June 16, 2010

let me have my cake and eat it, too.

I am on the edge of crazy right now. Closer to it than normal. And so I am giving myself a time out and sitting down with a piece of chocolate. And a can of Coke.

It started out as a good day, but slowly, my skin started to not fit right and I felt the unraveling begin- maybe a pull at the string from the whining, the hitting, the fussing at each other. The un-gratefulness of the popsicle they just had when the ice cream truck drives by.

Another pull at my sanity string, from the bubbles- See? Fun! Play! Bubbles! Whee!!!- but then they spill (even out of a NO SPILL BOTTLE) and she rubs her eyes and now BUBBLES ARE BURNING MY BABY'S EYES.


And I send them all to their room. So I can have a time out. Knowing that means all four are in one small room,

but if I remember correctly,

the one thing that would bring my brother and I together, even after a day of constant fighting- was that look in Mom's eye, or hearing the snap,

of her mind


Now it's me

and I'm trying to hold it together.


The faucet in my kitchen is leaking.

The faucet in my kitchen is leaking.

Dripping- loudly- into a sink full of dishes

and it pulls

pulls

p u l l s

and continues my unraveling.


Please Lord, I need Carter, Gray, and Ivy to sleep at least one hour after Noah gets on the bus for summer school. I need some time to myself while they are ALL ASLEEP. Please, DEAR GOD.

I just want to get the playroom cleaned up without them un-doing it within 20 minutes. Just enough so I can freaking vacuum it.

I need to hear myself think.

I need

I need them to stop touching me.

I want to be able to do this and I do not want a break. I do not want someone to come take my children for the day. I do not want someone to clean my house.

I
want to do it all.


I'm going to hit publish, despite my better judgment, and once I do, it's going to feel all better. I promise.

104 comments:

  1. Its just one day - thank goodness. Get through it an tomorrow will be better!

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  2. Sitting here knowing how you feel. This too shall pass. Tomorrow is another day! best wishes!!!

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  3. Hang in there... I hate those days/moments. Tough to get through but you are one smart Mama to know when you need a break! Take it with no guilt.

    Hoping for naps for your littles today.... :)

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  4. I completely agree with everything you're saying. I'm having that kinda day too. Good luck & here's hoping for a LONG nap for the kiddos.

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  5. I know there are days that if I have to listen to the word, "mama!" one more time, I am going to snap! Today, I told my oldest that she needed to get out of my space and she told me that she didn't think I should boss her around to which I patiently and lovingly (yeah, right) told her that I was the mom and I TOTALLY got to boss her around.

    TOtally there with you! You are SO not alone! And now my baby is crying because he doesn't want to put himself to sleep and I sit her calmly (yeah, right) typing a comment on your blog!

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  6. ((HUGS)) Oh my goodness, I've read so, so many that are having off days today. Myself 100% included, BELIEVE me!! It's a hard transition to new summer schedules that doesn't help. I hope you feel better after your little break, and I was so just about ready to grab a can of Coke or Dr. Pepper to unwind myself too... :)

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  7. I think that most mothers are nodding their heads in shared pain right now - I certainly am.

    It goes by fast. But what sort of consolation is that? None at all.

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  8. I know what you mean. Absolutely okay for mommy to have a timeout for sanity! Sometimes the din is overwhelming, even with only two kids. Best to step away before you snap. Breathing room is important.

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  9. Oh, sister, I hear ya. I have 4 kiddos of my own (all boys 5 and under) and a husband who works out of town all week and some days I don't think I'll make it to bedtime. People offer to help but that just makes me feel incompetent. My advice is to take it one hour at a time. Forget the whole day. Just think about making it through the hour. Oh, and your kids? They love you to the moon and back even on your worst days. Sometimes I feel so incredibly unloveable and can't imagine why my kids would love me, but they do and they forgive all my snaps. Hugs and prayers to you. You're a great mama.

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  10. I know that feeling, oh do I know it. You are such great mom...give yourself some grace and enjoy the time out...you deserve the time.

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  11. I don't know if you feel better, but I know I do. Thank you for writing this, just like this.

