May 24, 2009

She's My Satellite


I left Ivy twice this weekend. For hours (it seemed, if you added both times up). I don't like to leave her ever. And it's not just because she is breastfeeding. It's because I always want her with me. Maybe need her with me. Sometimes I rest that on my attachment parenting style. Yet I acknowledge part of it is because I have worry in my heart and I need to trust she's safe with Daddy. She's like a security blankie to me in more ways than I can explain. I'm working through this. And working through knowing if this is something I even need to work through.

She is my heart. She is my lifeline. She is my moon and stars, sometimes it seems. She is in bed asleep right now and I miss her.


The days have been really good around here. I am always trying to simplify and reinvent my house, my self, my situation. It's going slow. Real slow. But it's going.

I feel closer to my little family. Closer to the Truth. Closer to what really matters.

I've got Ivy by my side (or often on my person) and I know my world most definitely does not revolve around her. But as long as I am in this world, I am in love with having her along for the ride.


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39 comments:

  1. I feel the same way about Baby Sister. I never really want to leave her. And if I do I have a list of instructions for daddy to follow - and then of course I feel badly. I know he can care for her, why do I need to be so in control? But hey, she is cruising and going up the stairs and pulling herself up and stuff. So, I am chilled about wearing her. :)

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  2. I know just what you mean. I like the part about simplifying and reinventing. I always feel a pull to simplify and revise my life a little at a time, but sometimes the pull is stronger than others. Lately, it's been in full force. (See my rambling post about laundry and how I am overthinking and rethinking the entire laundry THING.) Oh, and I left Alice for the first time today, and it was okay.

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  3. You put so well how I feel :) and I am sure lots of us do :)

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  4. I don't blame you--this is what I want too. Last time I went back to work and it was awful in so many ways. This time I am quitting right before my due date and not going back, so I'll be home with both my girls all the time. This baby may never get out of the Moby Wrap :-)

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  5. I feel the same way about Ladybug, and she's almost 2! Although I trust Hubby and other family members with her, I just prefer to have her with me. Even with the toddler behaviors, I would still rather have her with me.

    Example: yesterday at church she didn't want to stay in the nursery. So I put her in the ring sling and went to lead worship. During the sermon, we played outside.

    I've said it before: she completes me.

    Have a great day, Steph. Thanks for always sharing yourself with us!

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  6. Ivy is simply beautiful- no wonder she takes your breathe away. When you figure out how to live more simply, could you share you secret with me?

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  7. I feel the same way. My baby girl is 9 months (and also a 1st girl after 3 boys).

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  8. Beautiful!

    That is how I feel about my Lily. :)

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  9. I know what you mean. I left Elizabeth for just the second time on Friday (and I'm going to leave her again today - not sure what I'm thinking!)

    On a completely unrelated note, I'm looking for comments and ideas on disinfecting toys. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

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  10. i am the same way with the pea. i have only left her for more than an hour a few times and it feels strange! i feel more "me" when she is with me (on me).

    i am also working on deciding if this is something i need to work on.

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  11. I feel this way too...very sweet...and the photos are lovely as always!

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  12. Beautiful post. I feel the same way about my girls..

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  13. I feel the same way about my 9-month-old. I call him my shadow. Right now he's like my little sidekick, and I love it. I haven't been apart from him barely at all.

    You know what? It will change in its own time. For now I'm just enjoying being the sun, moon, & stars to my baby. :)

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  14. I was talking with my mother about that feeling, how our babies become so much of our identity that we can depend on them as much as they depend on us, just in different ways.

    My son is my life. I can't imagine being in this world without him.

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  15. Yup, I second what many others have said. I feel this way about my little guy, too.
    With so many of us having this feeling, I guess it's very normal. :) Wooo! for being normal!

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  16. I remember feeling the same way about Fly when he was really little. Heck, sometimes even now I worry about leaving him behind!

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  17. I felt exactly the same way about my babies - that is, I think, what bonding feels like.

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  18. I can totally relate with this post. I always say that Abby will have a hard time being away from me for too long..but I have to admit that I may have just as hard of a time without her. After I nurse her in the evenings I lay her down in her bed in her room. I tell myself that she will be fine and it will be nice if she sleeps all night long...but then the middle of the night she wakes up and I am almost relieved that she needs me!! I bring her into our bed and she sleeps the rest of the night :). I get what your saying about Ivy being your security blanket.

