the kids are fast asleep. But the other night I fell asleep with the 3.5 year old and it felt so good and right. We were both tired.

    Your words, once again, touched me and remind me to enjoy those moments more...

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  16. I work (out of the home) at night. I hate that feeling of "leaving" even if they are all asleep...like you I wish I could lay there next to her.

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  17. I understand... I look forward to bedtime so I can have some peace and quiet, so I can finally watch MY TV shows, so I can organize, pick-up, clean up, etc... but then... as I lay there beside my boys... I don't want to move. And usually... I don't. Nothing I love more than sleeping beside my babies. :)

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  18. this is like a narration of my night, every night. it is beautifully written, and so poignant and perfect. i found myself imagining what bedtime is going to be like in 3 weeks...or less...or more. but soon enough, bedtime is going to be a whole new world, a beautiful and crazy world. i cannot wait to add ezra to the mix.

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  19. I'm right there with you. On all of it.

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  20. I know just how you feel. I asked my husband just the other day if I should feel guilty about looking forward to bedtime. He said, "no, you work hard during the day, it's natural to crave a break." But I miss him when he sleeps.

    Another example of the conflicting emotions of parenthood is the issue of sleeping through the night. The whole time I was breastfeeding, although I loved it, I thought about the night I would get to sleep the entire night. I just stopped Bf'ing a few weeks ago and he's sleeping more now. But just the other night, he woke up, I held him and he fell asleep on me. I got a little teary-eyed at how infrequent this time is now.

    I agree. Motherhood. So conflicting at times.

    Great post!

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  21. Well isn't that the truth!!!

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  22. A very inspiring post! Can't wait to have my own family!Cheers to all moms. My mom really means the world to me.

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  23. Mmmm, yes. Today was definitely an "if I can only make it to bedtime" kind of day.

    And I did. And I'm ok.

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  24. There is such a wistfulness when bedtime finally comes. Sleeping children are just so SWEET, it really makes up for all the slings and arrows of the day. And makes you forget them, too.

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  25. It truly is a mystery, isn't it? But that's what makes it so wonderful! I find myself staring at their little angelic sleeping faces, memorizing every little piece of it so I will keep it forever.

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  26. I babysit for a family of 3, and my favorite time is bedtime. Not that I like to get ride of them, but that I just loooovvveee rocking the two-year-old. That warm little body nestles into me, and I just keep rocking, despite the fact that her mom wants to cut out the rocking part of bedtime. And then I get into bed with 4 and 7 year old and they whisper questions and snuggle into arms. I love those moments.

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  27. i did the same thing to my baby, slip on the pillow so tt she'll think im there. motherhood sometimes makes you crazy!

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  28. I always plan so much for the time "after he goes to sleep" and I end up doing the same thing: my son falls asleep, but I lay near him, listening to his soft breathing, enjoying the warmth and quiet of his room, the smell of his blanket, letting all kind of thoughts drift randomly through my head. Lazy time, time of repose, time of nirvana.

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  29. Thank you for posting this....I SO relate.

    Like every single day.

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