... if she's born on my due date.
My heart started beating faster when I wrote that.
I hate to admit things like this, but I think I'm nervous! Not nervous for the labor or birth, but for the finally meeting this human that has been living in my body since the very beginning of this year. Like, I am almost feeling like I can't imagine not having her live inside me. Like, I am maybe so used to it now it can just stay this way. Why does what's on the other side seem to scare me a little? And in a way that I can't explain or really understand, so it's even that more intimidating? Just a little.
There's so many factors that will be "found out." Will it all go perfectly and be the home birth I've planned? Is this really a girl? Will I need to rush out and buy a ton of boy clothes? Is it really going to happen- me, having this baby that I've been dreaming of for nine months?
So much anticipation. So much wait and see. I know you are all on the edge of your seat to hear the news and I'm starting to feel the pressure. I better put on a good show!
deep deep down, wrapped up in faith and prayers and promises, I know that it will all be ok.
No matter the outcome, it's in much bigger Hands than mine. It's normal for me to feel this way because I am human, and I can not see the path too far ahead, for good reason.
But I know that it's not up to me, it's already taken care of, and all I have to do is be the vessel now for this amazing miracle about to take place.
And yet I get to love her and hold her and nourish her and breathe her and oh my goodness.
I'm not so afraid anymore.