October 5, 2009

This is me, this is all I am

I knitted up a dress for Ivy and got to the very end, finished it, and didn't like how it looked. So I got a new yarn and started again. So far, I like what I see.

Last night I had The Worst dream. Noah was 2 years old, and not speaking. He had been taken away from me, living in a home somewhere and they asked if he knew English, because he didn't speak. He was so little, with baby teeth, and so helpless. They wouldn't give him back to me. I ran up and down the parking lot screaming in the night.

That is what it felt like when he was having seizures. The seizures took him away from me, but I got him back.

I did anything and everything, would have gone to the ends of the earth for Noah until I got him back. I know I dreamed this because of what I am going through now, and because I was thinking about this month being 5 years seizure-free for Noah. There was desperation and there was redemption.

I have been a mess lately, and have set my eyes on failure instead of success. I know better, oh boy do I know better. I know God is bigger, I know I know I know. I just get caught up in the lows of life, the lows of me. And from here, from there, it's hard to see anything else. Even the Greatness of God.

I'm a new yarn, I am a new day, I am a promise, I am a child of God. There is always desperation, and there is always redemption.

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  1. Steph, I don't know what is wrong, but I want you to know I am thinking of you and praying that God helps to heal some of the chaos you seem to be fighting through right now. Lots and LOTS of hugs to you.

  2. (((hugs))) Steph, I'm thinking about you.

  3. Aw lady. I hope everything clicks for you soon. You deserve to be happy and at peace with all that you do.

  4. Boy howdy do I know that story. That almost makes me wish I knit so I could visualize a better way out than pep talks and Ben & Jerry's. Very nice post.

  5. I hope you start feeling better soon. I too know that God can accomplish all and the He is taking care of us in His way. That things happen in His time. But lately I feel so beaten down that I cannot always see it.

    You, however, are truly an inspiration. The way you kept going and did not accept that that was all there was for Noah. It is remarkable. I know it probably feels like just what needed to be done to you and like I just don't get that. I do because that is how I feel about the pumping I have been doing for Little Sister. But none the less you are truly an inspiration to me to always find the best for my kids

  6. Isaiah 40:11 He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall GENTLY lead those that are with young.

    {{hugs}} Praying for you, friend. Awesome news about Noah. The Lord is good. Look to him as always.

    "And he said unto me, 'My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.' Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then I am strong.

    {2 Corinthians 12:9-11}

  7. God, too will go to the ends of the earth to get His children back. No matter what it takes--no matter what we have to go through. I don't fully understand what you are going through, but I'm praying for you.


  8. Sending lots of love and Hugs and goodness your way!

    You are in my thoughts and prayers always.

  9. Sending the love & happy thoughts your way today <3

  10. love you, steph.

    i was thinking just what aimee said....we will do that, go to the ends of the earth for our children. and He loves us even MORE than that. amazing.

  11. I am a promise, I am a possibility...remember that song as a child? I pray for a peaceful day and clear mind. You deserve to be happy! Love you, mom

  12. Honey, can I do anything for you? Anything at all?

    BTW, that is the most GORGEOUS picture of you. It needs to be splashed EVERYWHERE. Gorgeous!


  13. God Bless you, Steph! You are such a BEAUTIFUL person!! Your words are beautiful, as always...

  14. I don't know what is going on girl, but hugs and I will pray for you and your family.

  15. I just started reading your blog, so I had to go back and read some posts about your son as soon as I read the word seizure. Our daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy this summer, and some of your words made my stomach sink with familiarity. It is not an easy road, but I am glad it is getting smoother for you. Certain days drag you down with a weight you can neither describe nor rid yourself of. Thanks for sharing this.

  16. I'm right there with you Steph. Don't you think we'll both feel better when we are finally able to start sleeping again? Some days I feel like everything is gray and black and I'm a mess. Then on others, I wonder just why I thought things were THAT bad. And then down she goes again. Four kids, breastfeeding (all night like me?!), and NO DISHWASHER??? You have a right to be worn out!

  17. Hay you.. The burdens we carry are our own but I think we all feel the pain... Follow Ivy's example and just take little baby steps through each day... Lots of love...

  18. Hay you.. The burdens we carry are our own but I think we all feel the pain... Follow Ivy's example and just take little baby steps through each day... Lots of love...

  19. if there is anything i could do to help you know, of course, i'd do it.

    also, maybe you could take that first dress back out and find something lovable about it. i think, in some ways, that is a part of our work.

