September 12, 2008

Coming Down From The Ledge

Six days to go

... if she's born on my due date.

My heart started beating faster when I wrote that.

I hate to admit things like this, but I think I'm nervous! Not nervous for the labor or birth, but for the finally meeting this human that has been living in my body since the very beginning of this year. Like, I am almost feeling like I can't imagine not having her live inside me. Like, I am maybe so used to it now it can just stay this way. Why does what's on the other side seem to scare me a little? And in a way that I can't explain or really understand, so it's even that more intimidating? Just a little.

There's so many factors that will be "found out." Will it all go perfectly and be the home birth I've planned? Is this really a girl? Will I need to rush out and buy a ton of boy clothes? Is it really going to happen- me, having this baby that I've been dreaming of for nine months?

So much anticipation. So much wait and see. I know you are all on the edge of your seat to hear the news and I'm starting to feel the pressure. I better put on a good show!

But seriously...

deep deep down, wrapped up in faith and prayers and promises, I know that it will all be ok.

No matter the outcome, it's in much bigger Hands than mine. It's normal for me to feel this way because I am human, and I can not see the path too far ahead, for good reason.

But I know that it's not up to me, it's already taken care of, and all I have to do is be the vessel now for this amazing miracle about to take place.

And yet I get to love her and hold her and nourish her and breathe her and oh my goodness.

I'm not so afraid anymore.

34 comments:

  1. Steph,
    This brought tears to my eyes...
    It's amazing that no matter how many times you go through it, the thoughts are the same...
    Your mentioning of faith too...that transcends the boundaries of pregnancy and could relate to so many of our lives, right now, today. Personally, it's a financial thing, for so many right now it's the natural disasters happening.
    Thanks for sharing.

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  2. You aren't alone. I have four months to go and I'm nervous already!

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  3. Every baby is a miracle, aren't they? I'm so excited for you!

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  4. I'm praying for you to have a calming peaceful homebirth. I was watching a baby story this morning and when she started pushing they put a huge bright light down there! What a way to come into the world, BLINDED! and then you know, before you get to see mama they put goo in your eyes, so you again can't see anything. Geesh. I'm glad I had good hospital experiences.

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  5. That was beautiful Steph! You are going to be AMAZING!! And you are absolutely right... this is so much bigger than anyone. It truly is a MIRACLE! And your family is blessed to have you!

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  6. Yes I been having mix emotion too! One day I can't wait for the baby to be out the other I just want for hin or her to stay there foever LOL

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  7. I got teary too - You are an amazing mommy and this little miracle is so precious. He IS looking out for you both :)

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  8. Steph,

    You are an amazing mother and it's been so much fun 'experiencing' the pregnancy with you. Thanks for sharing! God is in control and it's going to be a wonderful time for you. I'll be praying for ya!

    Shelli

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  9. so true...so many emotions about the birth of a new little person. I am always scared that I'll forget what to do...and not so happy about the complete exhaustion.
    but...all is well in the end...and so worth it.
    oh I hope and pray I get my fourth as well.

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  10. That was sweet and perfectly wraps things up. It is natural to want to know how things are going to end and resist change. I always do majorly. It always feels better to get it out there.

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  11. This almost makes me want another... almost... ; )

    The anticipation of it all can be overwhelming but oh so wonderful all at the same time! : )

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  12. I keep checking back to see if you have had the baby yet!! I remember when I had my little girl 7 months ago I was nervous. I had a boy already and still pretty much stayed in shock that I was having a girl (boys are SO dominant in our family). I was afraid at birth she would really be a boy - one of my first questions asked was 'is it still a girl?'!

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  13. And we can hardly wait to "meet" her! Praying for you Steph - this is all soooo exciting!!!

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  14. So beautiful. I felt this way too. Like maybe the baby could just stay in there, comfortable and forever safe.
    But after awhile I'm sure it wouldn't have been that comfortable anymore :)

    I see a new post from you, and I get all excited that you're signing off - like "hey, just a quick post to say see ya later cause things are starting!" I can't wait to hear about this baby girl!

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  15. Everyday I check your blog hoping you haven't posted anything. Knowing that you may not blog while in labor. HAHA

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  16. I know exactly how you feel right now. I have done this plenty of times but you shared all of my emotions I have been feeling lately. Thanks for that I may not have written it in my blog but it has beeen on my heart.

    I am now officially one day overdue and very anxious. It is nice to know that all of us moms have these feelings as we get to the end.

    Thanks, Susan

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  17. Oh How true! And its true for each time! I'm praying a beautiful birth for and a joyous babymoon ... try to sleep now ;-)

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  18. There are so many unknowns, I think that's where the tiny bit of fear comes in. It's gonna be great and little Ivy will be a dream come true!

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  19. awe, my heart jumped too and it isn't even ME having the baby...

    My heart jumped for you, for the precious moments after birth and for many years to come!

    Excited for you! You will do great and I can't wait to find out what her sweet little name will be!

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  20. It is the most amazing experience, isn't it. Praying for you and your little one.

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  21. EVERY time I click on your blog title in Bloglines I wonder if it's The Announcement. Six more days, huh? I can't wait!!!!

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  22. Every huge life changing event is a bit nerve wracking. That and the unknown. It can make a person nervous from time to time.
    It is going to be perfect. I am so excited for you!

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  23. You are such a sweetheart you know that? You are positive and real and clearly kind. That baby girl of yours is very lucky to get you as a mama!!!!

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  24. Oh, I am so glad you're not afraid.

    I, too, remember thinking "could it really be a girl? How could I be so lucky?" and then, there she was.

    Hang in there! :)

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  25. ah, great post. Thanks for the reminder of Bigger Hands holding this all in place. As my due date draws ever nearer as well and I'll be attemting a nerve racking VBAC, I need to remember that He already knows what will happen and it will be ok.
    thanks and can't wait to read about your new little girl when she arrives!!

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  26. Aw! I am praying for your wonderful, smooth and easy and perfect home birth and I can't wait to meet your darling baby girl. I know she's going to be beautiful and a total delight to you and your family.

    M

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  27. My princess is 17 days old now -- I had the same feelings - and within hurs of having her - I could not IMAGINE that she had been inside me. It's an amazing transion and within those hours I caould NOT imagine what life was like without her.

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  28. I felt the same way. And now I can't imagine the Prince being anywhere but in my arms, right where he belongs.

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  29. i remember feeling this same way right before my last birth, which was also my 4th baby! i am sure i felt it before with my previous births as well. it just shows that no matter how many times you go through pregnancy, labor and childbirth it is still so very humbling and miraculous!

    i am thinking about you every day and sending you birth and new baby blessings! look at all the wonderful comments here~ you truly are surrounded by love!

    xo,
    erika

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  30. Steph,
    I feel like I'm waiting to go into labor. Everyday I wake up thinking, is Steph going to have her baby today?
    Good luck when it finally gets here. What's the natural way of being of induced? Maria of Newbaby.com

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  31. I think you very perfectly described what we've all gone through at this point in anticipating our babies. It was so beautiful, I can't wait to hear about the love affair you're going to have with this new baby girl.

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  32. I had to re-read the lines that stated you would like to keep her inside you! I am such a lousy pregnant lady, I wish I could be glowing and cherish each moment. Both kids were a bit early and this last time after Gabriel was born I am ashamed to admit that my very FIRST words were, "Thank god I'm not pregnant anymore!".

    Wishing you easy labor vibes and beautiful delivery. I can't wait to "meet" her.

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  33. what a beautiful post! so glad she's here with you on the outside now and absolutely perfect.

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