June 30, 2010

crazy heart


"Motherhood is extremely complicated and difficult, though I suppose some mothers would say it's as natural as breathing." - Yoko Ono


Some days for me it's like breathing, deep and cleansing,

and others more shallow, desperately gasping for air not taken up by children,

like, oh, my God, what have I gotten myself into?


I've been reading Mamaphonic, a book of essays about balancing motherhood and other creative acts (at the recommendation of my long-lost twin Elizabeth, it pains me physically in my heart that we can not live next door to each other, or in a commune together maybe? Someday?) Anyway. Longing.

And in case this post makes it sound like I am in a scary place or something, I am not. Actually, I am seeking and prayerfully asking and receiving. Where my heart is, dangerous, and [finally] living.


  1. I choked on your, "...oh, my God, what have I gotten myself into?" because oh. I'm so embarrassed that I've felt that way lately. Deep breath.

  2. All too soon your little dears will be grown up and off with their friends and you will totally forget the rough times. (Until you have grandchildren then feel free to tell all about those grandchildren's parent's "interesting" moments.)

  3. The moments it feels like breathing are amazing. The rest? Not so much. But those breathing moments make up for them.

  4. Motherhood ebbs and flows just like tides for me. One minute I'm in over my head and I cannot breathe; the next minute I'm dancing in the sand, water gently lapping at my feet, while laughing and kissing my kiddos.
    Thank you for these thoughts and sharing your heart this morning.
    And those photos are absolutely precious. One to show at both of their respective weddings some day soon.

  5. First thing, those pictures are amazing, Steph you got talent and I love the way you use angles:-) And two sleepy head is just adorable!!!

    The what I got myself into quote could be part of my daily vocabulary LOL Having 3 little princess 3 and under is fun but real work!!!!

    Thanks for sharing :-)


  6. You need creative expression in your life. And it needs you.


  7. Good for you! I just sent you an email...BEFORE I read this. Too funny! But I still mean every word, but I am so happy that you are "receiving" in the midst of all the giving that you do! <3

  8. Motherhood is so much about balance.
    Who we are with who we were, who they are with who we want them to be.

    I wish it were easy, I wish that after 15 years and nearly 7 months of it I had a better handle on it.

    Somedays I am on top of the game and it feels so natural and other days I wonder how badly I am messing these girls up.

  9. I have that wonderful "I'm not alone" feeling right now.
    Thank you :)

  10. So beautiful.

    Sometimes I just stop. Stop and go, "huh"? They are all mine and I'm the ADULT raising them? Really.

    But God knows they were supposed to be mine and someday too soon, I'll look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.

    Right? ;)

  11. Wow - you summed it up perfectly. Perfectly. Some days are easy, fulfilling, self-affirming. Other days, well, not so much.

    Only you can say it so eloquently (with the help of Yoko).

  12. Beautiful post, as usual! You were the first blogger I read after I had my son. Your words have comforted me so many times. I believe you are an angel! I am glad that I'm not alone when I think "What did I get myself into??" I'm so happy that even awesome moms like you think that way every now and then.

  13. It's so much more than I ever imagined it would be. So much more OF me and out of me...

  14. oh, yes. these really are the days of motherhood aren't they?

    also, i love elizabeth, too. [are you inviting her to our commune or kicking the rest of us out?!] =)

    ps--ellie asked me to send a pic of her to gray and luke today. ridiculously cute. slightly worried. i'll try to in a bit....

  15. so true, and so perfectly written...thank you!

  16. I read that, and posted about it a little while back :), also at the recommendation of Elizabeth. Love that lady, and love that book. So many good and wonderful insights.
    And we have the same purple hippo :)

  17. "Where my heart is, dangerous, and [finally] living."

    Oh, Steph. I love that you have caught a wave and are just riding riding riding. Thank you for your sweet words - I will pack up the fam and start driving!

    And I love that this somewhat obscure book is being passed like a joint around the internet. ;) (It reminds me of when you talked about wanting blogs [or books!] to be like that band you discovered when they were small and playing the local clubs...)

    I crazy heart *you*.

    xo elizabeth

  18. Steph,

    (sigh) just (sigh)

    my heart, it's a better place because of you.

  19. No, you don't sound like you are in a scary place. You are describing what I often feel as well and I only have 2 kids!

  20. You always seem to know what to post at exactly the right now. I have been reminding myself to breathe a LOT lately.

  21. Yes, yes and yes. Not alone. Sometimes I feel underwater and sometimes I feel like I could walk on it. Motherhood is a vast dichotomy of emotion.

  22. i love this. and elizabeth. and you.

  23. I cannot tell you how many of your posts leave me sighing happy, content, filled-up sighs.

    This is where I come for a breath of fresh air. And you never let me down.

  24. I think mothering is like breathing when they are sleeping and peaceful like your sweet pictures. When they are up and crazy deep breaths are often needed!

  25. I agree with you. Motherhood is complicated and difficult AND as natural as breathing...at the same time. It's hard to explain, but you managed to put it into words.

    P.S. Living in a commune w/ friends does hold a certain appeal, doesn't it?



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