October 28, 2010

thinking out loud


windblown tree face


We haven't turned the heat on yet. It's getting colder and colder here. The warm still tags along with the afternoon sun until the snow clouds settle in. That's how it starts, this flawinter.





I stood in my grandparents' kitchen and made them dinner, and bread. And I tried to think of ways I could take care of them. Move in with them? Move them into my house?

They have a window above their sink. I've always wanted a window above my sink.

We could sell all our things, and

I think about my things

and how my style is my style and my quirks and so what if I can't display "my style"

is it really that necessary?

All that we need is shelter, if that, for that we should be so thankful.

And would my life have less meaning if I had less things?

Would my life have room for more meaning if I

had

less

things?




I sucked big time as a mom tonight. Like, totally set myself up for a win by rocking it the whole day and then boom! crash! clang! owww! I totally failed. Maybe the fall was more dramatic because I'd come from such a high. Whatever. I know I'm not really a bad mom, but I also can recognize when I am. And I was in that moment. I hate it. I want a do over.

Now I'm going to go whisper sorries in my sleeping children's ears.




21 comments:

  1. i feel all covered in patience and warm fuzzies. thanks! ((now returning to my regularly scheduled snarkfest over at my crib)). ;)

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  2. I think of {dream of, wish for} life with less...and how it could be so full...really feel like more.

    We all have those moments we feel we have failed...we are covered in grace...from our children and from Him.

    Hugs Steph, big hugs!

    Jen

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  3. The house I grew up and my Daddy's house now both have sinks above the window and I love it. I love the peace of being able to see out side.

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  4. Honestly one of the things I regret about our current home is that there isn't a window above the sink. I never realized how much it makes it easier to do things like dishes. It just makes the kitchen more like a home. So it's on the checklist.

    And I totally feel you. I was rockin it yesterday. We went for espresso, and then later that night it was a crash and burn argument about nothing and I felt like, "wow, I suck at this whole marriage thing."

    But today is a new day, yes?

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  5. This is how families took care of each other before nursing homes. It was a normal way of life but nowadays parents tend to shield thier kids from this responsibility, one of the ways we became the ME generation. The memories of living through something like that is a positive influence during the rest of their lives. It's a huge example of putting love into action.
    It was in my life. My biggest memory was of how my mom sacrificed her time and helped us understand how important it was for us to help,too, in different ways (family team work). WE gave back the love my grandma always lavished on us. We admired mom for stepping up to the plate. It's not really that many years in a child's life to learn about what really matters. developing a burden for those in need, especially the family that loves you. And Medicare pays for home nurses as needed anyway. They were a big help when I took in my mother-in-law for a while.

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  6. I feel like a failure some days. I whisper sorries in their ears at night. I am glad to know I am not alone!

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  7. Been there!
    I'm so relating to this season you are in. Having four of my own and working things out about myself is a struggle at times and beautiful at others.

    Thanks for sharing. It's good to know I'm not alone!

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  8. First of all I love what you did with yor pictures! how did you edit then this way? Or is it a neat option on your camera???

    When we moves in this house we had to downsize a lot (cause this is a very very small house) but for some strange reason made me fell more free! Now 2 years later I see all those things we accumulated during this time and I have the urge to purge!!! I was to fell liberated again, less clutter in my house help me have less clutter in my head!

    I think helping you grand parent would be a blessing to your family :-)

    Sometime we have to loose our self to find our self!

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  9. {sometimes}

    I dream about what it would be like to get rid of everything we own and start over.

    {maybe}

    Move back home with nothing but a suitcase full of clothes and us.

    I think about it

    {often}

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  10. It is likely your kids will remember the high, not the low, thanks to grace. Now get some of that for yourself. :)

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  11. On Monday, I returned from a trip back home to Connecticut to visit my grandmother. Eight weeks ago, my grandpa, one of my best friends, passed away. After 60 years of marriage, grandma is now all alone. I stood in their kitchen, looking out the window over the kitchen sink (I've always loved having a window over the kitchen sink) thinking about how and if I could move back East to live with her and take care of her. Style I could give up in a second. To be surrounded with the scent of their home, the images of grandpa sitting in his easy chair, the warmth of their love that's in the walls, the floors, the very structure of the home--that kind of shelter would be enough for me to leave behind every possession I own. But I'm divorced with shared custody of my teen. Leave her now? How could I do that? I kissed grandma goodbye and promised to visit again as soon as I can.

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  12. {Big Hugs} Life is tough, sometimes.

    Whenever I apologize to my middle son he says, "I *still* forgive you." Kick. In. The. Gut. I hate days that end like that, but I know they are learning so much about grace as I fail time and time again.

    I totally understand the grandparents thing. Mine almost moved to our town then didn't. Now maybe again. All questions, no answers.

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  13. I sucked last night as a mom too. I think the important thing is to apologize and forgive yourself, then realize its a different day.

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  14. I have been asking myself the "stuff" question a lot here lately. I am trying desperately to get myself to let go of things. I'm trying to declutter. I am trying simplify. It is not easy, is it? Sometimes the thought of what we can do without, how easy it seems to push aside a bit of who we are are far easier to think about and even imagine than it is to do.
    I enjoyed your post. PS- I love having a window over my sink. Sadly, it is a rental and we will move on. Maybe when we get to grow roots again I will have a large window! Hopes!

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  15. I think we appreciate and enjoy our things when we have them, but if/when they were gone we wouldn't/don't miss them. But it's hard to make the conscious choice to let go, give up, refrain.

    And about the bad mom/want a do-over moments? It helps me feel better to be reminded I'm not the only one who has those (daily). I tell you this at least once a week, I swear, but your honesty helps people (me).

    xo e.

    p.s. psssst...gentle reminder about yarn quantity.

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  16. I feel the bad mom feeling more than I enjoy.

    I really strive to have less. Less stuff, less drama, right?

    Probably not, but whatever.

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  17. Almost 2yrs ago we bought a small house w/ my parents and built on a granny flat for them. They have disabilities & chronic health problems and needed something secure and longterm and affordable. There have been challenges b/c of sacrifices made on both our parts--we both live in spaces smaller than may be ideal (or typical). I have ideas of how to best utilize our small space--but lack the resources to make it happen! But...it feels great knowing we have been obedient to "honor thy parents" and my kids love being able to visit and my mom comes over when I have to do school pick up so the little ones can keep sleeping...and other little bonuses. I hope you can find peace in all :)

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  18. You are not alone. I do that whispering I'm so sorry, Momma loves you so much in my sleeping babies ears too. Breaks my heart to think of it, just the fact I have to. Sin seriously sucks.

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  19. You are a wonderful person w/ a love-filled heart. I really like you. :)

    P.S. You're right about things. I'm discovering more each day how little I "need" them.

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

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  20. I love this post Steph. I love that you love your grandparents so much and want to sacrifice for them. And this parenting thing doesn't come with instructions, so we learn each day how we can improve. At least you are whispering in their ears and not ignoring it. I love you, mom

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