November 24, 2009

I wasn't going to write about it.

Thanksgiving week is usually a sensitive time for me, which is silly, because it's Thanksgiving. And I have plenty, more than I could ask for, really, so much to be thankful for.

But, several years ago (six to be exact) Noah had his first seizure. And for a very long time, I couldn't think up a good thing about Thanksgiving. It reminded me of hospitals, and missed celebrations, of dread, and heartache.

So whenever the holiday would come near and people would discuss their Thanksgiving plans I'd tense up. I couldn't wait for the day to hurry and make its appearance and leave quickly here's your shoes and coat, Thanksgiving.

The other day I realized that I wasn't feeling that tension. I was thinking about Thanksgiving with a normal breathing pattern. There were no flashbacks, or if there were, I could control them.

And I thought, relieved, I'm not going to write about it this year.

But here I am anyway, writing about not wanting to write about it.

Because that's what writers do.


I don't even know that life. I'm so thankful I'm not stuck there anymore.

Amidst all the distractions of life and living and perfecting my avoidance skills I'm afraid I've gotten a bit stuck here, in my new now. The very things I prayed for, the normalcy of the new normal, are the very things I mistakenly call burdens. Or irritations. Such bothers.

I prayed for Noah's healing, and for my own healing of broken-heart and broken-mind. And I've been healed. I've had faith, I've practically let faith slip through my fingers, and I've hugged it tight again.

We dance close, and we walk just inches apart until, faith, how did you get way over there?

Cut to me clasping my Bible for life and promising to do better this time.


Some day I'll glance over my shoulder at today. And be so thankful I'm not stuck here anymore.

That?, over there?, that I'm not going to write about? got me here. And now, what I'm living through today, is what will take me, well...

wherever I go next.


I can truly mean it this year, I'm thankful for Thanksgiving and all its coordinating accessories and unpredictable shenanigans.

I wish you a happy one.

What are you thankful for?

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38 comments:

  1. That is wonderful that you're breathing again and that Thanksgiving is starting to be a happy time again. We're moms though, you never forget those scares.

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  2. I am thankful to be a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend to the people in my life. Without them, whether the times are tough or the times are great, I know they are with me 100%.

    Glad to hear that you are feeling the "thankfulness" that Thanksgiving brings!

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  3. I'm glad you didn't write about it Steph. :)

    My husband and I sat and listed the things we are thankful for earlier this evening. It was so special to say them out loud...even the mundane ones like. I'm thankful for warm slippers.

    One of the many things I mentioned I was thankful for was, of course, Cupcake '10!

    Have a wonderful thanksgiving with your family!

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  4. I wondered if you would write about it this year. (I have been reading your blog through THREE Thanksgivings now. How crazy is that?) I am so glad you've turned another corner and have woven it a little more into your history and it doesn't sting quite as much. I just finished writing a sort of similar post, though more vague and wordy and with more run-on sentences.

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  5. What a beautiful post... as always.

    It's such a strange thing isn't it... looking back at our pasts.

    I am so glad that you're in a Happy Thanksgiving place now. I hope you have a wonderful day.

    And I am always most thankful for my girls. Nothing can top them.

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  6. Oh that's great news. I know for me that since losing my grandma last May, I've had trouble around Thanksgiving/Christmas because those were the first holidays we 'celebrated' with out her and it was hard. But I'm so glad to hear that you're making a way with it this year!

    I know I'm thankful for my son, he's just everything to me and always what I'm most thankful for.

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  7. I can't imagine that you'll ever truly stop thinking about that first seizure and the beginning of that difficult time. I wonder though; would you really WANT to forget it? I mean, remembering it allows you a sharper picture of what's really important, you know?

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  8. Funny, I was just thinking of you when I was driving home tonight, and how you'd written about Noah being 8, and I thought, it must now be three years since he came off keto. And yet you still talk about his seizures and his treatment and in many ways the whole experience really defines a part of your life.

    I was thinking those things as I pulled into the driveway, and about how Jade's epilepsy is such a huge defining part of my life right now. But also that now it's her development that is the biggest focus, not the seizures.

    Thank God!

