May 13, 2009

Recaptured

Someday, when I have heaps of regret for not taking enough pictures or videos of my children, I hope that I will remember how I'm feeling today.

I'm willing the big brown eyes, toothy smiles, and the little bird voices to be tattooed on my soul, in my being forever. I breathe these moments like air, treasuring them so much that I don't even want to share them with anyone else. These are my moments.

I've learned that my heart doesn't discriminate the memories. It is shaped by the amazing moments in life just as much as the sorrowful. It plays tricks on me, turning the good times bittersweet when I realize they can't last just one minute longer. And the hurtful times bring joy when the weeping finally ends.

Just yesterday I had to look up Noah's story to see how long he has been seizure-free. There was a time that I was consumed with the hours, days, weeks from his last seizure. I never could have imagined years later I'd be sitting here trying to figure out how long it's been. I haven't forgotten one moment of that hardship and I don't need pictures to take me back there.

I am a different person because of it, but I am not still stuck there. I could never allow that to define me. I've taken pieces of it and unlike trinkets or souvenirs, I've not set it on a shelf to reflect on once in a while. To wallow in self pity. It's no longer something I feel I can use as my crutch.

Because I walk better without it.

What we went through, what we continue to go through, is very much real. Is very much life. And I've allowed it to nurture the person I've become, or really, am becoming.

The edge I stand on is never the same day to day. Where yesterday I felt like I was about to fall, and what was below seemed scary and unknown, today I see the excitement for the jump. For what lies unexpectedly ahead.

With or without pictures.


Originally published May 28, 2008

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19 comments:

  1. "Where yesterday I felt like I was about to fall, and what was below seemed scary and unknown, today I see the excitement for the jump." Great line! And a great post!

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  2. I liked this post the first time...and it was just a good this time around...your insights are always so beautiful Steph!

    Thank you for sharing! :-)

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  3. Everything you experience - the good, the bad and the ugly as well as the mediocre - all of it is part of your journey. You are who you are today because of who you have been and with whom you have shared it. It is all good, even if it wasn't at the time. Bless the past and leave it behind.

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  4. I remember this making me teary last time, just like today. Enduring and surviving, sometimes we're superheroes.

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  5. BEAUTIFUL! You recaptured the moment perfectly in this picture. I love Carolyn's comment. Ditto that!

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  6. What amazes me about these re-posts is that they always mean something totally different to me now than they did the first time I read it. Well put!

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  7. Wonderful writing. You have a really nice blog here.

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  8. You know, I can relate to this. In a differnt way, but I hear ya!

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  9. I feel the same way - I have a lot of days like this, where I say, "You know what? I'm not going to go get the camera. I'm going to enjoy this." :)

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  10. I can't say anything that hasn't already been said but just wanted you know that I support you!

    Awesome post. :)

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  11. I love the way you described that. It's important to remember and be shaped but not defined by sorrows. Great post! And I also like your new design! I hadn't seen it yet. :o)

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  12. You amaze me on a daily basis. Your posts are something that I look forward to every day. I am blessed that I found you in this blogging world and even more blessed that I met you in person. Thank you!

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  13. "The heart doesn't discriminate memories." I love that.

    I love the whole post. Sometimes I feel guilty in the forgetting, but you're right -- who wants to walk around with a crutch? You and Noah have done great because of your tender-loving mama care, and that's the best thing to focus on if you ask me. ;)

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  14. I agree! The best memories are in our hearts!

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  15. I remember last fall when I broke my foot. It seemed like 6 weeks that I couldn't walk on it felt like 6 years. But now looking back on it the time wasn't that long.

    Jenn

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  16. Beautifully said. The nice thing about your repost is that I'm new to your blog so I get to enjoy them for the first time.

    I think if we can focus more on being in the moment the pictures aren't so important.

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  17. I, too, wish I could tattoo all of these moments onto my memory ... I look at pictures of my little guy and I wonder, oh, where does all of this precious time go?

    Thanks for sharing.

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