    I. love. this. post.

    This is not your average momblogger whining about her cushy stay-at-home life post. This is a "waiting to exhale" resonating post. Your pacing, good grief, I just love this post.

    You aren't asking for answers. I like that. You are just releasing the valve.

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  12. Sending you cupcakes, chocolate and a mocha!

    Marcela

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  13. your post today and my post today could be very best friends that hold hands and share skittles.

    yesterday i was feeling teh crazy and called a friend. that 20 minutes of chatter while i played with the boy turned my day around.

    tomorrow is a brand new day.

    call me if you need me! ;)

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  14. Oh, I so can relate. I hope this little break you took, with the chocolate, and the coke, and the venting, and the child banishment ;) helped, and helped you center yourself....xoxo

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  15. THANK YOU!!!!

    I so wish I didnt have any idea what you're talking about, but, boy do i!

    One day when they are all grown, away and college and married we're going to long for this. right? (that's at least what I try to tell myself!) (I think it might help a little.. maybe..)


    I wish I could come be a bit of sanity right now. maybe watch your kids for a bit or do a load of dishes.

    Hang tight... You'll be able to breath soon.

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  16. I know, I get it. I have 3 kids myself. There's always something.

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  17. yep.
    makes me feel better too
    and human.

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  18. Yes! Oh, how I know those feelings of skin not fitting and just needing to not be touched. You write about it so beautifully and so painfully all at once that reading it was a visceral experience. I hope your day gets better - and stays that way.

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  19. Good for you for taking a break for yourself so you CAN have the sanity and energy to do it all! Too many of us push ourselves over the edge,then are too fried to do anything. Hang in there, lady!

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  20. This is terrific. Sadly, I do wish someone could take my kids everyday for part of the day.

    That is where I am in my life right now, and it is hard to reconcile.

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  21. I? am having the same day. I had it yesterday and the day before, now that I have all 4 kids home. And I don't want to be the mom that screams and yells and loses control. I want to have a nice, clean house that the kids don't destroy as I'm cleaning it and I want my kids to be nice to each other and a husband who GETS it.
    So I'm saying I so get it. And I hope tomorrow is better.

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  22. I love what Megan said...

    "releasing the valve..."

    Yes. Is it weird I feel like this post is a breakthrough for you? I am proud of you. I know what it took to hit publish, and you knowing yourself and *owning* yourself...just awesome.

    Praying for you that the calm has come down from Above and settled upon your sweet heart by now...

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  23. This may sound weird, but i am grateful for posts like this to remind me that what I want SO badly right now(a baby) does not mean perfection everyday. It won't fix anything, and I'll still have bad days. It will be wonderful, but not easy. I'm trying to be content NOW.

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  24. Yes. Me too.

    I love you, friend.

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  25. Thank you for writing this. I have just one little boy that is four months old and I have been on brink for the last week. And what's bad is my boy can't fend for himself. Sigh. Hoping this faze passes soon.

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  26. I have been there. So so been there. Thanks for this honest post, we moms need to share honestly with each other and the world that sometimes, some days, it's just this hard, and we don't love our children any less for it, it's just the way it is.

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  27. I been in this place longer than i would like to admit. and while i'm not glad you're going through it, i find comfort that i'm not alone.

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  28. Funny. I just sent my boys to their room for too much rough housing and not listening to me. Okay, maybe not so "funny." ;)

    I hope you ARE feeling better right now, as I type this. This Mother gig is just hard sometimes. Full of LOTS of joy but also just plain hard.

    Here's a big mother-to-mother hug my friend!!

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  29. At this very second, as I sit here typing this, I have a toddler quite literally trying to climb up my leg to get at my apple. I just wanted to eat a friggin apple!

    I so feel you right now.

    Hang in there <3

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  30. Are you sure you aren't living inside my head? ;) I'm with you. Really really with you...

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  31. Ahhhh, thanks for making me feel a bit more "normal"

    Thankful that His mercies are new every morning...

    Praying that you get quiet time and your children nap.

