September 4, 2009

The irony of it all, this motherhood

I sent hubby out for an errand when he got home, and it might have been quite evident I was operating on one very short fuse so he offered to take the baby. Which normally I would never ever let him do but last night? Was necessary.

I finished up dinner and as many dishes as I could with the light burned out.

I made a mad dash through rooms and straightened and tossed and then hit both bathrooms with a good cleaning. I was speedy.



I couldn't wait for the kids' bedtime so that I could be by myself and watch Project Runway all by myself and fold five loads of laundry I'd saved up just for it. All by myself.

Only a couple minutes into my show, just as I had sat down on my floor with a salad and my laundry, Gray appeared. I can't get much to sleep. I sent him downstairs to Daddy and he was back immediately. Wouldn't go to bed and now he was eyeing my salad. Like I can refuse a child some salad?

I so desperately wanted him to go away so that I could watch my show uninterrupted because he can't just sit there and eat salad but instead eats AND talks when I am TRYING TO HEAR TIM GUNN.

But he was so cute. (Gray, not Tim Gunn. Well, Tim Gunn is cute in a Tim Gunn way.)

I decided to let him hang out with me and soon he had brought his pillow and blankets and I glance over and he's asleep on my floor.

There was a moment later that I sat there and just stared at him. Studied his big eyelashes and the way his nose perks and I swear I saw him aging right there in his sleep. I saw it all.


They make me want to run away and they make me lose my breath Oh God I don't want to imagine life without them.

I scooped him up and put him in his bed.

And I snuggled in with Ivy and couldn't get enough.


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41 comments:

  1. I am convinced that it was a mother that invented the DVR. No?

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  2. So true. Can't wait for a minute to myself, yet it isn't long before I'm missing them like crazy!

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  3. yes. most definitely to all of it.

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  4. It's like when you finally have a break away from the kids, all you do is talk about your kids. Or think about your kids. You wanted that break so badly, yet when they're not there... you miss them. Irony at its finest.

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  5. You say things so perfect sometimes. Being a parent is a real emotional roller-coaster.

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  6. Those who aren't mothers must marvel at the whiplash sense we have every day. Yet I know this ying-yang dance. We need space; we never want them to leave.

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  7. Yes. Having our eyes opened in moments like that is a true blessing. I know that feeling well.

    -Abby

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  8. Irony is right. I never thought I'd do this so early in Charlotte's life, but sometimes I catch myself exasperated with the ceaseless demands of a newborn. Then she falls asleep or starts smiling and I feel like I'm just watching her get bigger.

    And it isn't fair.

    Also, thank you so much for forwarding that e-mail on. The sling arrived yesterday in the mail!

    Oh, and thanks for your compliments on my pictures as well =)

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  9. Aw, how sweet. Yep, you captured the conflict, all right. And isn't it amazing how you train yourself to accomplish so much in so little time? I have 3 whole hours to myself this a.m. & I blew through the gym & supermarket & then didn't know what to do w/ myself! So I'm catching up on my blog reading. :)

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  10. complete irony indeed.

    and even better?

    You notice it and write it all so very well for all of us to remind ourselves of the exact thing.

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  11. I missed the whole show because of a phone call. Had to watch the later one. Guess I could have tivoed it. And, yes, OHmommy..I think a mom invented the DVR.

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  12. Awww that's precious :)
    (and my life, everyday, lol)

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  13. Motherhood is such a complicated cocktail of emotions, isn't it?
    I feel what you're saying, more than I'd like.

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  14. so, so true. brought tears to my eyes. what blessings they are, these little ones who challenge us and exhaust us and demand of us...and enrich us and change us and fill our hearts so perfectly. thank you God for our babies!!!

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  15. ugh, i'm totally there. desperate to have alone time yet ravenous to tattoo each second of their sweet little selves on my mommy heart. the whole deal is soul-wrenching and two-sided...all. the. time. love this post!

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  16. Yes, so much love it can overwhelm us with its need.

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  17. Opposite clashing emotions. So exhausting.

