Lately I'm amazed [and saddened] at the friends and acquaintances that have been struggling, divorcing, hurting... often they are the ones I'd least expect.
I've learned that instead of wishing my life was like theirs and what I think they have that I don't, I should just be minding my own business and working on my own life. And take what I do have. And make it better.
I find myself in church on Sunday mornings and wish that the feeling I feel there didn't escape me when I leave. Because sometimes, oftentimes, it does.
And I slip back into the me I was the week before. I'm working on this. Because I love that feeling I have at church. I finally (maybe for the first time, definitely in a long time) feel like I've gotten the church thing right. And I'm laying down my trust again.
Sometimes I get behind on laundry, or just want to take a break from cloth diapering, and so I put Ivy in disposable diapers. And I don't feel guilty about it either.
I really don't feel like we're going to have another baby. But I want to write about my desire for another baby, because my body, my soul really does desire it. I'm just not sure my mind does. And so I'll keep writing about it. Because it makes me feel better when I do.
I am not going to BlogHer this summer because I don't want to leave Ivy and my family, really, for that long. And even if I could take someone to help with her full-time while I'm there, I don't want to go. And even if my whole family could come, I don't want to go. Because then I'd want to be with my family and not at some blog conference. When I really think about it, what I want to do most of all? Be here at home with my family. And so I will.
My house is small and very cluttered. I am frustrated at my every turn, so many things need their own place but instead are on the floor or crammed into some makeshift home for them waiting for me to figure out where I should put it someday, I imagine when the kids are all in school or old enough for me to do something for longer than twenty minutes at a time.
My thoughts are much like that, too many to fit in my head, very cluttered. I've got some great ideas up there but they are thrown on the floor of my mind, waiting for me to put them where they go.
Today I'm going to buy a new shower curtain, and new towels to hang on the towel rack. And maybe! even a new tissue cube cover. One room at a time, I think, and starting small with the bathroom is totally do-able for me, today.