June 22, 2010

M e t a

"...and all the stars were watching them. Stars are beautiful, but they may not take an active part in anything, they must look on forever. It is a punishment put on them for something they did so long ago that no star now knows what it was. So the older ones have become glassy-eyed and seldom speak (winking is the star language), but the little ones still wonder." - Peter Pan

I read a chapter or so from Peter Pan to the boys each night. I sit on Noah's bed and he and Gray fuss over who gets to comb my hair. They are gentle, and quiet, and they listen.

I'm surprised they don't ask questions like "what's a perambulator?" or "can you really lose your shadow?"

They just let me read, and they almost just al-most drift off to sleep when I find the right place on the page to stop.

It's hard to explain but- all these years as a mother I watch my babies grow and change right before my eyes, insides and outs, and I find it so very delightful!, but I ignored myself, and the changes taking place inside me, outside of me. Not meaning to, not to be a doormat or a saint,


I didn't even think much about it. Sleep deprivation will do that to a person.


  1. A beautiful post, Steph! xo

  2. lovely. we're changing too, but it's easy to forget about it because their changes are so much more interesting than ours. they make my heart beat.

  3. don't loose yourself, grab a hold and let her shine!

  4. while we often feel like stars as mothers... just looking onward at our kids as they grow, but you are always you. never forget that!! And God has made you a mom (and a daughter, sister, friend, etc) too.

  5. I think about how much I`ve change and on bad days I`m thinking that I loos myself but most of the time I think it`s a new me.

    I think I might have loss my old self and gained a better one, yes a very sleep deprived, overwhelm self but a loving wife and mother instead of a selfish all about me teenager.

    I still have fun but am responsible, go to bed way to late but always up early to feed the kids.

    Life is changing and a keep changing too!

    What a great post Steph!

  6. I love how you write. your word fit so perfectly together. thank you for sharing.

  7. Its funny how things catch up to you all of a sudden, isn't it? Like suddenly your small boys aren't toddlers anymore - they're these CHILDREN that say crazy things and are sweet and fun all at the same time. I know I've seen myself through that light recently as well.

  8. I think you just perfectly described motherhood. We give and give and give and almost always forget about ourselves. We all need to learn to be better to ourselves.

  9. This part of motherhood kills me sometimes. I look at my oldest and miss that snuggly sweet baby... sometimes I wonder if those early memories will fade.

    And then there's me... So different than 5 years ago... inside, outside... and part of me gets twitchy thinking about it.

    Time goes way too fast.

  10. Your lovely and lyrical posts are so moving, so meaningful. You manage to say so much with so few words.

    P.S. I love that you read aloud to your boys every night. They're going to have the BEST memories of that when they get older.


  11. i just was thinking about this the other day.
    how children has changed me.
    how i have found different priorities. different friends. embraced things and cut the garbage stuff out of my life!
    thanks for sharing!

  12. Me too.

    And it's good to be there, forgetting and good to be coming back too.

  13. Steph, I like where you've been going with things here lately (and in your comments to me, too). I see your mind clicking and ticking and I have been savoring these posts like this one.

    I think you have my number, if you feel like using it. Or maybe I'll get my butt to chicago for a coffee date one of these weekends....

    xo elizabeth

  14. so sweet! i love that they fight over combing your hair :) great photo btw!

  15. Lovely Steph.... and Peter Pan is such a lovely book to parallel both journies.

    PS- My oldest Kailey the other day asked me if it hurt when God stitched our shadows onto our heals when we were babies. My heart ached just a bit, I gave her a big hug and feel in love with childhood all over again.

  16. i think this happens in so many things, whenever we're focused outward, we rarely stop to glance inward.
    It's good though, to stop now and then and recognize that we grow too, we are also becoming, expanding, just as they are. :)


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