    And this is just me rambling and basically thinking that I was thinking of you. And how Noah's story inspires me.

    My favourite sentence in this post:
    We dance close, and we walk just inches apart until, faith, how did you get way over there?

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  9. I'm so happy for you! Milestones are big, but there are dates we associate poorly aren't there?

    I'm thankful for my husband who will be by my side this Thanksgiving making sure I stay strong and don't eat so much I get sick!

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  10. Very cool post, Stephanie! With time comes healing and it would seem that you are doing just that. What an amazing story you have, along with so much to be thankful for!

    I'm thankful for my family. I know it sounds cliche, but seriously-family is where it's at for me. Weeks like the one we've lived these past seven days are great reminders for me.

    Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

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  11. How amazing. I can't wait until I get like a point in this in my own life. I'm so proud of you and how far you've come from this.

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  12. So wonderful that you're feeling resolution and gratitude and moving forward. Sending lots and lots of hugs.

    I love Thanksgiving because it encourages reflection. I reflect a lot (pretty much all the time the hamster's running the wheel in my brain...) but I think there's something so powerful about people coming together collectively and expressing gratitude. The universe needs more of that kind of mojo.

    xo Christine

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  13. Steph, what a great post. Honestly. You have such a way...

    Hugs to you and your fam this Thanksgiving. You've given me something to lift my chin up about. We were supposed to be on our way to Pennsylvania today to spend Thanksgiving with my mom and family and had to cancel our trip...for the very first time ever. It's been tough to find a reason to celebrate this year but I do have plenty of reasons to do so.

    Happy Thanksgiving. :)

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  14. I get this. Thanksgiving is a hard time in our family - it's the anniversary of too many deaths in too short a time. But I am so, so thankful for my health and the health of my boys, my husband, my parents.

    So glad to hear that Noah's seizures are a thing of the past. Relax, breathe, and enjoy your Thanksgiving.

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  15. I am thankful that I can look across the table and see my healthy 2 year old son gobbling his turkey and that I have stopped caring about the stains on the tablecloth. And on the rug. And on the wall. And on the couch. And on my shirt.

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  16. Steph-
    You have such an amazing way of viewing life. I know the struggles you lived with as I still struggle so mightily with Mariah and her seizures. I am so thankful the she chose us, I am so thankful to see her twinkling eyes and shining smile each morning...and when they don't twinkle and shine I work extra hard to bring them back. She just takes my breath away and I believe her very existance, in spite of her health problems, have made me a better person and a better mother and for that I am thankful
    Cris

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  17. I am thankful for my life ... the journey that it is. The hidden treasures of each moment, even the not so great ones. The lessons I have learned and will learn.

    You have strength and with time we find peace with our lives, I am glad that you are getting there!

    Happy Thanksgiving to you and your whole family!

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  18. Yeah!!

    I'm thankful that Eldest has a wonderful new husband this Thanksgiving/ Last year at this time they were going on their first dates....

    Mary

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  19. Great post. I'm so glad that Noah is doing well and you are breathing normally this Thanksgiving! We are so blessed, aren't we?

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  20. I am thankful for my beautiful daughter who has made me so proud of her mothering skills. I am thankful for a loving son-in-law who is the perfect partner for my daughter and father to my grand-children. I am thankful for my perfect grandchildren who Are my heart. I am thankful for my son and beautiful daughter-in-law and am amazed at how God knew the perfect mates to put in my kids path. I am thankful for my hubby, who is my soul mate. I am thankful for the rest of my family who love me in good times and bad. I am thankful for a job and a boss who is more understanding than I could ever imagine. I am thankful that we will have a wonderful meal tomorrow and fun times just by being ourselves. We ARE a blessed family.

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  21. P.S. I am also thankful for Noah's healing! He is our angel.

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  22. I'm glad you're here. Really.

    I am thankful for so much this year, our health, my family, the roof over our heads, my ability to make tasty food our of the food that's on our table :)

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  23. Beautiful that you can now let go of the pain and worry of 6 years ago and live in this moment God's given you and your family. You've got a lot to be thankful for, as do I.