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  32. Sometimes it's so easy to glamorize another blogger's life. Especially one you don't know in real life. It's nice to know that you are human...just like the rest of us (so don't be surprised when this post gets a record-breaking number of comments - people identify with vulnerability).
    Thank you for being vulnerable. You are a beautiful person even in those "snapping" moments.

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  33. This is my day, too. You know when you feel like you're the only one? Thanks for making me not feel that.

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  34. I firmly believe we must all have these days so that we are absolutely sure we cannot do this on our own. Enjoy your moment. Eat the chocolate, drink the coke, pray and know you are surrounded with a sea of support that completely understands and would have the kids over for the afternoon if you were just a bit closer.

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  35. I heart this post. I had this thought as I lay in bed feeling guilty with a 102 degree fever this morning, that we are family! I never ask for help (even from God sometimes.) But this week, I think He's showing me how much I need to. And (probably) for the first time, I did ask for help. I'm still sick and I still have 3 kids I need to care for, but the prayers from all my friends helped so much.
    I'm agreeing with you in prayer that you will get the renewal and rest you need--even if it's all you need-God hears your prayers.
    Bless you!

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  36. perfect. absolutely perfect. I'm sending this to my husband to read because it explains so well what I couldn't.
    Michelle
    www.everydaycelebrating.com

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  37. Yes.

    I hope you got your hour. Or two.

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  38. Always, always.post when in doubt. This post could be about me, easily. And man, the part that resonated the most? Wanting to ne the one to do it all. The desire to be everything to everyone. I struggle with that every day.

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  39. I had a 3 musketeers and a can of coke today too, for pretty much the same reasons. I babysit on Wednesdays along with watching my 20 month old, and my strings are always pulled really thin. I'm tired. I'm 24 weeks pregnant and hot. Fortunately, I'm renewed when Audrey smiles at me or says something sweet. But sometimes, we all just need a small break for ourselves. I'm glad you took one.

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  40. I love that you did hit publish. I can't tell you how many days I've had like this when I don't think I could have even put into words how I was feeling. I just wanted to scream in frustration.

    You already know this, but tomorrow will be a new day. And they won't remember that Mommy had "that look" in her eye. :-)

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  41. Oh Steph... I'm SO glad you hit publish, I've been at that point ALL WEEK, so honestly... I like to hear that someone else is there too.
    It's that quiet time thing. I haven't had it all week. Paige isn't napping well, Fynn's not napping at all... and it's ugly.
    Here's to a better tomorrow :)

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  42. YES. With the vacation and no breaks and the way Tommy has to have his hands in my mouth ALL THE TIME, it's so crushing. I hear you and love you...and winery when I get back?!

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  43. Obviously your words resonate with a lot of us :) It's times like this I put in a video (we're pretty restrictive with TV time). Lately even that doesn't work - he watches 10 minutes and comes in to connect. I don't know what I'll do if I lose that last guaranteed down time!
    I hope your day got better!!
    Dionna @ Code Name: Mama

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  44. You are amazing! Remember that when the fray gets to be too much! xoxo

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  45. i absolutely, completely relate. Especially the 'I don't want someone to come help me... I want to be able to do it, but I can't' sigh... and only one of my 5 naps. and I'm the one teaching the other 4 summer school... and sometimes I just want to run away, but at the same time I am so incredibly grateful for this. all of it.

    hang in there... one day at a time, right?

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  46. This is perfect. Sometimes we just need to say it without everyone jumping in offering a solution, advice, an offer of help.

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  47. I have days like that all. the time. but the day after those days is sometimes better and sometimes wonderful, I hope it is for you! Enjoy that coke and that chocolate and (hopefully) those naps.

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  48. You outlined one of my fears of being a mother perfectly. I'm scared!

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  49. delightfully honest. We've all so very much been there. For sure. And pushing publish does often make it feel magically better. I agree.

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  50. It feels like I could have written this. Only, it wouldn't have been as good. Hope everything feels better now. :)

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  51. OMG I can so relate! Our last 2 weeks have been crazy, hectic, and insanely busy. I haven't hit my stride this summer, yet. I'm hanging on to that "yet." I feel so much like you describe. I hope we each find a moment of peace.