    And Ivy reminds me of Abby!! Shes beautiful! :)

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  19. Your words, like always, are perfect Steph. I was talking just the other day about how my kids are like my security blanket. Sure, I love a little "me time" away from the family, but I always feel so much safer and secure when I have them within reach. I can't explain the feeling, sometimes it makes me a little claustrophobic, but other times... it helps me breathe.

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  20. Exactly, a security blanket! I felt the same way with my two older daughters (6 1/2 and 4), and still do in a way. My youngest is barely 4 months old, so she obviously never leaves my side, but I have a feeling that's the way it'll be for a long time to come. I just love having them with me. My mom often offers to watch my older two while I grocery shop or run errands, but I *want* to have them along. I'm just not me without them!

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  21. I know the feeling ... My littlest is mine, all mine --- but really I need and want all my children with me, always!! This is really hard as my 14 year old is blossoming and looking farther and farther around BUT she doe always come back!

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  22. Since I have a little girl too, I'm going to suggest that you feel this way because she's your girl. Then again, I don't know what it's like to have boys. But I really do think it's because "she's your girl". ;)

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  23. What a heartfelt post Steph. Your love for her just radiates through your words.

    P.S. I found out last week that I'm having a girl and I'm SOOOO excited! : )

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  24. I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same way with my little girls. Beautifully put Steph!

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  25. I think this is a very normal, healthy feeling. It is primal, to need our babies close. There is nothing wrong with it. I need my babies close, for so many reasons, and my world is just better when we are all together.

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  26. I feel like this.

    I'm taking a course on Thursdays from 1-4pm and I almost always leave early to be with her.
    I can't help myself.

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  27. so true so true - I have my little one - who is going to be three soon - at my hip ALWAYS!!

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  28. I completely understand. I miss them when they are in the next room, especially when I have to concentrate on something I'm writing, and he'll crawl around the corner, I feel my heart shatter like I haven't seen him all day or something, and whatever I'm working on? Forgotten. His smile makes my entire year.

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  29. I'm so glad you are so close to Ivy. She is looking so much like Gray. I miss kissing those chunky cheeks.

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  30. Maybe it's because Ivy is often the topic of your blogs, but last night I had a dream about her, that she was MY baby, and that you just really liked holding her and having her around you, but she was mine and I just let you hold her all the time. Isn't that so funny!? I felt like it was so true! Dreams are weird! xo

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  31. I'm the same way with my son - I hardly leave him. :) Last week I had to go buy some much-needed maternity clothes & then attend a bridal shower at church, and he stayed home with his Daddy. I always trust his Daddy to take care of him, but I always call & check in. And when I got about 15 minutes into the drive to town, I reached up & adjusted the child-view mirror to see what my little boy was up to...and he wasn't there. :( And it was sad. :(

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  32. Dave Matthew's Band?
    I think it's so sweet that you feel that way about Ivy, but also great that you can bear to leave her for a few hours... because even though she is your world, you need that time to just breathe. Although I did miss seeing her sweet chubbiness!

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  33. Steph... Isn't it the most amazing miracle in the world the depth and breadth and width and height we are blessed to feel for our children. I was recently talking to Jane about love and motherhood and the strength of this power, and I told her to never lose sight of this love, especially when another person comes into her life... a person who MUST know the gift of a mother's love. I call it The Watering Can love. Today, I sat down and let the words come out... and then I read your words about your beautiful little girl... and I FEEL and SEE The Watering Can LOVE. I hope you like it...

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  34. I like the way you put the last paragraph. I think it's a perfect way of explaining how I feel about my son. He's not even two weeks old, but I hate the thought of leaving him. It's not because he's so young. I don't mind doing things with him, taking him with everywhere.

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  35. wow you put my feeling into words!! Im going to link this post over at my blog..hope you dont mind.

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  36. I relate to this post on so many levels. I just hate leaving my girls. Sure, there's something fun about going out with friends or doing something for myself. But, most of all, deep down in my heart of hearts, I just want to be home with my girls.

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