October 28, 2008

Moving On

I was going through old boxes of the boys' clothes, putting away summer things and seeing what they had to wear for winter (it's already snowed here!) and I found a huge box of 3T items that will now fit Gray.

I was surprised at my reaction- there were two winter coats, plenty of jeans and sweaters- all enough to get him through the winter without buying anything new. I should be excited.

But these were the clothes Noah wore during the most difficult times of our lives. The shirt he was wearing the day before his first seizure. YES I REMEMBER.

I remember it all. As much as I've tried to forget it, a mother can never forget that.

For this very reason is why I've saved so many of these things at all. In a way they are my touchstone- look how far we've come.

I haven't decided if I will let Gray wear some of these things. I'm a big girl and it's been over four years, but sometimes painful memories can be hard to shake. Maybe I should go easy on myself. Maybe I just shouldn't go there at all.

These things. Maybe these things can stay in the box for a little while longer.

48 comments:

  1. Certain things will remain in ones memory and heart forever. And while it gets easier with time, watching a son go through something so traumatic won't ever leave a Mother. HUGS!

    Nell :--)

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  2. I think that be hard to do... I have a shirt that caleb had on when he busted a hole in his head.. (you could see his skull) He was 2 and it was shortly after Taite was born... his 1st stitches .. and the shirt he had got blood all over it... I washed it and there are still stains.. but for some reason I kept it.. not sure why. Any time I see it I cringe though and for some reason think its "bad luck" but I dont believe in luck.. so I guess its just a bad memory I dont want to repeat...

    Not that our stitch situation is at all any comparison to Noah's seizers ... but I can just imagine how hard that is for you.

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  3. I am one of those people that get rid of everything, but there are some things, i just fold back up and put back in a box. Better then to let it go sometimes.

    trisha
    momdot.com

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  4. I'd have a hard time deciding, too.
    I think I'd wind up saving most of them, NOT to be worn or passed down.
    I don't know why, but that's what I'd probably do.

    I still have some things from the day I miscarried, and I can't wear them. Yet I can't throw them out, either. It's hard to explain, but I get the feeling you'd understand that.

    ((((hugs))) to you! Thank God Noah is doing so much better, and thank God he has you for his mommy!

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  5. I can sympathize with that, I'm a bit of a fatalist so I'd probably not want my child wearing clothes that I have those memories in. Just one of those little things that if it makes you feel uneasy, it's totally not worth it!

    On a positive note...four years! Wow, that is absolutely incredible! Praise God for his blessings!

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  6. It's one of those things. And it's understandable.

    It's amazing how an inanimate object can totally reopen old wounds when you least expect it.

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  7. It's amazing the memories those clothes can conjure up. Although they are different, I go through avery similar thought process every time I get my oldest's clothes out for my youngest...

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  8. Aw. I guess it's just part of being a mom, huh? Knowing when to hold on and when to let go.

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  9. I think I would be apt to save some of them never to be passed down until the memory is but a faint one (so like when you are 80). Memories have away of sneaking up on us and I think that if you just kept them all in a box and bought new stuff - that would be A-OK.

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  10. I imagine that would be difficult. Take your time deciding. Maybe the jackets could be worn again but not the shirt. ??
    Hugs. :)

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  11. I understand completely. I had a son to pass away when he was three. I had saved all of his clothes. Then when we moved last fall I went through all of his things. I couldn't pass them on to my sons, it was too painful to see his clothes on someone else. I kept the ones most important and gave the rest to the foster parent charity. It had been four years and I still couldn't do it. Sometimes it's easier to just buy new ones.

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  12. It is hard memories can be so bitter-sweet. Maybe a memory quilt made from the clothes would be nice!

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  13. Like Sharon, I still have clothes from the day I miscarried that I keep but never, ever wear. I do still wear the shoes, but I never put them on that I don't think of that day.

    Usually right about that time, my son wanders in. The son I tried so hard to have, that I never thought I would. So I wear the shoes, and I step forward into the day with the confidence that God saw me through that dark night and brought this beautiful boy into the world.

    But I still keep the other stuff in the bottom of the drawer. It's the only marker I have for a little life that just didn't make it. It sounds like Noah's clothes might be your marker for the life you had before epilepsy and doctors and hospitals and special diets and constant vigilance. Even though the life you have now seems deeper and richer than the old one, sometimes it's important to keep a tangible reminder of who we were before these formative experiences.

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  14. We haven't had those issues too much since Jasper can't really wear Roo's clothes and he's the one who had health problems. I did recently take some pics of him wearing a vintage cowboy shirt that Roo used to wear and it just made me misty. I can't imagine how something that reminded me of not-so-good times would affect me.

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  15. I don't know which I would do. Just do what feels right and smile at how far your boy has come.

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  16. I can only imagine how hard it would be to see that shirt, or those pants again...but how very nice it has been 4 years! And, I think that in and of itself deserves a shopping spree for you so you can set aside the most "memory stirring" items and replace them with new "memory making" items. *hug*

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  17. This is completely understandable.
    And I think that we remember some of the not-so-good-things so that other things are brighter, richer, more beautiful in comparison. Does that make sense?

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  18. I have a box of things from a very hard time in my life. A box I don't always touch or go through but yet I have a comfort knowing that it is there. That if I choose to revisit I can. Or I can choose to ignore it. There is something about that box though, almost like a security blanket.

    Your heart will always tell you what is right. Maybe you can pull a few things out of the box for Gray to wear, maybe you will rejoice in knowing you have beautiful healthy sons now. Maybe you can't pull anything out, maybe it brings back some of the tears and pain. I know I still get both reactions when I go through my box of things.