    I try to remember that it's ok to want to run away sometimes. Messes and hard work are not always likable. But that doesn't mean I don't love being a mother. I know the same is true for you. It exudes from you :)

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  18. My day yesterday was very similar. Thanks for putting things into perspective so well.

    You always do. :-)

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  19. So glad he joined you, even if you thought you didn't want him to... ;) So sweet...

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  20. Father time is so unreasonable sometimes! One of my favorite things to do still is to watch my boys sleep. Always has been and probably always will be. Not just because they are quiet then but because there is something about when they are sleeping. Time almost stands still for a moment and allows us to take it all in.

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  21. my head explodes, on a daily basis because i am absolutely and completely overwhelmed with life. it just keeps building up and building up to the point that i use the phrase "jump ship" more often than i think any mother should....

    just today, i was driving along, thinking to myself what i am going to tell my kids about the topic of "parenting" when they are older. i decided i won't tell lily how much harder and difficult of a baby she was (is), but i will tell them that parenting is hard, and challenging, and tough.

    but i will also tell them that there is no greater feeling than the love of a child, both TO the child and FROM the child. I eat, sleep, and breath my kids, and no matter how my back aches and my eyes feel droopy at the end of the night, they are my pride and joy and reason for living.

    and, yes, i agree. a mother MUST have created the DVR, because how would i ever watch Project Runway without it?!?!

    Love,
    Jen

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  22. oh yes motherhood is so different from the way i thought about it :) and yes when they sleep there is something and i cant stop staring!

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  23. The desire to run away and freeze time simultaneously is a common one for us, isn't it?

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  24. It does make me feel guilty when I am dying for the me time... but yes we can't live without them either!

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  25. I think we all have days where a little alone time is necessary. And for whatever reason those seem to be the days the kids need us the most. But yeah, I would not want it any other way either.

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  26. He got a super hero name anyway...lol

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  27. Motherhood is full of those moments.

    Nell

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  28. I can't say it any better than Crooked Eyebrow!

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  29. I only have one and I feel the same way some days. I just really want to get the dishes done but Lily needs me so the dishes wait and some days I get very frustrated.

    And then she is just so darn sweet that I melt.

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  30. Just curious..why do you say you would "never ever" allow your husband to take Ivy on an errand?

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  31. Anonymous, normally I don't let Ivy out of my sight, mainly because she's breastfeeding and I fear something could happen to keep us apart too long. But I also have a problem letting go! I get better at it every day!

    Steph

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  32. I read this the day you posted it, but keep thinking about it, so I wanted to leave you a comment. It's amazing how we, as mothers, need our alone time. We crave it, especially when the kids are the most challenging. I often feel guilty for sending the kids to bed early because I know that life is short and we only have one chance to raise them. But, in order to become better moms, we need "me" time. I love when you say, "They make me want to run away and they make me lose my breath Oh God I don't want to imagine life without them." So incredibly true. Thank you for your words!

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  33. So well said...I know exactly what you mean.

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  34. You captured it exactly right.

    Sometimes i want to get it away. Just a little bit of peace and quite. Just a cup of tea with a friend.

    But then - it's the strangest thing - as soon as I'm away, I want to be right back in the chaos again. With my girls. With my family. Right where I belong.

    stephanie@metropolitanmama.net

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  35. exactly.

    as I sit here with a piece of birthday cake, a cup of coffee and my laptop doing some blog reading catching-up. Baby is asleep close by, little girl is asleep in her bed and I'm aware of every little noise they both make.

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  36. I need a little kid to fall asleep in my presence. I crave it.

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  37. Such a true reminder of so many of my days. Moments where I can't imagine not being with them and moments where I cannot possibly be in the same room with them a moment longer.

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  38. And now I'm tearing up thinking of it... They do grow too fast! I think about this daily.
    On my way to kiss them while they sleep, and remember the days when they slept in my arms...

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  39. I used to get frustrated that I couldn't get things done with babies around. I couldn't just work and work until I was done and THEN sit down and relax. No. They demand so much more then that. Even if you have to go potty, brush your teeth, eat SOMETHING, etc... they demand you sit down and take care of them first. i've actually come to sort of appreciate the breaks.

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