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  52. You AMAZE me! You are so fabulous even in your hardest moments. I am in awe.

    HUGS

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  53. Do not, repeat do not ever say you need a break! I did and I got a "break" as in broken leg. You can say you need a vacation or time alone or be very specific but make it something good. Also the best Bible verse is "And it came to pass." So these moments will pass.

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  54. Hang in there mama!!! Like bad gas and kidney stones...this too shall pass. :)

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  55. favorite post ever? maybe!

    love you!

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  56. hugs sweetie, praying that thing will settle down for you and that your day gets better soon!

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  57. i am proud of you for publishing your true feeling. Motherhood hard and your honesty is appreciated.


    xoxo i hope tomorrow is better

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  58. Oh, how awesome to read this today! I only have one (who has some special needs) and today was not a good day for us either. I hope tomorrow is better for both of us!

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  59. Oh mama, I love your honesty! There are so many days like that for me too. I have to say summer is a blessing and a curse- we are all out of schedule and it makes things hard. I love you- xoxoxo

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  60. i hope it got better after "publish"

    i had one of those days yesterday... thankfully today was marginally better.

    ((hugs))

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  61. I rarely comment here anymore but I do still read. This post spoke to my very core and brought tears to my ears with it's pure rawness and this, THIS, made me love you even more.

    This, too, shall pass.

    Hugs.

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  62. Amen, sister. I had that kind of day, too... Tomorrow is a new (crazy :) ) day!

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  63. Feeling better yet?

    There isn't a woman among us who doesn't understand. Hope it passes quickly, Steph.

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  64. oh, i love, love this. i really do!

    and i love how you call it the unravelling...so, so true.
    better day tomorrow...hugs!

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  65. Thank you for being SO real!! Us moms have all been there and done that more times that we want to count. Somedays just plain suck! But thankfully the good days outweigh the bad and God's mercies are new every morning. I hope your time out with your chocolate helped you get through the rest of day.

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  66. The pulling.

    and pulling.

    and pulling.

    I feel it too, and I love you for sharing YOU.

    Bri

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  67. This was my day today too. Well, minus 2 kids and plus packing to move in 6 days, but basically the same unraveling. *deep breath* Tomorrow's another day for us all.

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  68. OMG it's like you wrote the words in my head...I had one of those days too. Add in a lost object up the 4 year olds nose, a trip to the doctor after hours and a husband that is working out of state for way too many weeks to even count...but I did have cake! Thank goodness for birthdays!

    before i could publish this the 4 year old got out of bed and woke the baby by shinning a flashlight in his face and its after 10pm...lord help me:)

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  69. Thanks for writing this. It made me feel normal.

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  70. I only have three kids and I could have written this yesterday. I know that feeling all too well. I need a break and yet I do not want it at all. I simply want to be better at my life. I have no idea how to do that but that is what I want.

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  71. Today is my first day home for summer break (I'm a teacher) and instead of basking in the glow of my precious babies...I was melting down around them as they screamed at each other! Thank the dear Lord they both took a 3 hour nap (that I feel just a tiny bit guilty about) It happens to the best of us. :) Tomorrow is a whole new day!

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  72. I am so in one of those times. I pray that it will be only one day and not multiples!

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  73. Praying for you right now, the the Lord of peace would bless you with some and that He would give you the patience, endurance, strength, energy, joy and will power to be the Mama He has called you to be.

    I know all too well the snapping point myself!

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  74. Um, where you at my house today, because this is all sounding very similar. deep breaths and big hugs

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  75. beautiful. really. i had this day on monday and it was all i could do not to tell my son that i was irritated with him and i wanted him to go away. but the thing is? when my husband asks if he can fold the laundry, i tell him no. i don't like the way he folds.

    sigh.

    thank you for sharing. you have your moment, and i hope you feel better.

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  76. We (moms) have been "there" regularly. It helps me to tell myself that He has given me this responsibility and the hard times will pass. As we (moms) know, there are many, many more good times than difficult ones. Relax and have another piece of chocolate. You are doing a GREAT job!
    ~Susan~

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  77. Yes. It'll feel better after. And I actually envy you for having four kids when I'm still starting out with one (because I want five but my sister vetoed an odd number so I compromised with four).

