November 3, 2009

Where all my words went.

I get this way, when I let time slip in between my thoughts and writing them down and when I go to write them down, they are gone. And I don't bother to look for them.

I think sometimes there can be too many words. When I have so many words it gets crowded in my head and in my mouth and I trip over what should be said and what should be left unsaid.

I am a library mouse, scampering about in this unfamiliar noisy life. Where are the books? Where are my words?

A couple weeks ago on my way to therapy (yes, I go to therapy and it's a good thing) I was awestruck of a beautiful sunset and how it singed and stained the sky and stretched out across all the land, and the clouds made patterns...

and it really made me feel very, very small.


I've thought about that night often since then, and the best way I can describe it is just "Bigness." Have you ever lied in bed and felt like everything was giant around you? Something like that, only not scary.

I mean, I know the world is big, but in that moment it felt infinite and like the sky had an unimaginable depth, with a world inside it that just kept going on and on.


And here I was with my [small] problems and my [small] life and my [small] words making a too big deal out of it all.

Just who do I think I am? And what am I going to do with myself?


[to be continued...]


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20 comments:

  1. Sometimes I feel like our lives are so parallel... I just went to my first therapy session yesterday. And those words that you DID choose to write are what I am feeling (and seemingly unable to find) today.

    So, thank you for writing this. Really, you are amazing.

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  2. I think it's like what you always tell me about Luke and Gray, how their feelings are too big for their bodies... it's like that for us sometimes, too.

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  3. When I really think about the universe, the stars...I am just blown away by the vastness of it all. And how small I am. I stand in awe of God and He.is.HUGE!!

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  4. You ask way deeper questions than I do :-) - I tend to take things at face value and go about my business. Whether that's a blessing or a curse, I'll never know.

    And yeah therapy! I go, too.

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  5. I start to feel like that sometimes, and then I turn away and think about something else - it's too big. Thanks for diving into it Steph!

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  6. There are times when I feel that way. Reminds me to not get too big for my britches!

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  7. Expression can be so freeing...I think it's why so many of us write.

    Even if sometimes...there are lost words...or no words.

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  8. Oh my word. That first paragraph about losing words -- I know that feeling! Only I do go looking for my lost words. Yet it's as hard to recapture them as it is to catch leaves flying in the wind.

    I'm excited for the rest of the story.

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  9. You are so precious!

    Because I love to write, I feel like my words are so much a part of who I am. When my words are gone (forgotten or not there at all,) I feel like a part of me is missing.

    It's frustrating in the least.

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  10. Oh my, I think you've expressed something which many of us have lots the words to say -- thank you.

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  11. This is exactly how I have been feeling. Although you said it much better.

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  12. Thank you for writing this! So many times I feel the same way and realize that my itty bitty life and my itty bitty problems in God's HUGE universe are really just blown up by yours truly, and God never tells us to do that!

    As women (especially mommies), we tend to feel things bigger, larger, more emotionally...and that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's how us girls are made...but it's when we blow things out of proportion and put our needs before God's plans that the problems start. Aren't we all guilty of that!!! :)

    Take comfort in knowing you aren't the only one, and in the fact that there are greater plans for you than you think.

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  13. When I think about the immensity of the world, I am awestruck by how vast and large and generally big it is too. Then I think about how small some little parts of the world are, parts like insects and bacteria, and I'm awestruck by how big I am to them.

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  14. Yes we are awfully small in God's big beautiful world aren't we? That was very powerful. Thank you for it.

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  15. I'm glad you found your words. Turns out they're beautiful.

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  16. I love your peace with letting go, with leaving it unsaid.

    And that bigness - I love it, love being reminded of my true size. (It's why I'm so drawn to camping and wilderness trips, canoeing and hiking.)

    I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with this.

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  17. You underestimate yourself. God is within you and God is not small. You have tremendous power when you connect with the love and energy of God. You just have to remember who you really are. Do not ever think you are "less than."

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  18. yes. i have done that....

    Crazy Love is one of the best books i've read...so simple when you think about what he says, but so no simple at all. anyway, he has you watch this amazing video at the beginning and my smallness has never been so apparent to me. we are really what the Bible says, "a mist."

    [love you!]

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  19. There are many days when I feel that way.

    And therapy...totally a good thing.

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  20. I know this. Too well. We ARE big in our small worlds but our small worlds are tiny in this universe...

    It's just too much to wrap our brains around...

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