April 19, 2009

Excuse Me But Can I Be You For A While?

Every time the back door slams, the lampshade in my living room falls down.

The nice weather has arrived. Finally! But with that the doorbell rings at 9 am on a Saturday. Neighbor kids want mine to come out to play. I just want to walk around on the weekend with no bra on and maybe leave the bathroom door open? Maybe not scare the other parents when they come to find out where their kids are? Because believe it or not, I need large amounts of concealer and a good hair brushing or I am a very scary woman.

These kids- my own and who knows who else's- keep knocking down my lampshade.


Some days there are too many to keep track of.

Some days, there just aren't enough. My throat is sore from all the scolding and correcting and my head hits the pillow and I wonder how my children can love me. The one person that is always telling them what not to do or not to jump on or not to eat off the ground or out of their nose.

Tomorrow I'll start over. Tomorrow is always like the day before.

I can't believe the girl I used to be, squandering away her days of nothing and if I could just have a taste of those moments of a room all to myself, door closed and listening to music for hours. Nowhere to be and no one else that needs me.

She was so empty. And I, although I some days appear to be falling apart. I am full.

I have pillows that won't stay on the couch. Dishes that won't stay clean. And, oh. That darn lampshade again.


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40 comments:

  1. FIRST! (LMAO.)

    Seriously, though...I often reflect on those days of NOTHING. Nothing to do, no interruptions and I realize that with that nothing...was, well...NOTHING.

    And although we all needed those days of nothing to be who we are today, I'm so glad they are over and I'm so grateful for the noise and the mess that surrounds me today. (usually)

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  2. I hear ya!!!

    Let me me assure you though that being the parent that scolds may not be as bad as you think. I once scolded a little girl for throwing rocks at the other children at the park. I was so nervous her parents would be angry with me (no parents in sight) or this little girl would hate me. Instead this little girl followed me around the rest of the day wanting to push my baby on the swing! I think kids crave direction more than we realize.

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  3. We never lived in neighborhoods with other kids when I was little, and I always wished someone would knock on the door to come out and play.

    And I suppose I have more free time than many, but I certainly don't feel empty and...nothing.

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  4. I hear ya! I don't have the revolving door, or in your case, the slamming door, of kids going in and out...but I did when we lived in the burbs and it used to drive me MAD. But my kid was happy, and in the end that's what it's all about...that other girl I used to be (like you) was always bored. I don't have time to be bored anymore!

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  5. Yes, children crave boundaries & rules, that's probably why your house is so popular. They need you. Every time our door slams, the pictures & crosses on the wall rattle & get crooked. I'm constantly straitening pictures.

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  6. What a fantastic post! I have been debating in my head the whole baby thing, because I do enjoy my time to myself or my time with just my husband. But lately it's felt very empty, like something isn't right. A lot to think about, but you make having children seem so worth it.

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  7. So many of us can relate to exACTly how you are feeling. This, right here, is why mothers DO need a break, a day to DO nothing - whether it be listening to music for hours or reading a book from cover to cover on the front porch - UNINTERRUPTED.

    I'm so very thankful that I do get those times - though not too often - but one every now and then is refreshing. Though, sometimes, during those "alone" times - I'm so overwhelmed with this "me" time that I end up doing nothing with it. I spend all day wondering what I should do with all this time LOL

    I really just need a lesson in Relaxing 101.

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  8. Love Tori Amos.
    I haer you on just wanting to walk around braless all weekend, but those are always the days when someone needs or wants you.
    It's okay to be the parent who scolds. Trust me. I see the effects of parents who don't scold, and it's not pretty.

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  9. I love this post.

    I was out walking last night while dh put the kids to bed. I was listening to the Manic Mommies podcast-ever hear of them?
    Anyway, it all made me think of this issue. Of the many times I've told my dh I miss going to the bathroom w/ the door CLOSED, and getting to take 2 consecutive bites in a row during dinner.

    But you know, growing up, I always wanted a family & to be home w/ my kids. If I didn't have all this right now, I know I'd yearn for it.

    Thankfully we are not alone!

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  10. It sounds like you have a very full, wonderful life. Believe it or not, you're gonna miss this one day. Just like you miss the nothing sometimes. I can tell you that from experience. Have a great week.

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  11. I came to the site because i wanted to add the button & add my blog to the blogroll...but i wasn't able to use the link...anyway, if you want to add me, you can! if you need my email it is susannacummings@gmail.com

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  12. Oh my gosh, what a great post! Well said!

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  13. Oh, how I relate!

    Beautiful chaos. That is what I call it :).

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  14. Oh, I am struggling with the question of whether my children can possibly like me. Right now I'm just so sleep-deprived, and sometimes I'm just so tired of having little people all over me. The result is an extremely impatient parent.

    I try to remind myself that we're none of us perfect. And that as much as I tend to focus on the hairy moments, there are more non-hairy ones. Although sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

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  15. I just love this post. It totally sums up how I felt this afternoon as I was driving home from church. I agree with you completely- despite all the madness, it's a full, joyful madness.

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  16. It isn't this the truth! You always validate my feelings about Motherhood with your writings. :-)

    I feel the same way about my youth...how could we have taken that quiet and calm for granted??? And yet, now I find such comfort in the insanity of Dr. Appt's and sippy cups and drop offs/pick ups!

