July 21, 2010

I have stuff to say.

I was moving along quite nicely there and then all in a jumble I haven't been able to run as much because of the heat, the kids are at each other's throats (literally), and I found myself washing dishes last night scrubbing and resenting harder harder and trying to remember the last time I was physically alone, by myself.

It was in my car, last Thursday.


I go back and forth. I love having my kids home, and dread their return to school next month

but.....


I have hit that imaginary line during summer break where I can not wait for school to start. Bring it on! Then I feel guilty, for just a sec.

All day long it builds up, depending how we start our morning and I've been striking out every day so as it goes on it keeps adding more nails on the chalkboard until I usually snap while making dinner GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!

Then I take lots of deep breaths and we eat, they are finally quiet, and my cold heart starts warming up again. We play outside until time for bed and all is back to being kind of well. Then they have to get all pj'ed up which always leads to some chaos because Ivy will let you take her diaper off and then will want to run around naked and I have absolutely zero energy to chase her and Gray can't find a shirt to sleep in (happens everysinglenight.)

They'll get in bed. I'll try to get Ivy to sleep. And when earlier or another day I had felt like I would be sad when she weans, at this point I think how much longer can I really do this?!


I want my body back- I want some time to myself- I need to get away- I want to be able to hear my thoughts- I love my kids- I am a good Mom- GAWD this is hard


Something like that.

61 comments:

  1. I think every mom has those moments. I feel it when I can't wait for them to get to sleep & then they are all sleeping (I think FINALLY!). After a little while I then peek at them & want to wake them up to cuddle them. AHHH!!

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  2. Hold this day in your memory and in about 16 years, take it out and revisit it. After all in 16 years all your children will be out living their own lives just like you did and you will be alone. You will not remember that it was so hard and maybe you'll wish you had it back. Plus when your kids are teenagers you'll wonder where they are.

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  3. That was my day yesterday, actually it's been my week. The extremes I feel from one part of the day to another are exhausting. And every time I get alone for a second, someone meanders in. But I know when school starts in three weeks I'll be wishing they were here to interrupt me.

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  4. Yes, something like that.

    There's a need for alone time. But I want my children with me.
    There's a want for alone time. But I need my children with me.
    Wants and Needs.

    Motherhood seems to send me spinning in circles... Makes me dizzy, but leaves me laughing and full of happiness at the craziness of it all.

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  5. It is hard. And totally normal. I have those moments all the time and I only have one!

    Hang in there my friend. And talk to hubs. Carve out little bits of time for yourself. Try for even 15-20 minutes (maybe in the evening?) when you can go for a walk, sit with a cup of tea, etc... and just be with you.

    Hugs.

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  6. I had an identical day yesterday (and many, many days before). Right down to the "Get out of my kitchen!" I've definitely hit that mid-summer wall too, where it all seems a little too much. I hope you get some time to yourself soon!

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  7. We all days like those. As moms we still need to remember that we have to nurture and grow ourselves to be the best mothers and wifes we can be. It is easy to put ourselves last in the chaos of the day to day.

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  8. Something like that? Yes. We have 3 weeks and 6 days until school starts. What kind of a mom keeps a countdown going in her head? Me. I swing between regret and relief and feel guilt, guilt, guilt when I long for a solid routine and quiet(er) days. As if.

    I totally giggled at the thought of Gray being unable to find a shirt to sleep in. That's so Joel.

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  9. I completely relate! I home school my kids.. so there is no rest for the weary here ;)

    Suzie
    http://www.asktheebayqueen.com

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  10. I think if they stopped bickering we might have 10 more, so maybe we should thank them for being at each others' throats?

    :)

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  11. Thank you for your honesty.

    Really.

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  12. Ain't that the truth! I was just talking to my oldest the other day about the two kiddos bickering in the back seat! It's crazy and it's hectic, chaotic......It's good to vent! Your doing a fine job with those kiddos!

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  13. Totally hear you. This year was the first year I DIDNT want my kids to go back to school two days ago. Party due to the fact that their Summer is only 7 weeks long (year round school). But partly due to the fact that we really truly enjoyed each other's company this Summer. Not that there wasn't some "GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!" going on...but they're at the age where we can play games together, they get along (mostly), etc. And not too old yet to not want to hang with mom. I guess this will be a short lived season. ;)

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  14. Oh, gentle one. You, too? Me, too.