  20. Some days it is just too much
    isn't it?

    But I will hold your hand--and be your computer friend if you will let me...and pray you into a rainbow Sunday,
    Where everything is perfect
    and there is enough time-and enough patience-and enough fortitude-

    for everyone.

    I haven't had a good week myself.
    I've had a horrible one.
    And even though I smile and take pictures of my children eating ice cream---I am battling The Entire Army on the inside.

    I know that around the bend though, there is rest.
    I just have to somehow get there.

    --Sara Sophia

  21. When I first read the title of this post, it made me think there should be a "..." after it. You seem to do so much and have so much light and happiness that you ooze to others in your local life, and it makes me sad to think you are having troubles dealing with something inside.

    It will get better, in what way no one knows but be assured you have children that love you more then the moon and friends that think the world of you. I hope you find what you are looking for the bring you that peace.


  22. It's rough when you're in the middle of the storm --- whatever storm that may be for you. It's hard to see past the things that are bringing you down. I know you can, though, and God is there willing/able to guide you back.


  23. This really spoke to me today. Thank you.

    You have such a beautiful heart, I am praying for you that the dark clouds are lifted.

  24. and you are beautiful...inside and out.

    I'm thinking of you too!

  25. Much, Much love to you.

    And Yes, There IS Redemption.

    Sweet, Beautiful Redemption.

  26. Sending thoughts and prayers your way, and hopes for a calmer dream tonight.

  27. Beautiful words. Beautiful picture.

    I know where you're coming from. Thanks for reminding me of redemption!

  28. hugs Steph..you are so beautiful.

  29. Wow. And yes. And {hugs}. I wish I had more to offer you, but I know that you are surrounded by those who love you, and truly blanketed in prayer.
    You're beautiful Steph. Perfectly created in his image, and you can do this. You can and you will.

  30. I've been finding that turning outward (or "upward", as it were) instead of inward, has given me such love and respite that the lows don't drag me down as much.

    I read that and I hope you know what I mean, because I don't know how to explain it other than that.


  31. Loved this post. I popped over from Sprout Online. Your awesome! Keep faith in the lord and he will come through for you. Im following you now!! ")

    Geez Louise`

  32. I'm praying for you. I know things will swing back up for you if you just give it time.

    By the way, I've left you a blog award at my blog (http://katinasharp.blogspot.com), so if you get the chance, you can go there and pick it up! Thanks for sharing your stories with us every day. It's always uplifting.

  33. Steph, I can relate with you! I have been dreaming lately and I don't dream, because our God took those from me so I could find good rest! I hate hate hate those dreams where you don't see yourself resting! I know anniversaries are supposed to be celebrated, but sometimes that is difficult, I pray you begin to celebrate your anniversaries of good things and of good things only, Noah seizure free is soo awesome! I celebrate with you, Noah Seizure Free 5 years, is only something God could give!!!

  34. Sending hugs and good wishes your way Steph.

    I felt the same way a couple of weeks ago and wrote this but never ended up posting...

    This too shall pass.

    Life is like the ocean. Waves crashing and bubbling up. Peaks forming and water churning.
    Other days its placid and calm with little ripples. Things are calm now. The storm has ended and the beach is quiet. Waves wash up to touch my toes and then pull back again as if they are playing a game.

    My impatience has been getting the best of me lately. Anxiousness, fear all with no grounds, no reasoning. I lack the strength to dive into the waves and let them wash over me instead of fighting them. It all passes. It all ends and a new day is just around the corner.

  35. (((Steph))) you are a lovely person inside and out. I hope your days get brighter soon...and stay that way.

  36. Thank God for the blood of Jesus Christ.

    It changes everything!

  37. The redemption, the hope of that is what keeps me going most days. I'm feeling failure's strong grasp these days too and having to remind myself over and over and over again that God is bigger and that disappointing myself isn't failing - it's simply disappointing myself. My late mother-in-law used to repeat the saying "you never really fail until you quit trying." sometimes I feel like it's a cheer in my head... keep trying, keep trying, keep trying.

  38. Wow! You pretty much summed up my thoughts these days ... haven't even been blogging ... and I too know I need to switch the focus from failures to GOD ... working on that. Lets pray for each other

  39. I was in a terrible slump this spring. I think it happens to us all at some point. This is what worked for me:

    Sending prayers your way! Looks like you have a great support system anyway :)

  40. Thank. God.

    So beautiful Steph...


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