March 30, 2009

At the grocery store, in the peanut butter aisle.

I stopped my cart and scanned the peanut butter. Which one was just recalled? Which one was recalled before that? Eenie meenie miney moe I was just about to choose and- Clomp Clomp Clomp Splat!

A tallish stringy-haired chubby girl in too-big Crocs sprawled on the floor beside me.

She looked at me and saw me looking at her, all youth and innocence and hurt and she ran to her Mother. Buried her face in her neck and it ached within my bones.


She cried loud and dramatic, like a child. I stood there frozen. I wanted to push my cart away and leave. I offered to get someone, was she hurt?

Her Mom whispered thank you and then mouthed I just think she's embarrassed.

I understood. As a Mom. As a little girl. And I wished I could have told her I fall, too.

I'm embarrassed from a hundred too many falls. In my too big shoes in my too big life.

I want to hide my face and cry in my Mom's arms every minute of every day sometimes. But I'm the Mom, and I'm the arms. The weight of things is just too much. The lightness hurts even more. The spinning, the bills, the dishes, the sticky floor.


Wounded and vulnerable and understanding in the peanut butter aisle and even that's too much.


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36 comments:

  1. It's like you peeked into my soul this morning.

    Thanks for making me feel a little less "less".

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  2. Great post...we all feel like this sometimes. Just yesterday, I wanted my mom, too!

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  3. I swear you climb into my head and write exactly how I feel sometimes! Great post Steph!

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  4. Very nice. I frequently look at my little one and wish I was the one snuggled up and sleeping!

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  5. You have such a way with words, Steph.

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  6. This was perfect. I was just talking about this the other day. How it never seems real. you never get that feeling. I am the grown up now. there is always that child deep inside of you.

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  7. I was terrified to become a mother because I still felt the need to be mothered myself. I didn't feel strong enough to be the adult, but one day I came across a piece of art that showed a mother embracing a baby, and they were being embraced by the "great mother". My interpretation of that was that God was embracing and watching over me as I embraced and watched over my son. It was a powerful image that set that feeling of loneliness and striving to flight.
    "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them lose to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." Isaiah 40:11
    Hoping you feel embraced and 'mothered' today.

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  8. That pulled at my heart strings. At least the mother was a good one. I have seen them say "oh your fine, stop your crying." I wanted to hold them myself.

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  9. This is a very powerful post. I just don't have the words to describe my reaction to it.

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  10. You are so true ... thank you for writting such truth. I feel just the way you said

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  11. I want my mommy all the time. Even more so now that I'm a mommy.
    Great post - I feel like the little girl in the too big crocs all the time.

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  12. This is so true. Something I try to teach my babies and the girls that I work with in Church. You are never too old to fall and get hurt and you are never too old to need your Mama.
    Right now, with all 3 of mine sick, I really wish my Mama didn't live 1000 miles away.

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  13. Just about everything you ever say hits home with me. Thanks for that. :)

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  14. Outstanding post...really hit home.

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  15. Sometimes I want a mommy too.

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  16. Pure poetry, Steph.

    Love ya and miss ya!

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  17. My heart felt every moment of that little girl's pain and embarrassment. You have such a way with words, Steph.

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  18. you brought tears to my eyes. I see too many people make fun of the girl who falls down - it's always nice to be reminded that I'm not the only one who feels empathy for them, and that I'm not the only one who falls down too.

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  19. Such a beautiful post. We all feel like that sometimes.

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  20. Brilliant.

    The pain feels hollow and vast sometimes.

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  21. You always make the trials of Motherhood so poetic. I know that's part if the reason I keep coming back.

    This is so true. every single word.

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  22. This post is very special! I felt every word!

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  23. Aww Steph, I feel you on this one. EVERY bit of it. I think maybe that's why we have friends, when our arms don't feel strong enough, they help keep us on our feet.

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  24. I love people that can "see" something deeper. You are great!

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  25. Jeannie NowaritaMarch 31, 2009 2:22 PM

    This really meant a lot to me today because I had one of those days today and even ended up in tears...It is nice to know I am not the only one. Love you Steph for your honesty and vulnerability!

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  26. This is absolutely beautiful Steph!

    I feel ya,
    Heidi

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  27. Oh goodness. I've been there! Bless her heart! :) Great post!

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  28. I just saw your blog at Musing's and glad I stopped by. What an insightful post. It used to break my heart when my boys were little and they would be walking merrily along and... bam, they would fall and turn a happy moment into a suddenly "what happened?" moment. I always thought it was a great metaphor for life. You are going along great and BAM something comes up.. (not to sound pessimistic).. :)

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  29. Wonderful post!
    You are so right and so true with your depiction!!

    I have felt this way too many times!!

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