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  15. I'm glad I'm not alone. I always feel the same guilt you expressed, but then that guilt kinda lifts when I realize I'm still a person outside of being a Mom and I need time to myself, my dreams, my stuff. Or just simply to be alone and decompress.

    Nell

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  16. I know how you feel...
    I've loved having Mirielle with me at home, but sometimes I would just like a day for ME! :) Though I know that soon enough school will start, and I'll be back in work wishing I was home.

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  17. Oh friend. YES. I UNDERSTAND.

    We have seven weeks of summer vacation still, which makes me simultaneously smile and groan. I'm trying to take one day at a time. "What can I do today to make it a good day? How can I enjoy my children and not resent them?" But there are times it's SO HARD. Especially when you don't have much of a break. It's not necessarily horrible. But it makes the race tougher.

    Praying for you right now (praying for us both) that God will grant you a peaceful, joyful heart to enjoy the rest of the summer and not to feel guilt when you get tired.

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  18. We all have those moments!

    the girls are non-stop nursers, I too think will this go on forever? Ha! It's bittersweet.

    britt

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  19. Audrey is 2 years old now and I switch between the never wanting to wean her to the "I want my body back" you talk about.

    Getting alone time is SO important. You come back feeling fresh and ready to mom again.

    I hope all of our kids take long naps today and find quiet activities to do...so that we can just sit and read, or watch tv,or get online ( :

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  20. posts like this are the reason I love you so... your brutal honesty and lack of fear in sharing it.

    my girls are my whole life and I truly wouldn't change that. Ever. But I also totally get this post.

    Thank you!

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  21. Every mom has times like this. I can remember when my kids were small and there were days when I just wanted to run away. Not for long, just for a few quiet minutes to myself. It gets better, it really does. I promise.

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  22. Every mom has these days...er, weeks, if you're me. Don't be so hard on yourself & do something crazy like make plans to do something alone - that you enjoy. And, if all else fails - put the baby in a pack-n-play for 20 minutes and hide in the bathroom. You know...just to get away. Not like I've done that or anything. ::side eye:: lol.

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  23. You did such a great job at describing what so many of our days/nights are like too (our- as in all moms)... hope you find yourself alone for a moment soon...

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  24. Sometimes I have to beg Shane to please, please, PLEASE just take Tommy for two minutes, because he is so attached to me, so attached that I can't walk out of his line of vision (which you've seen play out before). And I love that he loves me so much, but it is a smothering kind of love some days. I know I'll miss the hell out of him in a month, so I feel guilty for even feeling this... but it's so hard some days.

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  25. Perhaps there's something in the air. You're the fourth person to have "stuff to say," not including myself..that would make five. I swear some days you just want to say "please, change your own diaper, make your own dinner, I'm out."

    And my kid won't be in school for at least another year and a half!

    Thanks for sharing...I feel like less of a failure now.

    <3

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  26. Tears. It's where I am right now. Except for nursing. I'm just trying to get my littlest to sleep in someone else's bed since my fourth baby is due soon. (He takes FOR.EV.ER to fall asleep). And he too runs naked at the last dipee change and gets upset when we have to put another one on his bum. My older two fight allthetime. Giving them chores has helped a little. I'm ready for school to start, but I will miss them here too. I can't remember the last time I was alone. Saying a little prayer for you.

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  27. Ditto Carolyn's comment...
    I would love to grant you a ME day and night. We will talk about it and set up something soon.

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  28. great post, I feel exactly the same way most of the time. It's all about finding the balance, that I have yet to find yet.

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  29. Yes. And then when they finally go to sleep you think "OMG what a beautiful child, I can't wait until she wakes up and I can see her smile."

    I only have two weeks left until I go back to work for fall semester, so I'm feeling very bittersweet about it.

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  30. Sometimes it's like you are inside my own head! :) Sending cool thoughts and hoping you get a break, but not too long of a break, soon. We are all good Mamas - sometimes with young children it's just so hard to see the forest for the trees, so to speak. There are a lot of (very cute!) branches waving around all the time and it can all be a little unnerving/distracting.

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  31. You're singin' my song sister!!

    There are some days when it just 'hits me' and I wish I could just be ME again for a little while. With no one to answer to or have to do things for. We are mothers yes, but we are also HUMAN. ;)

    XO

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  32. i totally understand.

    trust me.

    xo

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  33. You are doing so great in all that you do! You are always an inspiration, even when you are venting you do so with such grace. Hang in there...