    Hugs.

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  78. You are so real. This is so honest.

    So very true.

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  79. Thank goodness you blog about the realities of mamahood. I love it.

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  80. We have all been there...well at least I have been there. You put it into words EXACTLY!!

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  81. Hug! I had a major meltdown yesterday afternoon myself and it was NOT pretty. But there is something about a day like that which sort of consecrates the next day for me -- makes it almost holy in its newness and promise. I hope you wake up this morning feeling fresh, new and full-hearted. :)

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  82. We have all been there, Stephanie. Just not many of us are brave enough to put it as eloquently as you do.

    I hope today is a better day for you. I'll be thinking of you as I sneak away to the bathroom to check twitter... : )

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  83. This sounds like it could have been a day taken out of my life!

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  84. I have days like this. Only, how sad is it that I have them, and I only have one child and you have four.

    (((HUGS))) to you. Tomorrow is a new day - a clean slate.

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  85. So glad you hit 'publish,'...I appreciate your honesty and am encouraged by it. Hope you thoroughly enjoyed that chocolate and Coke! :)

    -Abby

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  86. I am so sorry you had such a rough day. Can I tell you something, I had one yesterday as well. Hoping today is much better and that leak gets fixed!!!

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  87. This may be one of my favorite things you've written. That feeling of wanting to be the one to do what needs to be done, not wanting to ask for help or have help. I really identify with that. Thanks for putting the words to my thoughts!

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  88. see? up there? you. are. not. alone.
    we are all there somedays. it's so good to be reminded of that sometimes.
    thinking of you.

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  89. I think you just wrote about what a lot of people are feeling...thank you for reminding us that its not all daisies and sunshine. But I hope today is a little closer for you!

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  90. Love this. Get this.

    Some days, it's totally possible to have it all. Some days, it's not. For me, the key is knowing which day is which so I have the right expectations.

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  91. Steph, I love how honest an open you are. Seriously, because it's real. And as everyone says, and I am sure you know, this moment will pass (until a similar one pops up, lol). Keeping my fingers crossed that they all take naps/sleep in/gain a sudden interest in "the quiet game".

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  92. Ummmmmmm. Yeah. Obviously you aren't the only one. This was me today. The girls are long since fast asleep, but reading your words, I'm back there in a moment.

    Thanks for trusting us with this.

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  93. It is SO GOOD to know it isn't just my house and my kids....
    It is all about coming to Him. My only labor is in coming to Him - just answering the call to choose Life again, walk in the Spirit, speak the Truth... He is so good.

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  94. I could have written this, word for word.

    ((HUGS)) Hoping your days since have been better.

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  95. I read this and it made feel like a normal mom a not so bad mom that I feel like that sometimes and make them sit in their rooms so I can calm down...I know its hard on you but thank you for sharing your feelings..they really helped me!

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  96. couldn't have said it better myself darling. thanks for saying it!

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  97. Thank you for so perfectly putting into words my feelings! I am so grateful my 2 boys are home from school. They are extra eyes and hands with my 2 younger ones. But there is more fighting and more noise, that some days feel like too much. I know I'm not the only one who feels this way but it's comforting to see my feelings written out in the world.
    Thanks for sharing so honestly. It reminds me that we're all going through parenthood together!

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  98. I believe that God made women Mother's because He saw something special in us. The ability to be so selfless, even in times when we're totally overwhelmed and don't think we can handle it one. more. second.

    There's something special about Mothers. Something special about you. :)

    Nell

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  99. I related to this SO MUCH. Even on my most frustrating days, I still want to be right in the middle of the chaos. I don't want a babysitter or a nanny. I just want to be able to do everything.

    Impossible? Yes. But it's still worth trying... :)

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

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  100. Feeling the exact same way today...yesterday...the day before that. Hmmm, I guess all too often, lately. Hope your day got better.

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Your comment is gonna totally make my day!

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