    Nell

    PS
    I really recommend you getting in touch with Andrew Wommack and his teachings. He will inspire your faith and Christian walk in a way many can't. I promise you! www.awmi.net

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  24. To come back and look at Thanksgiving in a positive light like you are is a blessing all on it's own.

    Hope your Holiday this year is full of love and blessings.

    I'm thankful for my sweet 2 year old and super caring husband who loves me just as I am (imperfect and all :-)

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  25. i am so happy for you that He has given you peace about this. that this isn't a dreaded week anymore. seriously so good.

    i feel you on the dancing with faith and suddenly it is way over there. just this morning i was reflecting on how my mornings in Africa started vs. my mornings here....and trying to fix that. because being best friends with Him AND showing that with my thoughts and actions was the most peaceful time in my life.

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  26. I am thankful for my daughter and that I wake up to her smiling face every day and for my husband, who drives me nuts sometimes, but is truly wonderful and so thankful to be in a place in life that I can give back:)

    And thankful so many others are blessed as well! Wonderful to hear your Thanksgivings are holding more joy than difficult memories this year!

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  27. As a writer, writing is the only way to heal and get through some things. love ya, you're in my heart! xoxxoxo

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  28. Thank you for this. I too have felt this way due to my fater having a heart attack. This year I am feeling better about it all and yes you are right. We have so much to be thankful for. Blessings to your Thanksgiving~

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  29. I am trying to be thankful for the 13 pound turkey in my fridge. The last time I made a turkey was 13 years ago and it was an awful wreck-I haven't made one since. But today in the grocery store with both girls with me they practically begged me to make a turkey instead of the usual ham. They are sure it will be excellent no matter how many times I recount the story to them. I am thankful that they are here and that I get to hopefully make them the best turkey they have ever had tomorrow. Because soon enough there might not be thanksgiving with them. Kids grow up so fast and they wander all over this country-so I am going to focus on the fact that my girls are healthy and happy. Jeremy & I are so very blessed.

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  30. I loved this blog. So true and honest. I am so happy that you have been able to come through the past with your head up. I luckily have never had a tramatic experience on a holiday so I can't relate to that however I have a few days out of the year that I dred and it is hard to get through the day. I think it is a lesson of our strength to be able to go through those things and come out on the other side a better person!

    And I am thankful for my family. They are my life. This is our first year as a family of 3, and we are celebrating it in just that way, just the three of us! For that I am thankful. I hope your Thanksgiving is a special one!

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  31. I am thankful for the past year, full of unexpected changes which have each enriched my life in different ways. I'm thankful that most days I still have a sense of humor. I'm thankful that there are people in my life that put up with me on the days I don't have a sense of humor. I'm thankful for other mothers, both in the blogosphere and in my "real" life, who help me become a better mother and woman.

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  32. Beautiful! I can understand your feelings for my own personal reasons and for another occasion. I am glad I was able to read and that you shared something you were not going to write.

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  33. Beautiful -- I'm so glad that you're able to have some happier memories this year.

    We decided to do a little thanksgiving dinner tonight too, though we already had ours in october as we hail from the north ;) my partner used to live in the states, so we figured we'd do both this year.

    I am thankful for my beautiful daughter, my loving partner & the home that we are building together. For strong hugs & snuggles, for waking up together and being a family.

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  34. Ohhhh - so happy to hear that you can have peace this Thanksgiving!

    I am thankful for YOU and all my dear bloggy sisters! :)

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  35. WONDERFUL post - I'm thinking, I'm so glad I'm not where I was almost 2 years ago...after I had my son I struggled emotionally, maybe even a little PPD, and I'm expecting a little girl in 3 weeks...so I'm a little nervous about the emotions again, but I'm praying about it & trying not to have a 'spirit of fear' about having a newborn again.

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  36. Glad to hear that you are feeling the "thankfulness" that Thanksgiving brings


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  37. I'm glad you were able to enjoy this Thanksgiving. I love how time and prayer heals us. It's just so amazing. We serve a faithful God.

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  38. It's good to get it out though!

    I'm thankful for my family this year and every year. They are absolutely everything to me!

    Kristy

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