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  34. I could have written this, so thank you for putting the words out there. It is nice to know I'm not the only one ... comforting to know we're human, we mothers :-)

    I've been nursing for the better part of a decade, two at a time for close to 3 years of that, and yes ... some nights ... some nights I am ready for my body to be mine for a little while. I imagine I'll miss this time terribly in the future (I know I will!) and I love this bond, this time, this fragile space ... but there are moments when ... well, you know the rest :-)

    best wishes!

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  35. I feel your pain, I could right a post like this right about now!!!

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  36. Amen!

    ps you are a great mom.

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  37. I needed to read this today. I have been feeling the same way. So thanks for letting me know there's another good mother out there that is going through the same thing! I know this will be over before I know it and they'll be off to college, but it doesn't really help me now!

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  38. I only have one year and a half old baby girl and feel like this sometimes. I think everyone does sometimes.

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  39. I think we all feel this way sometimes. Maybe often. Maybe every day, more than once.

    But then I see them all sleeping, and somehow I can't even remember what the problem was anymore. Parenthood is a roller coaster ride, I tell you.

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  40. Exactly how I feel very often. And as I know you do I remind myself this isn't forever and feel guilty. But from time to time I need a break. That's all there is to it.

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  41. You are not alone! Thank you for your honesty and candor...and for your humility. Sometimes all it takes is one smile, one funny statement, one "I love you mom." to make the tension/frustration/irritation dissipate. You are a fantastic mom (from what I see on your blog and how Stephanie at Metropolitan Mama raves about you)! Thanks for sharing a bit of your life with us!

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  42. I appreciate those who say these are the good days and all that, and we won't remember how hard it was...
    But I honestly think we will. My mom remembers how hard it was. Knowing it, owning it, and sharing about it helps SO much for those who feel like we shouldn't think this is hard because we have to enjoy every moment of it.
    Because it's ok to not, now and then.
    (holy run on sentences batman... sorry...)

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  43. how true is this? I am so thankful to be home for the summer with my little guy, but when he is in a full on whine mode I just wish my summers were how they used to be...quiet.

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  44. Yes. Something just like that.

    xo

    (I'm still on for picking a Chicago date late summer/early fall. For certain.)

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  45. i really appreciate this post. because as much as i try to be positive all the time and enjoy other people's positivity, sometimes it is good to hear that it is okay to feel not like super-duper all the time. thanks for the reminder that we are all in this together. you are such an awesome mom and i love hearing about all the great things you do and cherish with your kids. hope tomorrow brings lots of sunshine for you!

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  46. I feel like this so much. I love them, but sometimes I just want them to go away.

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  47. Oh how I feel this. Really.

    Motherhood is so bitterSWEET sometimes.

    ((HUGS))

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  48. I just just just posted thoughts on this very subject yesterday...

    http://undeservingyetoverblessed.blogspot.com

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  49. I love your blog. You write so poetically and honestly. I have found the blogs I gravitate towards most are those that can describe the tougher moments of motherhood without just sounding like complaining. Yours is one of those. Plus, you describe the high points with such beauty. Just thought on a rough day suck as the one you described that you could use a little compliment. Best to you and your family!

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  50. Have you been reading my mind again? Love love love your honesty. Always have.

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  51. woops! that was supposed to be "such as" not "suck as" !!!

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  52. I hit this same spot this morning. It is nice to hear that others are just like me.

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  53. For real. Love the honesty!

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  54. I don't know one mom out there who wouldn't be able to relate to this. While I love AP and nursing, there are times where I just want to be by myself, to not be holding a baby, nursing a baby or changing diapers. I also know that years from now, I'll long for these uncomplicated days. There are beautiful moments and then there are the frustrating moments, its just the ebb and flow of motherhood.

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  55. Oh, how I sympathize! I feel guilty for wishing it was time for school to start! :/

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  56. you have no idea how much i needed to read this post today. it's just been one of those days and i'm sooo glad to know i'm not alone. i love my life. i love my kids. i wouldn't change a thing ... but it's one of those days. thank you, thank you for being honest and real.

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  57. Oh honey, thanks again for posting how I feel.

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  58. You're right. Parenting is so hard. You put this into words so perfectly. I am in awe of your "magical" way with words.

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

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