    I never know what emotion will bubble up from inside when I open that lid. Either way is perfectly ok though! We are human and we love and we feel and every response is a healing one.

    *hug*

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  19. It's great that Gray has a new wardrobe. It's ok if some things stay in the box.

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  20. It is so hard to get past things and even harder when they get drug up after so long. I hope that things go easy and come easy to you!

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  21. I wouldn't even know what to do if I was in your position. I'm sure you'll figure it out. HUGS

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  22. I don't blame you one bit. I'm sure there are still some clothes he can wear, but don't put yourself through pain by having him wear the others. :)

    And clothes of children DO really mark stepping stones in their lives. I'm planning on keeping separate certain shirts or onesies of my son to make into a quilt later in life.

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  23. I'm fairly certain I'll never let Lily wear any of Hannah's size five clothes. I just couldn't bear to see her in them.

    I understand.

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  25. Glad to hear that someone else thinks through those things too. Sometimes I've thought that I was just being too sensitive or something when having thoughts like you wrote about, but there is something about those memories. Sometimes it's a milestone just using the items and other times they are better kept where they are. Not sure if that even makes sense, but, either way, thanks for your post :).

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  26. wow...I just read Noah's story for the first time...I am so touched to hear of your words and faithfulness in the Lord.

    As parents we go through many things for our children and for God. But it teaches us individual lessons...and the reminders of those times show us where we've been and how far we've come.

    Healing never stops

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  27. it's crazy, isn't it? I lost my first pregnancy last year, and now that I'm pregnant again I haven't been able to wear a lot of the clothes I wore last year. I KNOW that I need to trust God with this baby...that He can do anything...but I am staying away from those clothes, too.

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  28. gretchen from lifenutOctober 29, 2008 7:39 AM

    I totally understand.

    I have the earrings I wore to one of my grandmother's funerals. Wore them that day and haven't since. That was three years ago.

    I gave away all my maternity clothes after my second loss. ALL of them, which was a lot. I couldn't bear to know they were in the house and I figured if I managed to get pregnant again, I would never want to wear them.

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  29. for me, there are always strong ties between items and memories which is why i always find it a bit unsettling to get rid of anything.

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  30. I understand, more than you know. There are things I can't let Libby wear, because she looks SO much like Emma and it is just too hard.
    I also can't wear the shirt I was wearing that day...I remember...it sits in my closet.
    Be gentle with yourself. If you can't let him wear it, no biggie. Just hold on to them. I think we hold on to those things to hold onto the innocence we had before our lives changed forever. And that's ok.

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  31. That must be very difficult for you. It's funny how bad memories can attach themselves to certain objects. As a mother it just gets worse. Don't stress over the decision. Do what you're comfortable doing.

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  32. I would have a hard time too. I'd probably buy a few things to fill in the gaps and leave much of the contents for another day - especially right now with new baby Ivy and all the emotions/hormones. Hugs

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  33. It seems like these things cause you pain. Perhaps it is time to change your perspective into one of victory. Because of you Noah is healthy and doing fantastic. You and your family faced the challenge and made medical history by being successful with the ketogenic diet. It is time for the joy of success. The past was dealt with and the present is the fruit of your labor. When your child survives so well it is a blessing. It is not productive to revisit pain, which I know from experience. When you feel the pain of the past turn quickly to the joy of the present and your healthy, happy, joyful family.

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  34. It is interesting how I also have 'clothing' memories--some good, some painful, all of it marking a time and a place and a memory. I too have a crate of some items that haven't necessarily been passed on down through the kids, but are items I keep nonetheless.

    So thrilled that he is continuing to do so well. God is good.

    Blessings!

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  35. I've been lucky enough to not have to go through anything so traumatic with my girls but I can kind of relate. There are certain outfits that will always be Madison's. They've been packed away in her keepsake box even though they are like new and would fit Stella perfectly.

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  36. what a blessing noah's story is. i can hear just what you're saying about the mixed feelings. how wonderful that you are mindful of just how blessed you are.

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  37. Stephanie, I think we can all relate. I've been known to give away perfectly good clothes that I wore during a difficult time. You look at it and instantly make the connection. Everything has energy and we want to bring in positive energy.

    Glad to hear your little Noah is doing better!

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  38. Steph, thanks for your comment on my blog. It had to be said!!!

    I always check in with you daily, but I apologize for not always leaving comments. I just don't have that much time, but I do enjoy reading!

    Hugs,
    Happi : )

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  39. Some things are too painful, I think. Maybe those clothes should find a new home.

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  40. Can I tell you that I took home Peyton's first hospital gown from our initial stay? I don't know why, touchstone is as good as any other thought, something to remind me where we've been and how far we've come. I have it folded away. I just think to someday tell her "this is how little you were and what you braved". I totally understand.

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  41. I totally understand what you mean. The heart takes a long time to heal, especially over something like Noah's episodes.

    What a blessing that he is well now! :-)

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  42. Oh Dear. I can understand why you want to keep that a memory box. Definitely do what feels right to you.

    hugs,
    Steph

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  43. No, a mother does not forget. Funny how things like clothes and smells and certain sounds can bring back such intense memories.

    I'm so thankful you're life is now without seizures, and to the point where you are getting to experience the pink icing on the cake. :)

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  44. Oh goodness.. Brought me to tears. Goodness. I can't imagine. Just knowing outfits and things I remember and I've never been through such a difficult time with mine. I personally would keep the box closed up until you're ready. :)

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  45. Totally get it. I kept some of Charlie's things from "that time" (it's also been 4 years...I can't believe it) for quite some time. Eventually I decided that I only felt pain when I saw those items, and I decided to give them away. Hopefully the survivor energy that resides in those clothes can help the next little boy...

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