    We are so lucky to be moms :-)

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  17. Your kids always love you but they might not like you at times. However, you also always love your children even when you sometimes don't like them either. You'll never know how good a parent you are until they grow up and do something wonderful. Then you'll stop and wonder how they learned to be so nice.

    Take down the lampshade for the day and be glad the kids are at your house so you can keep an eye on what your kids and their friends a doing, playing and saying. You are being the good influence they need.

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  18. At least the light is on and someone IS home. Wait til you get to be an empty nester and wish for the phone to ring for an invite to babysit...LOL. I like my quiet time, but I would rather be around lots of life. Great Post!

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  19. p.s. I love Susie's comment...Take down that lampshade during the day.

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  20. sure, you can come be me. and find out to be happy, fulfilled, content....i am trying to let go of the load of laundry calling me, the spiderweb growing in the corner of the office and endless amount of fingerprints on every reflective surface of this home.

    i'm letting go (just like you!) to enjoy the laughter, the joy, and even the squabbles because we both know just how soon they'll be gone.

    i'm looking forward to watching my daughers grow into that phase of hours in their rooms, doors shut, music playing, and them discovering who they are. somedays i feel like that really was just months ago for me...

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  21. Oh, I know. I mean I only have one kid, but I barely recognize who I was pre-single mommy. I used to actually complain about not having enough time. What was I thinking. Now, I stay up extra late, just to get a few brief moments of peace. Like you though, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

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  22. Hubba Hubba and I often ask each other what we did before we had Wiggle Man, and though I sometimes wonder otherwise, there is only one of him.

    I'm not sure what I did with most of my free time, but I do know that I slept. A lot more.

    And I wouldn't trade it for a year's worth of naps.

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  23. What a great post! It does get irritating constantly having to pick up toys, never having peace and quiet, always being needed....but at the end of the day I am so thankful to have these things. There is no greater joy than to have children and I wouldn't trade mine in for all the free time in the world.

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  24. Every girl deserves time to walk around without a bra on!! ;D

    I hope tomorrow brings you lots of moments to remind you why your kids love you so much!

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  25. Can I just say, I want to walk around without my bra on, too! Amen to that!

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  26. Yup. It's much fuller....chaos and all and I wouldn't have it any other way. Beautiful post, sugar!

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  27. How true. My toddler leaves for a few hours, and I feel this incredible sense of freedom coupled with emptiness. Once they make their places in your heart, you cannot go back to the time when that space wasn't filled without feeling like something's missing.

    AND I do not believe for one minute that you are a scary woman sans concealer and hair brushing. Nope, just can't picture it.

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  28. Now I have that song in my head :)

    Sigh. I hear you. What DID we do back then, before all this!?

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  29. We have some of the same issues here! And I feel so full with these wonderful kids in my life. I am so lucky!

    (Also, I gave you an award yesterday! Please stop by and check it out!)

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  30. HAHAHAHa! My husband and I were just talking earlier about our college years, when we would go grab chinese and lounge around the dorms. We grabbed chinese today with the boys, and though not quite as free spirited as when we were in college, the look of joy on Little Dude's face as he chose what he wanted was pretty priceless.

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  31. Mine isn't a lampshade, it's a curtain tie-back. But every time the door slams...SPLAT...it falls on the floor. *sigh* I hear you, sister, on about five different levels.

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  32. The dog won't bite if you sit real still.

    Just as you, some days I crave nothing. Sometimes I miss the days where my husband and I could just sleep all day and watch tv. But then I remember, I felt empty...as if something was missing. Now that I have a daughter, I am full. I can't wait for the days of knocking on the door with many kids coming by. I hope my house is just like yours...the one where the neighborhood kids want to go to.

    PS- i like that you are the one that "scolds." It takes a village to raise a child. And they need direction wherever they are. Whether it be at home or at a neighbors. You are an awesome mom!!

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  33. Most days I crave nothing. At night when My own head hits the pillow, I think, I don't want to sleep. If I sleep, morning will get here really fast, and I'll just have to do it all over again. But...

    We are the moms. We get up, day after day after day, and we do it again. Because that's what we do. Those days of nothing? That's exactly what they were. Nothing. Now we have, and we are everything to those little ones.

    You are not alone.

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  34. I just have to say I cannot wait for these days! It seems so quiet in our house. Part of me enjoys it and part of me can't wait for the day I have ten neighbor kids running through the house. Just think 20 years from now these memories will be so cherished! Now go fix your lampshade :) Very touching post steph

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  35. I think it's time for a new lampshade.

    Also, *hugs* for the hard times, and *smiles* for the good. You're doing an excellent job =)

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  36. Boy can I relate to this lately. Especially the pillows that won't stay on the couch. I'm about ready to get rid of 'em already. What's the point??

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  37. Love how this post is both postive and negative. Great writing, once again

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  38. I often think about those pre-baby days. I always wonder what I did with all my time back then. There was so much alone time, so much quietude, so many moments to dream and doodle and read and stay out late.

    But you know what? I don't really miss it. As Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry said so aptly, "I'm so grateful for the noise and the mess that surrounds me today (usually)."

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