February 25, 2009

One Year Ago Today,

my friend Beth carried two sons in her belly, so precious.

And just like that, they could not find the heartbeats.


This doesn't really happen this can not be happening make it stop oh why I don't understand.

I prayed there had been a mistake. I prayed so hard they would find the heartbeats.

I was pregnant, too. One year ago today, I carried a baby in my belly, so precious. So bittersweet.


James, I am so sad that I never got to hold you and smell your head.

Jake, I am so sad that I never got to hear your deep belly laugh. Maybe at something Ivy did. : )

James and Jake, you are so loved. You will forever be remembered by so many people that probably would have never even met you if you had lived to be a hundred years old.

You made me feel feelings I didn't know I could feel. As a Mother, as a friend, and as a human being.

If I could whisper just one thing in your little ears this very moment- while at one time it could have been your Mama's crazy or I think you're a goofy loof or don't eat your toes!

It's not any of those today.

Jake, James, here on earth and now there in heaven, you brought me closer to your Mommy.

I would hold you and smell your heads, and whisper,

thank you.


I see you in her eyes. I feel your presence all around her.

One year ago today, you left her arms. You will never be gone from her heart.


43 comments:

  1. Thanks, Steph. It's painful remembering those we've lost, but it's absolutely necessary.

    Still, it's good, too, to appreciate and make the most of our time with those we have with us. I've never been able to adopt the "everything happens for a reason" mentality, but I do think you can bring meaning and honor to loss by how you cope with it.

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  2. Very touching. You have a God given writing ability. James and Jake left a lasting impression on so many people. I will remember them in a special way today. I am glad you and Beth have a special friendship.

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  3. I went to bed thinking abouot those sweet boys and woke up this morning doing the same thing. This was a beautiful post. Beth is so lucky to have so many wonderful friends like you. I'll be praying for strength and comfort for Beth and her family today.

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  4. Beautiful, Steph. I don't think there could be a more touching tribute than your words.

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  5. Beautiful, Steph. I, too, think of them often.

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  6. what a beautiful remembrance

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  7. You said so beautifully what I have been thinking about James and Jake. If it weren't for them, I would only know Beth in passing by her blog name. I have been honored and moved in a powerful way to walk alongside Beth in this past year. I echo your beautiful words here wholeheartedly.

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  8. That was beautiful. Thank you for those words!

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  9. Steph this was so wonderfully written and so touching. I had a hard time holding it together while I read this post. What a testament of a great friend you are to Beth. She's a lucky girl to have you in her life.

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  10. My thoughts for Beth and her family today. I can't imagine how hard it must be...

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  11. My thoughts are with Beth. What a sad thing to go through. Yesterday a friend of mine went into labor at 19weeks that they aren't stopping because there is an infection that could kill her if she stays pg. My heart is broken for her. I don't know why things like this happen to good people.

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  12. A very beautiful tribute and a wonderful reason to express gratitude to her boys.

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  13. Thank you for this post. I'm glad Beth has a friend like you to be there for her!

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  14. A beautiful tribute Steph. Beautiful.

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  15. Absolutely beautiful & this brought tears to my eyes.
    We're approaching the anniversary of losing our baby, and it always catches me off guard how hard it can still be, even 3 years later.

    Life is so precious.
    My prayers are with your friend today.

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  16. Tha is so beautiful. I am in tears. I hadn't "met" Beth yet a year ago but I too carried a baby in my belly then. Something I never thought I would do. I had a few miscarriage scares. I am just so sorry. And now I must go kiss all over Baby Sister....

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  17. That's so beautiful but heartbreaking.

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  18. Oh my...I'm moved to tears. How much those boys have touched lives and changed lives.

    Nell

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  19. What an incredible friend you are.

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  20. Awwww. I cannot even imagine the pain she felt..and feels.

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  21. So raw, so real, so very painful. I am so glad she has friends like you to surround her with love.

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  22. Beautiful, Steph. Praying for Beth today.

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  23. That is a very sweet post to your friend and her little angels. Thanks for sharing such a private tribute!

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  24. I've give ANYTHING to have you tell them that their Mom is crazy or to have you listen to their laughter or to watch them play with Ivy.

    But for whatever reason, a reason I can not understand, a reason I will never know, it is not to be.

    The depths of your friendship, the depths of your love for James and Jake and I is felt today and always.

    THANK YOU for writing this.

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  25. My heart breaks for the mommy of those two little angels. But what a blessing she has in your friendship.

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  26. I really should not read posts like this while I'm at work. When the next class of students comes in, they'll wonder why Mrs. S has puffy eyes and a red nose!!

    Such a sweet tribute to your friend and her precious babies.

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  27. This brought tears to my eyes. How sweet and tender your words are. Even though I don't know Beth my heart goes out to her and her lost boys, James and Jake.

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  28. steph...that was beautiful and so heart-felt. was a legacy those boys have.

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  29. Aww man. How absolutely heartbreaking. You're making me cry.

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  30. Thank you for these words, Steph. I also have a baby in heaven I loved but never got to hold. It's amazing how from the very first moment they have a place in your heart...and no matter how few moments you have with them they stay there always.
    We were together at Blissdom and I didn't get to officially meet you but Shannon from Rocks in My Dryer sent me your way and I'm so glad to be here.
    Comfort and peace to you and Beth.

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  31. So important to remember those lost babies. You are a good friend.

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  32. So very sweet. You are a good friend.

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  33. What a beautiful, touching, heartfelt tribute Steph.

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  34. you are a wonderful friend and this was a beautiful post to read.

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  35. Mary at MusingsofthesixtiesFebruary 27, 2009 3:45 PM

    Your post was pure poetry. So beautiful, heartful, and eloquent. You are obviously a very gifted writer and a loving friend to Beth. thank you.

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  36. I have a friend from college who just lost her two boys at 21 weeks.

    You can find her blog by going to mine and going to the "Grab a Button" spot on the sidebar. Click on Jon and Ali. I am sure she would appreciate your posts.

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  37. Two and a half years ago my beautiful 15 yr. old son took his own life. He had been bullied at school and beaten up in the boys bathroom the day before. I will never understand it but it helps me to read posts like yours so that I know he will never be forgotten by all the many people who loved him.

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  38. What a lovely tribute to your friends and her precious angel babaies.

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